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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think if your DP made these comments?

75 replies

Ginnylemon1 · 18/01/2021 12:32

Imagine that you were anti-drugs and he suggested on a few occasions that you 'do acid together', even though you said no.

You are somebody who doesn't drink/smoke/take drugs, and some people have the misconception that you mustn't enjoy pubs/clubs, that you can't go out and party etc. as a result, even though the two are not mutually exclusive.

You look at a nightclub that seems really cool and innovative but your DP says he 'can't imagine you liking it'.
He then says that he imagines you 'stood hunched in the corner with your arms folded, like a disapproving parent.'

On another occasion during lockdown, when you say you wish you could have a house party at yours, he sends a Ned Flanders meme and says 'sorry, this is how I imagine it.'

Would you think these are harmless jokes or more to it?

I should think that he loves me as I am and respects the fact that I don't drink etc. As many people don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginnylemon1 · 18/01/2021 12:59

@Minky37 do you mean in a way that he's just joking and I am being too sensitive? Sorry if I have misunderstood it. Thanks

OP posts:
beantrader · 18/01/2021 13:00

Sounds like you're not very compatible. There are lots of men out there who don't want to take drugs or drink a lot. Sounds like you'd be better off with someone a bit more like you

Carysmatthews · 18/01/2021 13:00

I don’t drink and haven’t for over 20 years. I just don’t like the taste of alcohol. My husband drinks but not excessively. He’s never once made me feel boring or dull. Your partner sounds awful.

Pogmaasal · 18/01/2021 13:01

I think people that have this attitude or who think they couldnt enjoy a night out with a non (or light) drinker are actually either a bit sensitive about their own drink/drug intake but trying to remain ignorant of it or they are quite immature, get really drunk/off their heads and act like prats when theyre drunk

Bananalanacake · 18/01/2021 13:01

Don't let him move in with you. My dp doesn't drink but still likes to socialise.

gannett · 18/01/2021 13:04

I'd tell him his jokes were boring and overdone. Yawn.

Point out that some of the most famous DJs in the world don't drink or do drugs (eg Calvin Harris).

MimiDaisy11 · 18/01/2021 13:05

Do you think that people who don't drink etc. shouldn't be with those who do like to?

There are plenty of couples like this but it's a question of whether they get on or not. It sounds what you've said that you don't and he has an issue with it and with you.

Coffeeandaride · 18/01/2021 13:22

I'd wonder if he can't/doesn't have fun sober. I haven't read your other threads. Have you met during lockdown, is he trying to "test out" if you are sociable? Or does he think party = drunk = fun. Or party + drugs is always better?

Me and DP are often joking with each other. Not on a sensitive topic, only when we know the other "gets" the joke, so after something discussed. It helps us see when we are a bit ridiculous to laugh about it, smooths over the slight irritations of 20 years together. Having said that "joking" to try and mock someone one-sided or change their behaviour should be called out.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 18/01/2021 13:23

I don't drink, no one at any party or club has made me feel shit about the decision because I am not 15. I drink non-alcoholic beer now, previously would just drink soft drinks including mocktails.

Your boyfriend (having now looked up your other thread) is an abusive arsehole. You deserve better. Drop him.

Bumble84 · 18/01/2021 13:24

Of course people who don’t drink can be in relationships with those that do but if it’s an issue for one or the other then it’s an issue. Both people in a relationship might drink but one might drink to excess and that could be an issue.

People who don’t drink aren’t dull or boring but if I didn’t drink and my partner thought that people who didn’t drink were dull and boring I’d be off!

