Aibu to think who have I married

[kellyb85]

Ok this is a bit of a vent of all my frustration at the minute but I really am starting to think who the flip did I marry?!?
Ok so me and hubby have been together for almost 20 years but only got married 16 months ago. We have a 9 year old and a 15 month old baby
We both work full time.
So when we had my daughter we would occasionally take turns in the night if she ever cried but I mainly did the bulk as I was on maternity leave and when I decided to go back to work she generally slept through the night. Fast forward to now and I could probably count on 1 hand the amount of times my husband has woke up with the baby. I could be up all night with baby screaming at top of his lungs and husband is sound asleep! Husband literally has no idea! So recently I have been waking husband up to do his part as he works 3 days 13 hour shifts so for the other 4 days he can pitch in. I work 48 hours over 5 days but I work from home so it is slightly easier.
Anyway I noticed it became really bad in 1st lock down. Husband was furloughed, I was not as I can easily do my work from home. But husband expected me to run the house, cook, clean and teach my 9 year old and look after baby whilst working and he would go out and do the gardening or something by himself. He would then come into the house, get snarky if house was a mess and if I argued back he would then tell me to stop work as it is getting me stressed! No mate it’s you doing as you pleased and leaving me to do everything is what is getting me stressed. Anyway this lockdown is slightly easier as baby can go into nursery and I can work. Anyway husband is off tomorrow so I said you need to sit with 9 year old and help with her school work. His reply “I’m no good at that, your better at doing stuff like that” what teach junior school maths you cannot do!?!?
My husband is amazing at DIY and he has done loads around our house and saved us a fortune.
So today his mother rang me asking if husband was ok? And she thinks he needs a project as this will cheer him up immensely! Also his brother has just bought a house that needs doing up so he can help and it’s a win win all round. I ended up putting the phone down saying something along the lines of yes win for everyone except me and the kids.
I’m now sat here feeling a bit guilty but seething. So now I will be left in lockdown with 2 kids working 48 hours a week and getting stressed and then I will start snapping at the kids so it’s just miserable all round.
Honestly 2 years ago I would have never thought of him the way I do this last year. I don’t know if it’s because we are always together (I love spending time alone!) but he is just so selfish and so lazy when it comes to parenting or the house. I even started thinking yesterday we shouldn’t have got married. What would you do in this situation and I am so sorry for the long winded post
Yes iabu - just get through it when the world is back to normal so will my relationship
Ianbu- get rid of the lazy sod

How can he go to his brother's during lockdown?

And again,...how can he go to his brothers or mothers during lockdown?

"rang me asking if husband was ok? And she thinks he needs a project as this will cheer him up immensely!"

"Me too, I've been extremely concerned about him since the last lockdown. Do you know why your adult son has chosen not to parent his 9 year old and has sat back and watched me work down to the bone? I'm concerned he's got a screw loose. How do I send him back to you for updates/retraining?"

Hailtomyteeth

'Did he want the baby'? Enough to stick his dick in his missus and wiggle it about.

There's no 'subconsciously' here. He thinks children, home and work are all the responsibility of his wife, and that he can duck out and go play builders with his brother because his mammy says so.

OP, I think you have a big problem.

But he didn't for the last 20 years of relationship and 9 years of that other child's life

Your being oversimplistic something as changes

What's changed is that the OP is no longer prepared to take on all of the mental load, all of the childcare, all of the housework, and do her own job, while DH does bugger all. And now she has to add in home schooling.

I suspect OP doesn't realise how long this has been the pattern, but now this last few months it's hit her. And then he chose to decide it was her job that was making her stressed - not his selfish, lazy arse.

Op I wouldn't blame you at all for telling him to shape up or ship out. Now he's got the ring on your finger, his treatment of you is only getting worse because he thinks you're trapped.

You have two threads on this op and it could get confusing.

You say he was a supportive partner for a long time which does provide a glimmer of hope.

You two need to talk, really talk, when you're calm.

You need to spell out how you see things, how exhausted, over-subscribed and unhappy you feel, and let him know very clearly that things have to improve enormously.

If he doesn't change his attitude and behaviour, your marriage will fail. It is already failing. You will lose all resoect for him and be trapped in a merry go round of exhaustion and bickering.

He needs to hear this.

You also need to let him know exactly what you expect whether it's alternate nights with baby, teaching 9yo, cleaning/cooking - all or any. You may need to write it down.

Everyone is affected by COVID but not everyone has the ability to comprehend that others are struggling, incredible as it may seem. So you need to tell him very clearly.

As for your MIL, well we can see where he gets his attitude of entitlement. What a nerve intervening in your family life and manipulating you to infantilise her sons.

It sounds like he wasn't really prepared for a second child and now is resentful of the amount of work involved. You need to talk about this and work out how you can be a team - and your MIL needs to back off. If helping his brother out is his outlet them perhaps he could do one day a week, or some other set time - but then he needs to make sure you get the same time to do what you want to do.

Hugs OP this is shit. And so unbelievably unfair. I’d tell him to buck up his ideas or he can start packing his bags. I’d give MIL a piece of my mind too

Oh god he's just so much more important than anyone else isn't he. And obviously when you are on maternity leave you do it all but when he's on furlough you also do it all because you are so much better at it .

Before she had a baby my friend said her cousin told her 'do not believe the myth that you will share the load because with most men it will not be true'. I know namalt. But it is a theme for sure.

Hi everyone wow!!! Thank you so much for your support. I didn’t actually realise how bad it was until I wrote it down and what the hell have I let happen! He spoke to me earlier on the phone and apologised and said he is going to try and change. He is stressed out with everything and he just takes it out on us! I honestly think everyone is correct when they say he wasn’t ready for another baby. Maybe it’s my fault as I had had 4 miscarriages so I was desperate to have another but because of the miscarriages it ended up being a massive age gap in my children and maybe I just got a bit obsessed with having my baby 2.
I have told him if he starts to feel stressed then go take the dog for a walk and clear his head instead of making everyone else in the house miserable. I am very tempted to say something to mil next time I see her so she realises just how bad things are. But she will only see her precious sons side I know! I honestly think I have started to resent him for this past year so fingers crossed we can pull through this. God I certainly didn’t think COVID would get in between us this way!
Thank you again everyone

@Lucielastik

And again,...how can he go to his brothers or mothers during lockdown?

We are in a bubble with mil but yes I said he can’t go round to his brothers as breaking the law. His mother didn’t seem to think so 🤬 but I have proven by showing him the cans and cants so I’m hoping that has put a stop to him going round and helping

For a start, he shouldn't be 'pitching in' at night, he should be doing more than you. He works a 39 hour week, you a 48hr week. So he can do the night shift 4 nights a week, and you 3 (the 3 nights he's working).

And again with chores etc, do a 4:3 split, where he does more than you. This isn't about him pitching in, he should be taking the lions share of the work.