My friends have all lost faith in me

[FriendshipVoid]

I don't really know what to do. I've always been a bit flaky, there's no getting around that. But starting in the first lockdown, something happened to me and I started withdrawing from my friends.

I started having acute panic attacks and ended up in psychiatric supervision. That only lasted a month though and then I reverted back to normal but still with some anxiety, by which I dont mean discomfort or shyness but like a terrible bodily tension where I thought i would go back into panic attacks again and again.

I've been working throughout this year not furloughed, so theres been that. And then I guess it's just I've felt a but trapped and listless as I'm sure a lot of people have.

But meanwhile, my friends have been reaching out to me and I've just withdrawn. I've gone a whole month or two without responding to them. Saying I'd call and then not. Not replying t their messages. I don't know how to explain what's wrong with me. It's like rather than engage with them I've just been checking things like Mumsnet or the Guardian or some other news sites. Or Facebook and some groups I'm in there. Almost like I'm trying to blank something out.

I don't have this problem with my family or my partner. Just my friends. It's been maybe three times now that I've gone off the radar and then come back and apologised and we've picked up again and then I've disappeared again. I dont know what's wrong with me. It's like I cant make the effort for some reason. I feel so bad. They must feel so hurt. I was preparing to call or message them all again this evening but now I feel I cant - it's like naturally they will feel it's a case of boy who cried wolf. I'll apologise for going AWOL again and then I'll be back to disappearing.

I feel like a horrible person and a selfish friend. I feel like I've lost them. I dont know why this happened. As I said it's not like staying in touch was ever my strong suit necessarily but this past year has taken it to a whole new level.

I feel so sad that they might have felt unimportant or disregarded. I feel like apologising will be meaningless.

Can anyone relate or does anyone have any advice?

Sorry I didn't mean to add voting.

Initially in my head I blamed them individually. That person was too annoying, or this person was too needy. Then I began to realise they all (there are six close friends I'm thinking of) have something in common which is me

Go easy on yourself OP your friends may be a little hurt or confused but I expect they'll still be there when you're ready to reengage. Friendships take energy to maintain and when you're spending all your energy fighting panic there's not much left to go around. If you could bear it you could think about copying them this link? Good luck.

apologise and they'll either forgive you or not.

You're not responsible for their happiness and they aren't for yours. I'd try and call and if they don't want to know then fine. If they answer then I'd explain what you've been going through (which is massive), and if they're kind then great. If they're not I would cut them loose.

We are all independent humans responsible for our own happiness/reactions, but seeing as they have tried to stick with you, you may be pleasantly surprised?!

Pick a time when you are feeling strong and don't take a missed call as a dismissal - we are all dealing with our own crap at the moment x

I have to say, OP, that I have a few friends like this who I've given up on. It's upsetting to be ignored, and insulting to be fobbed off. You've had your own stuff going on and that's understandable, but that doesn't change the fact that you've more than likely made these people feel a bit shit, and they're not going to want to sign up for more of the same. You may just need to accept that.

But, on the other hand, you've been through all this shit and you haven't wanted their support, or even their company as a distraction. You've stayed connected to family and your partner, but written this lot off. Which to me says they didn't mean that much to you anyway.

Be a bit kinder to yourself please, it's completely understand or behaviour when dealing with such high levels of anxiety.

Tell your friends what you're going through, explain that you often find yourself unable to keep in touch but that their efforts mean to world to you. Apoligise for not being able to be the friend you used to be right now but ask for their patience and understanding and let them know you still value and care for them and that you just need time.

Your true friends will understand and will keep in touch, they will support you and be there ready to welcome you when you're feeling better.

A couple might fall by the wayside, but this will say more about them than you. It's at times like these you discover who your true friends are.

Give yourself time, you will come through this.

*understandable behaviour

I have a friend who drops out of my life for mental health reasons. Before I understood why she kept disappearing I would take her behaviour personally and think she just didn't give a shit about me.

Once she explained about her issues- and she didn't go into huge detail- I was able to understand and now we are in contact when she feels up to it.

Real friends will make allowances, but do let them know it's not because you don't care about them

Just give yourself time, maybe you just need some space right now. Do you feel as though your friends understand you, or do you feel as though you have to put on an act? Maybe you are naturally outgrowing these friends?

What l learnt due to my panic attacks and anxiety was that it was a strong message things had to change. I was a chronic people pleaser, now l have found my voice and learnt to say No, l feel alot less stressed.

True friends will understand. Just text them what you wrote here. Tell them that you have been struggling and sometimes need to withdraw and cancel the last minute and you still care about them.

