To be irritated by false praise?

[Thistledew]

It's only a minor irritation in the scheme of things and most of the time I just let it wash over me, but I do wonder if IABU to be bothered at all.

I regularly cook for someone who is a fussy eater. She is unfailing complementary about my cooking and therein lies the rub: she will be just as thankful when I serve her a complex and carefully prepared dish of things I know she likes to eat as when she is eating nothing but half a buttered baked potato (because she has suddenly decided that she doesn't like the topping, despite it being something she has eaten with apparent enjoyment several times before).

I don't think she sees that it renders the praise of the fancy dish meaningless if she effusively praises the baked spud as being "fantastic and delicious".

AIBU?

I understand where you are coming from OP but I think you should just ignore it.

Do they know how to cook? They may not comprehend the difference in effort that goes into a fancy meal Vs a simple one. I couldn't get upset by this. I don't praise things based on how I'd praise something else. Just on how much I liked that one thing. Just because you put more effort in, doesn't mean they got more enjoyment out of it.

I don't get this at all.

If someone has gone to the effort to cook s meal for me, I say wow thank you this is delicious.

It's just courtesy?

I decided young that I would compliment people (women generally) because it makes them happy and costs me nothing.

It's served me pretty well.

Maybe she loves jacket potatoes? If she's picky. It might be she genuinely is really happy.

Why question it? Just say thanks I'm glad you like it, and enjoy you're evening.

No?

Also and this is maybe not going to be welcome.

If you invite someone to your home to eat then you want to make them happy.

Whether you cook fancy or simple is your choice.

Your aim is to make your guest say yum and see it in their eyes.

The expensive/ fancy versus simple and she's supposed to acknowledge etc makes you sound like a host who is more focused on yourself than your guest.

I would say cook simple for her and invite someone who understands about more complicated stuff for when you want to cook that way.

She is happy. What's the problem. I genuinely don't get it. She sounds nice to me!

She sounds very polite and appreciative. It shows that no matter the effort you put in she appreciates it. It's polite and I think you are being very unreasonable here.

My mum is like this and it’s always bothered me. She isn’t fake. I think it’s social anxiety but I’ve always longed for her to be authentic.

OP... unless the lady is question is a known fake I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and realise it’s probably meant well.

But don’t beat yourself up for feeling irritated because directness/ honesty/ authenticity means more to some than others (it means everything to me).

It may not be false praise. Maybe she's just really grateful you cook for her regardless of what it is.

You're feeding her not giving her a kidney. YABU.

It never ceases to amaze how much so many people are against people just being plain nice. I mean what would you prefer they say to you..take your baked potato and f* off? And the even worse thing is, when people stop being nice for a bit or have a bad day, then people are all over them for "showing your true colours" or "being unreasonable" or whatever..They literally can't win either way. I'm not sure it's a good world to live in where trying to be kind etc is jumped on with such suspicion and derision...what on earth has happened to us as a species?!

Maybe she's just genuinely nice and caring and does appreciate that you've fed her anything at all and equally appreciates that you've had to change her meal to suit her or that you've cooked something specially for her. And she really does care that you've had to deal with a delay to your journey.
It doesn't sound like she's being patronising, just very nice.

Agree with you, OP. I can’t stand fake politeness and find it dishonest.

My MIL is rather like this. For example, I made a chocolate cake which ended up resembling brick dust in flavour and texture. Even my dustbin of a father who will eat anything didn’t manage to finish a slice. The MIL declared it was delicious and how I was so clever to be such a good baker. She’s either a bloody good liar, or has no appreciation of food. Either way, I won’t be offering her any more bakes because it’s clear that is is waste on her!

I would honestly think that she’s been brought up with the mantra “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” then possibly had kids who she wants to set a good example for/ is a “positivity” person hence the behaviour. I would say it’s not about you, it’s about her.

Also, insecurity. Being worried about being seen negatively so is super cheerful to compensate. Who knows?

Personally when I meet people and have a normal conversation I’m always amazed when other people then criticise them and pick everything they say apart. What for? We all have negative points. I am just glad to be alive and safe though.

Thanks all. Food for thought in the replies, definitely.

One odd thing now I think of it is that she sometimes swings the other way and downplays things that are actually more serious or significant.

For example: she seems to have some degree of health anxiety and will make a big fuss about ordinary coughs and colds. She can practically catch a stomach bug down the phone and if you get any sort of temporary back ache she will still be asking two years later if it is still troubling you.

