2 under 2 and a break up?

[Chachababa99]

I have 2 babies under 2, partner and I split up when youngest was 4 months old. She's 10 month now. The last 6 months have been crazy with ups and downs. I have been doing it on my own altho their dad gets them both 2 nights a week which is a great help. He says he want to try again for the kids, but he will not admit fault in the reasons why we split in the first place. I feel my standards have changed from what I want from a relationship and especially now I have a daughter I dont want her to think that the relationship we had was healthy. If he was to put in effort and acknowledge the hurt he caused me and apologise for it I would take him back for the sake of my family but because he wont I just cant do it. I miss him especially during this lockdown as its just me and the 2 babies most of the time. But AIBU because I wont try again without him admiting he was wrong? Its so confusing and I am just so hurt over it it makes me feel worthless.

OP you sound a bit low (understandably).

Wanted to say that, for the majority of the time, you’re caring for 2 under 2. I have one 17 month old and a really supportive husband and what you’re doing would honestly give me a breakdown.

You’re obviously very strong and nobody should be criticising you for what TV show you want to watch. You’re doing a sterling job in very trying circumstances, you should be really proud of yourself and definitely don’t put up with crap from him.

I suspect the reason why you don't write what he did is because it's actually pretty awful.

5 years of break ups is tough and every time you got back with him it would be easier to return the next time.

Stay strong. I'm not sure if the Freedom Programme is of any relevance but I suspect it might be.

At least give it a try www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

@Chachababa99

We broke up because I felt that he had no respect for me. He didn't cheat or anything but I was constantly walking on egg shells for years. I was giving so much energy to please someone who was never happy with the result. And I think after I had my daughter I had just had enough of always taking the blame. Constantly critized about eveything I done. Even down to the TV show I wanted to watch.

He won’t change, don’t go back to forward. Don’t accept 2nd best. He might change for a few weeks and then you will back to treading on eggs shells. He’s shown you who he is.

Sorry I suspect the link I've shared is an incorrect one I've often hear the Freedom Programme recommended as being very useful in spotting signs of coersion etc. If you would like to learn about healthy / unhealthy relationships and felt at any point you were under emotional abuse (eg him withholding affection, financially controlling you etc.) contact your local Woman's Refuge.

@Chachababa99

I have asked him about counselling for years he pretends he will then nothing happens. This has been 5 years of break ups and getting back together. I feel like I have made the right choice for me and the kids. But he says things that make me feel bad about it like I have taken his kids away from him, I have robbed them of a family life. He even says that one day the kids will leave me and want to live with him. Honestly he will say anything to break me down.

Stop getting back together with him, he’s not going to change, he’s a manipulative bully.

Do you work? You need to put all your energy into your own life now, for you and your kids sake.

hello, what were your problems? if you can, then write. Perhaps this is something that can be changed on his part, perhaps on the contrary, community members will tell you how you can change your attitude towards this. if you have a desire to be together, then you can try to use all the options to make your life great together

Honestly there was never any physical harm done but emotionally I feel as though I am scarred for life. I dont want ro get into the nitty gritty for privacy issues. But my entire family do not even speak to him at all. Which played. A huge part in the break down. Again he blames them for coming between us. Which is unbelievable

Ok so I feel there may have been some emotional abuse at play, I really recommend reaching out for support in becoming free and independent. You dont have to go through it alone

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Yes im a teacher. But I havent worked since my first was born, I've lost all my confidence and I just dont know how I can manage full time work with such a demanding job and my 2 little ones. But im hoping to return even as a substitute a few days a week in September.

All the very best to you OP. You are doing a great job and don't doubt your abilities as a parent. You can make this work and you are much too strong to allow this man to make you feel small... you deserve someone who truly values you. He is just trying his luck, by telling you that your kids will go to him .. he knows they will value n respect you much more. Stay strong.. All the best

Dont get back with him. If he had done loads of work on self improvement eg counselling and made changes to his life and was genuinely remorseful then maybe day to day life with him would be different.

As it is, he still appears to be failing to acknowledge he did anything wrong and if that's the case how can he change? And the 'I'll take the kids off you if you don't get back with me' is bullying and manipulative and shows what a nasty person he is and how it would go straight back to before. You wouldnt have 'taken the kids off him' if he hadn't driven you to it by his awful behaviour. And he doesn't sound like a great dad, a great dad doesnt abuse their mother or threaten her through his kids

Thank you all for the support and words of encouragement!! I really appreciate it more than you know xx