Opinions please xx

[Lifeofme1984]

Hi all,

I just need some opinions really, some unbiased opinions.

Quick back story, I was made redundant due to covid in August before hand I had my job for 8 years from full time to part time since having my boys 2 and 3. So like everyone, I am at home, my family live 40 miles away so obviously not seeing them at the moment and the few friends I did have, have moved out of the area, so feeling pretty lonely.
My partner works full time and shifts, he likes to be involved with everything so I can’t just make a meal and it be ok for example, he likes to have input and to be honest does the cooking and i basically clean, look after the kids needs, washing up etc.
Anyway last night he got back earlier that he should’ve so I had eaten with the kids before him and settled down for an early night, he comes in and he said he was going to get a takeaway and I went to bed.
So I wake up this morning and he hasn’t had takeaway, he’d cooked, but when I say every surface is covered in pans and plates covered in food and him asleep on the sofa. So I’m annoyed, I say ‘oh I can see what you had for dinner last night’ and look unimpressed but instead of a I’m sorry, he says to me ‘why should I say sorry, you’re here all day’ and then when I argue back telling him that’s disrespectful, it’s degenerates and turned into a slanging match.
Now don’t get me wrong, the man cooks for us when he is here and I have no problem with washing up but am I being unreasonable for being pissed off this morning?

I feel so unappreciated now I’m not working, this is one of many things, I’d love loads of opinions but it would take all day.

Thank you if you got this far x

From first impressions of the situation, you’re definitely not being unreasonable, especially as it seems symptomatic of a larger issue if you’re feeling generally unappreciated!

To be clear, the ‘you’re here all day’ comment was to say that he saw no reason to clean up as you have today to do so?

It is part of a bigger issue, I just feel like I’m starting to see things for what they are now and he always try’s to make it look like I’m being out of order.

Yes basically saying I am here all day so I can do it, or he sees no reason why I can’t as I have nothing else to do because I don’t work. X

I would be pissed off too. My DH has been furloughed and I am still working but I still do a good share of all the cleaning as well as most of the cooking.
I would never tell him he has to clean up the mess I made cooking for my own benefit!

I mean, you've said it yourself - there's a bigger issue than the washing up, which in itself I imagine is a reasonably common squabbling point for couples. I think you need to talk to your partner and explain how you're feeling. The "your here all day comment" would sting for me too, as you haven't chosen this and as you've explained your lonely and probably bored and sad?

Thank you so much. Actually made me tear up that someone understands.
It’s like I’m beneath him as I’m not working and he is working full time, it’s not as though I have a lovely day filled of time for myself, infact I don’t get any time off.
Honestly, I am so fed up with it all. Nothing I do gets seen, it’s all expected as I am here all day and apparently have nothing else to do.
X

Many years ago when I first got together with DH, we would take it in turns to cook.
One cooked and the other did the washing and tidying up.

I soon changed the rules to whoever cooked, also washed up!!!!
because I used to clean up after myself as I went along and so there was usually only our plates and cutlery to wash up.

However, he used to make a right mess and use so many pans, it looked like a war zone!!!

This is exactly the case in this house! Except if I cook I do the washing up and if he cooks I also do the washing up!

Yanbu, you've already cooked for you and the kids and cleaned that up, you shouldn't be cleaning up his mess to

My dh comes home for lunch, there will usually be soup on the hob but of he doesn't want that he'll begrudgingly make his own lunch. He then usually tries to leave the bread, butter, knife and crumbs all over the place because he thinks its acceptable as hes going back out to work and I'm not. It's not acceptable a d he is told every time he tries it. Just because I only work part time and have the kids at home the rest of the time doesn't mean I'm going to mother him to

Is it possible he was being passive aggressive because you hadn't left him any food?

If I were cooking and my partner was due home later, I'd make enough for him to put in the microwave later (and would expect him to do the same). Could that be it?

Otherwise how is he in your day to day? Do you feel like he loves you? Does he show you that in some way? I think it's worth you sitting down and having a heart to heart with him about your sense of self worth since losing your job, and how he makes you feel.

