Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I regret my abortion.

36 replies

Melody1Mel · 17/01/2021 21:31

I'm 27. Boyfriend is 25. I was pregnant in September. Boyfriend didn't want to keep the baby, I was hesitant but decided to go ahead with abortion.

With covid, the pill was sent in the post after a phone interview. I had to put the pills up myself. Boyfriend was working away at the time so couldn't be there for support.

I felt okay afterwards but after christmas it has all hit me.
I lost my job in October due to.covid. i am applying for as much as I can but no job yet. Boyfriend's job involves working away so his.work is slow with covid (he's home now) but he is on good money so has a lot of savings. We both still live at home with our parents.

All I keep thinking about is how much positivity this pregnancy would have brougnt to my life and how excited I would be. Instead i'm on my own in my room crying about my life. What a mess it is. 27 and no job. No idea where to go next. I feel lost.

I brought it up to boyfriend last week about my regrets to which he replied that he doesn't regret it at all (which I totally respect).

I've never felt so depressed. I've had thoughts about ending it all but I would never actually do it, just thoughts.
I keep getting rejection after rejection from jobs and I want the baby back :(

I feel like this is it, that my life won't get any better. I feel stuck :,(

I'm posting here as I feel i've blagged my boyfriend enough, I'm just being happy around him now, trying to be positive. But i'm really really sad, cried myself to sleep most nights. I needed to vent.

OP posts:
OppsUpsSide · 17/01/2021 21:32

I’m sorry you feel so sad, it will get better Flowers

BlueSuffragette · 17/01/2021 21:34

So sorry OP. Be kind to yourself. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? Flowers

RedHelenB · 17/01/2021 21:36

I think in time you will feel you've made the right decision. This pandemic won't last forever.

Namechange2020lalala · 17/01/2021 21:38

That sounds really hard, maybe listen to your feelings, speak to a friend/counsellor, and decide on your next steps. There's nothing wrong with wanting a child, if that's you've realised and what you decide you want later. Take care you can come through from this Flowers

Orangebitters · 17/01/2021 21:41

You poor thing OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I wonder if the environment around you is making this all more difficult than it would have been otherwise? Lost job, covid, general January misery? I don't mean to discount your feelings, because you feel what you feel, but this sounds like it may be more complex than being about the abortion alone. Can you call your GP and speak to them about how you feel?

And you might feel better if you speak to your partner about how you're feeling. Trying to be positive when you're miserable inside can take it out of anyone. You shouldn't feel that you have to do that.

I know this may not help, but you have many years ahead of you to have a lovely family with a supportive partner, and hopefully when there is no pandemic!

Sending hug.

Original poster
Melody1Mel · 17/01/2021 21:44

Thanks everyone Wine Boyfriend and I decided around 30 would be the best time to have children but since the pregnancy, my mind is saying "I want a baby now!" and i can't switch it off.
I see facebook pictures of parents my age who I was in school with with their children playing in the snow or on walks, and I think "if they can do it, why couldn't I have?"

OP posts:
cherrypie111 · 17/01/2021 21:46

Do you regret the abortion? Or are you down about other issues and thing a baby would make you feel better as those are very different emotions.

From your post it definitely seems to be the latter which means you need to focus on something else to keep your mind occupied and hopefully a job will come through soon.

Original poster
Melody1Mel · 17/01/2021 21:46

My boyfriend listens really well and be was rubbing my back last week telling me it will all happen one day, i can't fault him at all. Which is why I feel awful when I feel myself getting mad that he didn't want the baby

OP posts:
OwlWearingGlasses · 17/01/2021 21:46

Don't dwell on things if possible. Try and force your mind onto another topic if you find yourself ruminating on it. Time will make things easier. Read cheerful books and watch cheerful things on tv.

sheepisheep · 17/01/2021 21:46

You've had 2 really traumatic events, one right after the first. Anybody would feel knocked down by that. The 3rd lockdown is really hard, everybody is fatigued and the social isolation means you don't get the same support that you would do normally. I'm not surprised you feel low.

Please think about speaking to your GP, they will be able to direct you towards local services (such as counselling, but maybe other services too depending on where you are) or talk through things like medication, that might help.

Be kind to yourself! This is such a tough time for you, plenty of people would be dealing with this situation with far less tenacity and insight than you seem to. You're doing really well.

Original poster
Melody1Mel · 17/01/2021 21:48

@cherrypie111 maybe you're right. I could be feeling down about lack of work and feeling stuck about the future that maybe my mind is tricking me into believeing a baby would have fixed it all and I would be happier if I was still pregnant.
I suppose it's all la la land.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 17/01/2021 21:50

Do you think you’re sort of seeing the abortion as the starting point for all the shit you’ve gone through since then?

