My friends have all lost faith in me

[FriendshipVoid]

I don't really know what to do. I've always been a bit flaky, there's no getting around that. But starting in the first lockdown, something happened to me and I started withdrawing from my friends.

I started having acute panic attacks and ended up in psychiatric supervision. That only lasted a month though and then I reverted back to normal but still with some anxiety, by which I dont mean discomfort or shyness but like a terrible bodily tension where I thought i would go back into panic attacks again and again.

I've been working throughout this year not furloughed, so theres been that. And then I guess it's just I've felt a but trapped and listless as I'm sure a lot of people have.

But meanwhile, my friends have been reaching out to me and I've just withdrawn. I've gone a whole month or two without responding to them. Saying I'd call and then not. Not replying t their messages. I don't know how to explain what's wrong with me. It's like rather than engage with them I've just been checking things like Mumsnet or the Guardian or some other news sites. Or Facebook and some groups I'm in there. Almost like I'm trying to blank something out.

I don't have this problem with my family or my partner. Just my friends. It's been maybe three times now that I've gone off the radar and then come back and apologised and we've picked up again and then I've disappeared again. I dont know what's wrong with me. It's like I cant make the effort for some reason. I feel so bad. They must feel so hurt. I was preparing to call or message them all again this evening but now I feel I cant - it's like naturally they will feel it's a case of boy who cried wolf. I'll apologise for going AWOL again and then I'll be back to disappearing.

I feel like a horrible person and a selfish friend. I feel like I've lost them. I dont know why this happened. As I said it's not like staying in touch was ever my strong suit necessarily but this past year has taken it to a whole new level.

I feel so sad that they might have felt unimportant or disregarded. I feel like apologising will be meaningless.

Can anyone relate or does anyone have any advice?

Hi OP, i am sorry you feel this way. Lockdown and the last one year has been unpredictable hence very hard on some of us. Your title and the OP were contradicting each other I felt, but thinking about it, it makes sense why you feel like this.. it's tough I know but just send them a message that things have not been great, hence your lack of response. Perhaps open up about what happened it will make u feel better n stronger.. maybe they can be there to support you, if you need it. Hope you find the right approach n things get sorted out..

Be kind to yourself.

But, also accept that they may well have their own stuff going on and need you to be there for thwm. They aren't things to be picked up and put down but real people with real feelings.

You may need to slim down your group or find a new way to communicate so you aren't replying to 6 people individually. Find something that works.

I’m on the receiving end of this from a friend and I think she feels that she needs to send me a big long apology and update each time she gets back in touch. When actually, I’d be okay with a simple ‘hi Tara. How are you? So sorry I’ve been rubbish lately’ and then respond to my reply. Could you just try that? Won’t take more than 5 mins to type

Hey, I've been though similar to you.
Jist tell them about your mental health and that it's zero reflection on them.
Then you've been honest, you've let them know you don't think they're unimportant and that you're aware your illness could have been making them feel like that.
After that, it's up to your friends to decide what to do.
My best friend has stuck by me even when I've been down the rabbit hole for months, so don't despair.