This is what I said this morning when it turned into a shouting match, I shouted I’m
not your mum, to be honest he doesn’t speak to his mum but I doubt she ever tidied up after him knowing her. He does it with lunch stuff aswell, just piles up the sink.
The worst thing is, if he had rinsed plates and stacked them etc, I would’ve washed them up probably, it’s the blatant disrespect for me!!

It sounds like without any discussion or consideration, your DP has decided your "job" is now to skivvy. Regardless that you didnt make the choice to be at home. It is tantamount to punishing you. If HE lost HIS job, I expect he'd have wanted sympathy and understanding about the situation he found himself in, and not expected to be scraping the bottom of pans when you waltzed in from your job and made a mess. But you have just been cast as the 'little woman'; you are inferior. You are expected just to put up with it because, after all, isnt that what women have done for centuries?

It is as if, for all these years, our role in the workplace has just been tolerated by a large number of men, they have never believed in real equality. It is convenient when we are bringing in an income, but the second there's a crisis they reveal their true feelings. Covid has just pulled this into sharp focus.

I'm really sorry for you OP. Many of us are married to secret chauvinist.

@CrotchBurn

Is it possible he was being passive aggressive because you hadn't left him any food?

If I were cooking and my partner was due home later, I'd make enough for him to put in the microwave later (and would expect him to do the same). Could that be it?

Otherwise how is he in your day to day? Do you feel like he loves you? Does he show you that in some way? I think it's worth you sitting down and having a heart to heart with him about your sense of self worth since losing your job, and how he makes you feel.

To be honest it is a long running thing, that I don’t cook but I have tried but everything I like or want to cook he doesn’t want, it’s hard to explain but yeah, if he’s not here I have spag Bol and chilli etc and he wouldn’t eat that in a million years. He has decided on takeaway, so he would’ve told me not to get anything out you know?

He’s pretty disrespectful to be honest, we’ve both given up smoking and he says I wouldn’t be able to do it without him and I lost a lot of weight beforw kids and he says he made me skinny etc, just basically knocking down any little thing I may have felt good about.

@SillyOldMummy

It sounds like without any discussion or consideration, your DP has decided your "job" is now to skivvy. Regardless that you didnt make the choice to be at home. It is tantamount to punishing you. If HE lost HIS job, I expect he'd have wanted sympathy and understanding about the situation he found himself in, and not expected to be scraping the bottom of pans when you waltzed in from your job and made a mess. But you have just been cast as the 'little woman'; you are inferior. You are expected just to put up with it because, after all, isnt that what women have done for centuries?

It is as if, for all these years, our role in the workplace has just been tolerated by a large number of men, they have never believed in real equality. It is convenient when we are bringing in an income, but the second there's a crisis they reveal their true feelings. Covid has just pulled this into sharp focus.

I'm really sorry for you OP. Many of us are married to secret chauvinist.

I think you hit the nail on the head there. Chauvinist is the word for him, I think deep down he has deep rooted issues about women in general, he try’s to belittle me to show he is the man of the house and without him I basically wouldn’t have a roof over my head. I’ve had enough if I’m honest x

He sounds mean to you.

In an ideal world OP, what would happen? Is the ideal that you would talk to him and things would improve? Or are you fantasising about life without him? Do you still love him? And I dont mean in that kind of sibling style way you have when you've been together for years. Do you love him as a man, as your partner?

The more you update the less I like him. He made you skinny? Egotistical bastard. The only person who lost that weight was you. I think it's worth having a look at other aspects of your relationship and seeing what he actually brings to your life

So he won't eat Bolognese, chilli etc., what does he eat/cook?

To be honest, I think a lot about a life without him, I love him because he is the father of my kids and they are the best thing to happen to me. I’ve known for the longest time, we probably shouldn’t be together and I’ve even tried to end it many times but he’s a master manipulator, blames the fact I’m on anti depressants and also says about my boys and how I’m selfish etc. I’m comfortable in my life when everything is going smoothly which isn’t very often but I’m not happy. But I keep not trusting myself, and think what if I leave, will I regret it, will I be alone forever etc.
So much has happened in the time we’ve been together, I won’t bore you all with it, I just have no one to talk too, you have no idea how much I appreciate being able to vent and have some unbiased opinions. Thank you.