Nothing in nature blooms all year, don’t be hard on yourself.
I have a couple of friends like this. We have an agreement that mental health matters, we are all happy to have them join back in when they are ready, just as we are ready to help with anything. During periods of their down time, I will send a message to say I’m checking in on them, but no need to reply. It takes the pressure off everyone.
I enjoy their company and know it isn’t something they can help.
They have an open invite to anything the rest of us do (pre Covid). Once we knew they needed to zone out from time to time and it wasn’t personal, we accepted it and they accept our help is only a text or call away. But they key was to talk to us so we knew what was going on.
Have a look at Introvert Doodles and Blurt Foundation.

If you don't feel up to talking to them, perhaps you could post a card to each of them? It's so nice getting something in the post since we've had to stay in all the time. You could tell them exactly what you've told us. I think most people would understand what you're going through and why you've become so insular. If they're friends worth having, they'll simply be glad to hear from you.

Try not to worry, OP. Sometimes people behave this way when they're anxious - it doesn't mean they don't care.

See if you can explain it to your friends. If they know how ill you've been then they should certainly be willing to give you some space and support in this

Sorry, OP - I meant to send this but accidentally pressed the Post button Don't ask too much of yourself. You're doing very well to still be coping x

People can be very understanding if you tell them what's been going on. Right now they don't know what to think.

You poor thing, it sounds like you've had a hard time.

@FriendshipVoid I agree with a previous poster who said true friends will understand. I have a friend who is sometimes around and sometimes not, due to mh issues. I just send her an occasional message to let her know I'm thinking of her but I don't expect a reply.

Best of luck to you OP, please be kind to youself

I have a close friend who often goes off radar because of her own issues; if I’m completely honest it’s hard at times as I worry maybe it’s me but I would never step away from her as when she is in contact she is an amazing friend and most importantly she will at some point explain what’s been going on

If they're close friends would you feel comfortable sending a message along the lines of 'I've been withdrawing for my own mental health, I've been struggling recently and with everything going on it's all too much. It's nothing personal and I hope this won't change our friendship, I will reach out again but in the meantime your understanding is appreciated. If I don't respond for a while it doesn't mean I don't value our friendship'

Sometimes I get to a point where I'm just so overwhelmed I need to be alone and not contactable, the constant barrage of information, calls/texts and physical contact can just be too much and I find it exhausting at the best of times. Good friends know this and understand when I don't respond or cancel plans. When my dad was ill and subsequently died I'd sent a message to my close friends saying I what was happening and that I'd probably not be very responsive for a while, same at other times my MH has taken a hit and they've generally been understanding. The friendships have always resumed with no questions asked, that's how I know they are friends worth having and I have a similar respect for their wishes too.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

You're not alone in this - it's a coping strategy and lots of people are doing it.

Send a message to them, explaining that anxiety makes you drop in and out - and that it doesn't mean you don't care.

I suspect one or two of them will have guessed.

It's just really, really hard at the moment.

Secondly, I think you don't just sound anxious, you sound depressed. You're questioning your worth as a person and whether you are cared for.

I think that's something people do when they're depressed. Please talk to a GP.

Honestly, you do have worth, people do care.

It's just very difficult at the moment. But hold on in there. It's getting warmer and brighter. An end to all this is coming. Bear this in mind. Spring is coming - and we will all be walking in soft, warm mornings, with trees and flowers budding, with other people, having those small conversations that knit us together and make us whole.

Hang in there. 💐

I have to say thank you so much for these messages. I messaged one friend and we will be calling tomorrow evening.

And then strangely a second friend just sent me some messages a few minutes after I posted. She had some bad news so i called her straight away and tried my best to be with her.

I'm sure I can do this and hopefully 2021 can be the year I start prioritising people. It could end up helping me out of my slump too.

Your thoughts definitely helped me see a little more clearly and feel better. Thank you Mumsnetters 😊

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rough time. I wonder if this is quite common, I haven’t had the terrible time that you have but I have been withdrawing.

I hate friendship by phone anyway and prefer to see people, even if it’s only little and often but obviously we can’t do that now.

@Pawpatrollers2021
I assume that if you're that way inclined, it must be quite natural after a year of forced isolation to withdraw as a kind of coping mechanism? Personally I'm the sort of person who loves getting out and about, going down the pub, having a laugh - but like you the phone feels incredibly weird and awkward to me!

I’m right there with you. Would love nothing more than to see my friends, go to the pub, just be in their company - actually hating the whole group zoom calls and boring WhatsApp chats because nobody’s left the house for decades it feels like.
It doesn’t help that I had the ultimate heat from hell last year and feel like none of my close friends really have a clue what I’m still going though. I don’t want to be a fun sponge but I also don’t want to lie and say I’m fine , so I kind of avoid them at times.
It’s hard 💐

I think we're hibernators, too, not that we respect it much in our go go go culture. Now all the go has stopped, we can actually do what is natural in winter. Huddle under a blanket and go all quiet.

OP you might find that your friends have been more insular themselves lately, once you get talking.