To be irritated by false praise?

[Thistledew]

It's only a minor irritation in the scheme of things and most of the time I just let it wash over me, but I do wonder if IABU to be bothered at all.

I regularly cook for someone who is a fussy eater. She is unfailing complementary about my cooking and therein lies the rub: she will be just as thankful when I serve her a complex and carefully prepared dish of things I know she likes to eat as when she is eating nothing but half a buttered baked potato (because she has suddenly decided that she doesn't like the topping, despite it being something she has eaten with apparent enjoyment several times before).

I don't think she sees that it renders the praise of the fancy dish meaningless if she effusively praises the baked spud as being "fantastic and delicious".

AIBU?

Yes YABU and very picky.

She is making an effort to be kind and grateful.

YABU
She’s being polite ffs.

God save us from those arseholes who try to be polite and gracious, eh?

Is she a toddler? Because this sounds like my toddler if I’m honest...

I just don't see the point of un-genuine praise. It doesn't mean that you can't be polite and say thank you when someone cooks for you, but it's completely pointless to issue praise completely indiscriminately. It makes me feel that actually she doesn't appreciate it when I try and cook something special that she will like as it's no more attractive to her than something that has taken zero effort.

I think you're massively overthinking: being gracious and polite when someone has done something for you is such an unalloyed positive.

I dislike it when people feel their right to "speak their mind" always trumps common decency. There's a place for straight talk but receiving a baked potato that someone has cooked for you isn't it.

Yabu

Simple food done well is delicious. I love jacket potatoes!

Also. Polite. What do you want her to say about the spud? Nothing? No one would do that!

Also see the likes of Rick stein, Jamie o and a host of other chefs who like the simple food done well is awesome idea. It's hardly an unusual approach.

YANBU. Politeness is one thing, but fake praise makes me feel horrible because I know it's not true. And it completely devalues genuine praise which is a lovely thing to receive. And you shouldn't always receive because not everything one does is equally great. It's like that OTT thanks call centre people when you supply your account number. Has the opposite effect from the intended.

I think your relationship with this person must be crux of the complexity as otherwise I’m not getting why you are so concerned.

I don't know, I am the fussy eater here and I don't really care if it's a jacket spud, a mitchelin 3 course thing or a ready meal reheated. I just say Thanks and the bit I like about it.

I assume he is doing the fancy stuff as he enjoys cooking rather than for me. As I don't particularly care either way.

Well this is why everyone hates Mr Collins in P&P, isn't it?

Yanbu.

I get what you mean, it's not that you aren't happy she's grateful with whatever you cook, it's that everything garners the same level of praise regardless.

So you make a fabulous, complex dish, she declares it delicious and amazing. Next day, she has half a spud and she tells you it was divine.

Leaving you wondering why you bothered creating a complex dish if it's apparently no better than a microwaved spud.

I have that too sometimes, gushing praise over something 'boring', yet I make an effort and its 'nice'

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds this annoying.

As Canyoncall identified, this is a wider relationship issue. It's part of a pattern of communication differences that we have - she often says things that superficially seem to be polite and caring, but if you think about them for more than a nano-second are actually devoid of sincerity. They often leave me second-guessing whether she actually means what she says or if she is joking/being sarcastic/treating me with kid gloves.

Another example is when my train was delayed for 15 mins on a 25 minute journey. I walked in the door to be greeted by her saying "You poor thing, you've had such a long and difficult journey." I think she was genuinely trying to offer sympathy for the fact I was delayed, but it was so out of synch with the actual difficulty of the journey that I'm left wondering if she actually means what she has said.

I'm trying to work on my relationship with her and understanding where she is coming from will hopefully mean I feel less on edge and like I'm second guessing every second thing she says.

But it is genuine. The 'genuine' kindness one shows is of respect and care to the feelings of others. It's a show of genuine care. Not about the bloody object in question. It's why when you receive a present, you don't say curtly "thanks", because that would be rude.

'Another example is when my train was delayed for 15 mins on a 25 minute journey. I walked in the door to be greeted by her saying "You poor thing, you've had such a long and difficult journey." I think she was genuinely trying to offer sympathy for the fact I was delayed, but it was so out of synch with the actual difficulty of the journey that I'm left wondering if she actually means what she has said.'

She sounds really kind and nice to me!

I wouldn't think to say that but I'm a bit of a self centred arse tbh.

Do you like her? If so. I mean I can't understand your problem really.

Ok op.

I was brought up in a way that, all my family are quite. Not good with common courtesy.

DH family are very polite that way.

I find it weird. And annoying at times.

She's just engaging in standard politeness. That we're not all just to.

Smile and go along with it. Unless you don't like her, in which case, also don't worry about it tbh but see her less.

The train thing is something my mother in law would do. The smallest "irritation in life" than one posts for amusement on Facebook and she would show such sympathy (and I am just posting about say doing an exam or having to wait 2 mins for the next tube)'
Just her way. I am glad I don't live with it though. Very different communication styles. You have "the ick" where what they say irritates the heck out of you rather than a charming foible!

Maybe it is though and she is appreciating the time and effort you spent on her behalf?

Ahh my MIL and SIL will do this. Make such a big deal out of such a small thing that you aren't quite sure if they are taking the piss or not.

Mind you DH and FIL are the exact opposite.

DH could win the lottery, buy his dream house, have his all time favourite band ask him to play guitar with him and be the first to photograph some new space object and if you asked him how his day was he'd shrug and say "it was alright, I guess...."!!!

People are different.

Honestly, you sound as though you can't tolerate difference.

On her side, she probably picks up your dislike of her and is trying to placate you.

Honestly, I think that with some fussy eaters, their response to food is just ‘Will eat’ or ‘Won’t eat’, it’s that basic. The gratitude comes purely from whatever you’re offering being in the ‘Will eat’ category.

Also, I strongly suspect the real issue is actually rooted in something very different.

Does she make you feel insecure?

Often our feelings of hostility come from things we disavow, or our own feelings of insecurity - and they may be quite baseless.

I do get what the OP means. I know someone who gushes exactly the same level of over-the-top praise for anything from a cup of tea and a Hobnob to a child’s doodle on the fridge to seeing someone in their wedding dress — it’s as though she can’t distinguish between ‘Thanks, that was nice’ or ‘I like your earrings’ and ‘You look SENSATIONALLY BEAUTIFUL, OH MY GOD’. Because everything is ‘SENSATIONALLY BEAUTIFUL, OH MY GOD!’

I don’t think it’s insincere, exactly — I knew her mother, who did exactly the same, so think it’s learned behaviour — but it can feel like that if a new cushion cover elicits the same level of gushing admiration as, I don’t know, a major promotion.

By the way, everyone hates Mr Collins because he misuses the form of politesse.

In 'Emma', Mr Knightley demonstrates the correct form of polite conversation: he is always socially appropriate but he also eases the incongruities of social status with good manners.

Mr Collins is the opposite: he tries to social climb (always a cardinal, not venal, sin in Jane Austen) through conversation and, worse, he never eases awkward social status ambiguities through his use of language - he sharpens them.

So, for example, his marriage proposal to the heroine makes the economic and social situation sharp and clear, rather than using language to balm.

Plus, of course, he's going to take their home. Which, again, he makes abundantly clear.

In short, Mr Collins' 'politeness' is socially stratified - it's not universal. It's the opposite of real politeness - which is 'utopia' and directed to all, irrespective of class.