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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

2 under 2 and a break up?

37 replies

Chachababa99 · 18/01/2021 11:45

I have 2 babies under 2, partner and I split up when youngest was 4 months old. She's 10 month now. The last 6 months have been crazy with ups and downs. I have been doing it on my own altho their dad gets them both 2 nights a week which is a great help. He says he want to try again for the kids, but he will not admit fault in the reasons why we split in the first place. I feel my standards have changed from what I want from a relationship and especially now I have a daughter I dont want her to think that the relationship we had was healthy. If he was to put in effort and acknowledge the hurt he caused me and apologise for it I would take him back for the sake of my family but because he wont I just cant do it. I miss him especially during this lockdown as its just me and the 2 babies most of the time. But AIBU because I wont try again without him admiting he was wrong? Its so confusing and I am just so hurt over it it makes me feel worthless.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 18/01/2021 11:55

Why did you break up?

Holly60 · 18/01/2021 11:57

I would say that you know that you can’t get back together if the issues that you split up over have not been resolved. It sounds like your reasons for ending your relationship were sound, and worth sticking by. Your children will be worse off if you got together just to split up again further down the line. I think you have to hold firm on your boundaries and see what he says. If he wants to get back together with you, he knows what he has to do. If he doesn’t do it, then he isn’t all that committed to trying again.

Original poster

Chachababa99 · 18/01/2021 11:59

We broke up because I felt that he had no respect for me. He didn't cheat or anything but I was constantly walking on egg shells for years. I was giving so much energy to please someone who was never happy with the result. And I think after I had my daughter I had just had enough of always taking the blame. Constantly critized about eveything I done. Even down to the TV show I wanted to watch.

OP posts:

Thatwentbadly · 18/01/2021 12:00

It all depends on why you broke up?
Can you try couple counselling to explore if it’s possible for you to get back together?

PeggyHill · 18/01/2021 12:01

We don't have much to go on here but from what you have said it sounds like you two weren't right for each other and he made you unhappy. Going back to your ex is rarely a good idea.

Thatwentbadly · 18/01/2021 12:01

Having read your update, it doesn’t sounds like it should get back together. This is not a one off issue or something which starting with no adapting quickly to the change of dynamic after having children.

GloGirl · 18/01/2021 12:02

I will say having 2 under 2 was the closest I've ever been to a divorce. Life felt impossibly hard.

That being said my husband is capable of apologising. Would you consider Relate counselling for you both?

Why the eggshells? What did he do? How did he treat you?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 18/01/2021 12:04

even if he apologised - if you got back together it's probable that he would repeat the same behaviour?

Boulshired · 18/01/2021 12:04

An apology will not change the behaviour which he must see for him not the bad as he feels he has nothing to apologise for. you are not comfortable in the one place where you should be this is not going to work.

91divoc · 18/01/2021 12:16

I think you can try couples counselling as it will help even if you want to move on but it's worth trying. Sometimes people need to hear things from different people especially professionals. Maybe ask him to find one so he won't think the one you picked is somehow biased?

Original poster

Chachababa99 · 18/01/2021 12:25

I have asked him about counselling for years he pretends he will then nothing happens. This has been 5 years of break ups and getting back together. I feel like I have made the right choice for me and the kids. But he says things that make me feel bad about it like I have taken his kids away from him, I have robbed them of a family life. He even says that one day the kids will leave me and want to live with him. Honestly he will say anything to break me down.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 18/01/2021 12:27

@Chachababa99

Well, if that's how you felt and he won't admit that then he isn't going to have changed is he? You'd be crazy to go back

rabbitheadlights · 18/01/2021 12:29

Considering your last update NO OP keep going and never look back, he's just jealous and wants to suck you back in

Boulshired · 18/01/2021 12:32

You are answering your own questions OP. You know you have done the right thing and you know he will try to blame you. You now have to keep reminding yourself why you left.

peardrops1 · 18/01/2021 12:32

OP, you have done well to leave this bully and would 100% NOT be doing the best thing for your children by getting back with him. He's still trying to bully you now!

AryaStarkWolf · 18/01/2021 12:32

@Chachababa99

So he's still behaving that way towards you even when you're not together? Don't even think about getting back with him

user1174147897 · 18/01/2021 12:33

Ok, so he's an abuser who's still trying to control you.

You were right to leave. You are right to make it permanent this time.

You should never have joint counselling with an abuser. It is unsafe.

Going back to an abuser is never "for the sake of the family" . Taking him back would damage you and damage your children.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Original poster

Chachababa99 · 18/01/2021 12:35

Thank you I doubt myself so much as being on my own with the babies is hard at times especially with all the mum and baby groups shut down due to covid. But my kids have given me the strength to leave him for good. But I always 2nd guess myself and wonder if I am doing the right thing all the time. Luckily he does love the kids and he is a great dad. Just seems to despise me when all I tried to do was give him and the kids a good life. I switch has flipped within me where I used to be able to brush it off and start again but I justcant anymore. A part of me feels guilty for this.

OP posts:

RolandSchitt · 18/01/2021 12:36

You and your children deserve better than to have him around all the time again. He doesn't sound nice, at all. You've done the right thing in ending the relationship.

Calmandmeasured1 · 18/01/2021 12:37

YANBU to not want to get back with him. He is abusive, doesn't respect you and destroys your self-esteem.

You have not robbed your children of a family life. You have probably ensured a better life for them, albeit it with separated parents.

Don't let him grind you down. I agree with you that you have done the right thing.

Calmandmeasured1 · 18/01/2021 12:38

I wouldn't take him back even if he did admit that he was wrong. That isn't enough.

AdventureCode · 18/01/2021 12:43

Never go back to an abuser, in fact he's an abuser who does not even want to change. If you did he would see this as confirmation his behaviour is and was fine as you have come back to him. You deserve better.

Original poster

Chachababa99 · 18/01/2021 12:44

I know you're totally right. Not that he has ever admitted that he was sorry for hurting me ever in life. He always made it out to be my fault somehow and I always found myself believing it. I know its for the best. Just get derailed when he loads the guilt on me and acts like I have ended it for no reason.

OP posts:

cerealgamechanger · 18/01/2021 13:20

Don't go back.

dottiedodah · 18/01/2021 13:36

I think now you have made the break from him, and he is away from the family most of the week, he has realised its not as green this side of the fence as he thought it would be! I would not go back ,he wont change Im afraid .

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