Basically always meat and rice and other variants. Won’t eat one pot food is basically the bottom line!

Yeah I’ve said this before and he says he did the cooking, and without him I wouldn’t have been able to do it. If that’s the case he’s made me fat aswell probably so hopefully no one else will want me joke, kind of.....

You can feel free to vent away! It sounds like you want to, and should, leave him. Now it's about coming to terms with that idea and accepting that what he says about you isnt true - it's designed to make you doubt yourself and stay

Another prince among men.
If it was a one off and he was annoyed you'd burst in and started whining and he was always going to clean up, then ok.

Doesn't sound like it though, from what you've said he hates anything you cook so does the cooking but then leaves the clean up to you.
My husband is a twat with this.
If he cooks, it's like a fucking ready steady cook episode, every utensil out, plates all over, fat splatter and the plates eaten off and table left while he gives our youngest a bath (sits on the floor texting).

If I cook, I start by emptying the dishwasher so any plates etc go straight in, I cook and while something is boiling on the stove etc, I put everything dirty in the dishwasher, wipe benches and put out serving plates. To me, it's fucking logical to do that, why have a full dishwasher of clean stuff and plates piled up.
Before dishwasher I'd fill a sink with hot water and Chuck anything used in as I went.
I then clear plate and table etc.

I think making good for yourself and destroying the kitchen and saying 'you're here all day' is so disrespectful.
Adults should clean up after themselves. Not expect others to wipe their arses for them. Christ you'd already fed the kidsand yourself and no doubt cleaned all that up?
Twat.

He sounds horrible.

Leaving the kitchen in a mess would be sort of excusable if he’d said “sorry, I was knackered, I’ll do it now” but expecting you to do it is totally wrong.

With what else you’ve said about him, I’m not sure why you’re still together.

@Dopo

Another prince among men. If it was a one off and he was annoyed you'd burst in and started whining and he was always going to clean up, then ok.

Doesn't sound like it though, from what you've said he hates anything you cook so does the cooking but then leaves the clean up to you.
My husband is a twat with this.
If he cooks, it's like a fucking ready steady cook episode, every utensil out, plates all over, fat splatter and the plates eaten off and table left while he gives our youngest a bath (sits on the floor texting).

If I cook, I start by emptying the dishwasher so any plates etc go straight in, I cook and while something is boiling on the stove etc, I put everything dirty in the dishwasher, wipe benches and put out serving plates. To me, it's fucking logical to do that, why have a full dishwasher of clean stuff and plates piled up.
Before dishwasher I'd fill a sink with hot water and Chuck anything used in as I went.
I then clear plate and table etc.

I think making good for yourself and destroying the kitchen and saying 'you're here all day' is so disrespectful.
Adults should clean up after themselves. Not expect others to wipe their arses for them. Christ you'd already fed the kidsand yourself and no doubt cleaned all that up?
Twat.

Yep it was all tidy and clean as was the rest of the house, I do tidy without thinking so maybe he just takes it for granted. He says, I don’t ask you to do a lot, ok but neither do I of him. I’d be quite happy eating a jacket potato or Bolognese most nights, he cooks coz he wants it elaborate and not simple

Funny thing is is that he came out to the door after getting off the sofa and went ‘oh shut’ but because I had the gall to say something he though nah sod that!

I just don’t know where to start and if I’m
Strong enough. He has 3 other kids and I’ve seen what he’s like to his ex etc and I don’t know if I’ve got it in me. The worst thing is, is that you start to believe some things they say, especially as I have no family or friends about and in this pandemic. I know my sister and dad would help me but then that’s moving 40 miles away, from someone who despite his many faults would want to see his kids or staying where I am with no support network to make sure my boys have a relationship with their dad