Yet on one occasion (pre-COVID), I came down with a virus overnight and was pretty unwell. I had nearly passed out when I got up to deal with DS who was a toddler. In the morning I was desperately trying to find someone to cover my work for the day as I knew that I really needed to stay in bed. She was due to look after DS, but when I told her of how ill I was feeling (and she knew that I'm usually very stoic about illness) her response was "Do you think you are coming down with a bit of a cold?"

I think the core of the issue is that we have very different communication styles but understanding that will I think help me not to feel annoyed rather than feeling that I'm being irrationally irritated.

Did she do the childcare?

She did. Despite my best efforts I could find no one to take on the work and it would have cost the clients thousands if it hadn't been done on that day (legal sector).

*so I had to go into work for a while despite feeling absolutely dreadful.

She does the childcare
She compliments the food

What is your actual complaint about the time you were ill?

Do you like her?

It doesn't sound that bad written down tbh but at the end of the day we're all human and there's obviously something about the way she communicates in certain situations that sits badly with you sometimes.

Also, being very lavish with compliments about food doesn't necessarily mean that she'll also immediately understand how I'll you are, I suppose. I wonder if her parents are very over the top with food compliments or expected her to be hugely grateful for meals? So much of what we do is just habits learned early.

It sounds like you really dislike this person. Nothing you have described sounds spiteful, just a bit of a personality clash. Is it your MIL by any chance?

I always thank people if they have cooked for me.
Because it's an effort.
I would think it rude not to!

It's just courtesy! My family always say thank you mmm that's lovely with food. If DD makes me a toastie or if DH and I do a roast. The kids have said thank you since they were little. I didn't make them they just picked it up.

OP I really don't get the problem.

If you like her, put it to one side.

You're good enough friends that she babysits (for free?) And you're griping about how she described your illness.

I mean, come on. She sounds really generous and nice.

I decided young that I would compliment people (women generally) because it makes them happy and costs me nothing

If it's not genuine it can just make them uncomfortable.

It's always genuine.

New haircut/ colour/ great shoes..

It's not fake at all. I wouldn't lie.

And yes it does make women happy. We are judged on our appearance so much. It's not all the time. But it has always been met with a surprised big smile.

A lot of women can't take a compliment. Oh no my hair is terrible/ the shoes were cheap etc. I used to be like that. Now I smile and say thank you. It's not something women are supposed to do. And when they say oh my hair is terrible/the shoes are cheap I say well. You look fab. And smile.

I'm older now (how did that happen?) But I just want women to be more confident. So many of us are embedded in massive self judgement. It's toxic and encouraged by so many things. To make us feel not up to par.

If a woman has a great necklace and I say. Wow that's a great necklace it really suits you. I mean come on. I shouldn't do that? Because they'll be uncomfortable? No. They always look pleased and smile. Everyone has something you can compliment if you want to.
I grew up 'pretty' and with all that involves from both men and women. I opted out of that.

Yes, she is my MIL and yes it is correct that I don't always enjoy her company.

But I'm really working at the moment on changing this and trying my best to like her again. She is fundamentally a nice, friendly, fun person, and I do feel sad that I often don't appreciate this, and I would like to change things.

I think that the heart of the problem is that we have very different styles of communication and I often find it difficult to work out where she is coming from. I just feel constantly on edge that she will do or say something that rubs me up the wrong way.

Strangely, knowing that some of her personality quirks would also irritate other people helps me brush them off. If I don't feel so massively unreasonable in being irritated I can somehow set aside the irritation more easily - I know this sounds perverse.

An example from today (we are in a support bubble as she lives alone): we were talking about something to do with DS and screen time. She asked me if we were "having problems with DS stopping in the evenings" and I literally had to say that I had no idea what she was asking me. It was only after a few more tangential questions from her that she explained she was asking about DS throwing massive tantrums when told to put the tablet down and have a bath. This was a one-off incident that happened several weeks ago, but the way she asked it made it seem that she thought he was doing this every evening and that we were really struggling with his behaviour. Given that she has been here since that incident and witnessed several peaceful bedtimes I'm not sure why she would think that.

Yet again, I'm left wondering what she really meant to ask or say and it leaves me feeling very uncomfortable. She gets defensive if I either answer her first question at face value or if I question her to work out what she is really asking.

I'm a fussy eater and would do this. She is being nice OP. Is she a relative or friend?