Eckhart · 18/01/2021 13:31

I'd think 'Bye, mate! I'm off to find someone with a similar outlook to me. All the best!'

shitinmyhandsandclap · 18/01/2021 13:35

Yeah you posted this thread last week

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/01/2021 13:38

@Ginnylemon1

Do you think that people who don't drink etc. shouldn't be with those who do like to? I don't understand and find it quite immature the attitude some people have that if you're not into drinking you must be' boring ' and only like staying in.
I enjoy a drink, my wife is pretty much tea-total. It has never been a problem because we both respect each other's choices. I don't try and coerce/bully/shame her into having a drink and she doesn't treat me like I have a drink problem because I might have 2 or 3 beers on a Saturday night. Your problem is not your differing opinions on drug use. Your problem is that he clearly doesn't respect your right to have your opinion. That won't change he will almost certainly disrespect your right to an opinion on other things if you stay with him. Fuck him off and make room for someone who recognises that you do actually have your own mind.
katy1213 · 18/01/2021 13:38

I wouldn't bother my head trying to work it out. You'll get on much better without him.
And he's not a DP. He's an immature twat who lives with his mum.

Bonsai49 · 18/01/2021 13:39

It’s fine to be a non drinker with a partner that likes a drink - what’s not fine is him being mean to you about it. There doesn’t seem to be much respect here for you. I barely drink OP - I just can’t hold it well and can’t be bothered to spend the next day feeling terrible.I love the night out . Nobody has ever made or tried to make me feel uncomfortable about that.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2021 13:43

I'd think he was NOT a 'DP' but a shitty boyfriend, about to become a shitty ex-boyfriend.

He doesn't like or respect you. That within him. It's not caused by you, so you cannot fix it.

Beautiful3 · 18/01/2021 13:45

Doesnt sound like he likes you very much. He's being mean to you.

AlternativePerspective · 18/01/2021 13:45

How many more times are you going to repeat this thread?

It’s not about drinking, it’s about his attitude in general and you’r incompatibility.

I would have hit the road the instant the suggestion of doing acid came into the conversation. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who did drugs, any drugs, and that includes weed.

But you seem less bothered about that than the fact he considers you boring for not drinking.

CarryOnFestiveNamechanging · 18/01/2021 13:46

He sounds horrible. You deserve better.

user1493413286 · 18/01/2021 13:50

I’ve never been interested in drugs but have had partners and friends who do and none of them have ever asked me if I want to or suggested we do as they respected my views. They never made me feel I wasn’t fun to go on nights out with either. I don’t think it makes you incompatible if one does and one doesn’t but you both have to respect the other persons choices otherwise it does make you incompatible

waterlego · 18/01/2021 13:53

Do you think that people who don't drink etc. shouldn't be with those who do like to?

I don’t think this, no. I know several couples in which one party drinks alcohol and the other doesn’t. In some cases, this is because the non-drinking party has had a problem with alcohol in the past. In other cases, it is simply that one half of the couple enjoys alcohol and the other doesn’t. The couples I know in these situations are very happy in their relationships.

However, there’s a difference between someone who enjoys alcohol moderately, and perhaps occasionally gets a bit drunk at social events, and someone who regularly gets drunk and whose social life revolves around drinking. I would imagine someone like that wouldn’t be compatible with someone who doesn’t drink at all.

BlingLoving · 18/01/2021 13:54

I think this depends. If you've been together for 10 years and you have a history of being bored and irritated at parties/nightclubs, then he may have a point that you suggesting such activities is pointless.

If you are new to dating each other so he hasn't had the chance to see how you are at such events, then he's just being a dick who has no idea of how people who don't drink can still have a good time.

If you've dated for years and have consistently gone to parties etc where you've had a fab time, danced till dawn etc, then he's a prize dick.

PS Dh barely drinks. He is usually the last one to leave a party if there's life music/dancing etc and has much higher tolerance and enjoyment of such events than I do, and I love a drink.

tellthem · 18/01/2021 13:58

he doesn't like you and sounds like he thinks your boring and not into the same stuff as him.. he will leave you soon if you don't get there first

NameChange2PostThis · 18/01/2021 13:59

@Ginnylemon1
I’d think we weren’t suited.
I’d think his sense of humour is a bit shit.
I’d think he’s an immature boundary-pushing oaf.
I’d think he had no respect for me.
I’d think it’s time to LTB.

Fuckingcrustybread · 18/01/2021 13:59

@Hazelnutlatteplease
Theres an unspoken judgement behind the decision
Maybe in your mind but you are not the op. She doesn't appear to be judgmental at all. Her boyfriend is though and in a very nasty way.

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