The job, missing your boyfriend, the pandemic...in your head you’ve maybe conflated it all.

I know you say the baby would have brought positivity but you still would have lost your job and you’d still be job hunting, only while pregnant. You’d still be in a room in your parents’ house, only trying to squeeze a baby in. You’d still have no money, only with another, expensive mouth to feed. And we’d still be in the middle of a pandemic.

I really urge you to get some counselling around this.

I’m really sorry you feel this way and it does get better I promise.

FTMF30 · 17/01/2021 21:52

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. You're understandably mourning a loss, even though it might not be seen like that.

I think it's natural to have regret but, from the bit of information you have provided, things might have been very difficult. Losing a job whilst pregnant is far from ideal. Finding a new job whilst pregnant would also be very challenging. You would be under ALOT of stress with a partner who works away so unable to support you.

Things have a way of working out. Let yourself grieve but look forward to the future and all the happiness that is yet to come.

Original poster
Melody1Mel · 17/01/2021 21:53

@OhCaptain yes that does make sense what you say! I don't think it helped that I did it all myself either rather than the usual nurse being there to talk you through it.

Maybe I do need counselling, not sure what's running with covid though

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 17/01/2021 21:54

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, it’s a horrible decision to have to make if you’re not fully reconciled to it. Try and focus on why you decided to terminate in the first place - you’re living at your parents and you’re not working, that would be a rubbish situation to bring a baby into - and focus on changing those things so that you’re in a stronger, more stable place to bring a child up in. Have you been able to talk to friends or a sister less involved? Do abortion services provide follow on support and counselling? Your boyfriend might not be able to give you everything you need right now when talking about this - ie his position is making you hold back on how you really feel. Wishing you strength and a brighter future.

OhCaptain · 17/01/2021 21:56

[quote Melody1Mel]@OhCaptain yes that does make sense what you say! I don't think it helped that I did it all myself either rather than the usual nurse being there to talk you through it.

Maybe I do need counselling, not sure what's running with covid though[/quote]
No, that absolutely can’t have been easy.

Im not in the UK but here they’re still running counselling services over the phone/by video call so it’s definitely worth looking into, I think. Flowers

Original poster
Melody1Mel · 17/01/2021 21:58

I ended up "unfollowing" people my age on facebook who were posting pictures of their babies and children as I was getting upset thinking about what could have been for me.
I suppose I am imagining keeping the baby would have been my 'saviour' (per say) from this depressing, lonely and sad blip in my life.

I keep dreaming about pregnancy - whether it's me being pregnant or dreaming people I know are pregnant.

OP posts:
dingledongle · 17/01/2021 22:00

I would encourage you to seek counselling because you are experiencing loss

Please seek help, to talk through how you feel Thanks it will help to make sense of everything that has happened Smile

partyatthepalace · 17/01/2021 22:01

So sorry you are feeling rough OP.

It's completely natural to mourn, and from your post it's clear all sorts of things are piling on top of you. I don't want to in anyway minimise the grief you are carrying from the termination but perhaps the way you are feeling right now is a reflection of all that is going on, rather than the termination?

It's great you have a supportive partner, and it does sound like some online counselling would be a good idea to work it through. As you do do remember that while you felt uncertain about the termination (as many many people do) you did have very good reasons for deciding that now wasn't the right time.

Good luck with everything

LizFlowers · 17/01/2021 22:06

@OppsUpsSide

I’m sorry you feel so sad, it will get better Flowers
Me too. This will pass, op, I promise you. It's early days yet.
ChocolateSantaisthebestkind · 17/01/2021 22:07

Oh OP, I am sorry you are feeling this way. You have had a lot of loss in a difficult time. However, try to keep in mind that you may still have lost your job with a baby on the way, which would have awful as it does now. Also living apart from your DP with a baby would have been very difficult. What I am trying to say is, the sadness about your baby and current situation is totally understandable, but you are looking at 'what might have been' in your mind, which never includes the difficulties of real life, for any of us. Be kind to yourself, you are not a failure and times will look up! Flowers

thosetalesofunexpected · 17/01/2021 22:18

Hi Op
Forgive yourself,
One day you will become a mother with a partner who is good for you.too just like your friends.

I think it be beneficial for you to explore looking into have some kind of therapy for yourself.
(There is so many different kinds of therapies out there.!
(look into theories as well to see which ones therapies be most effective/beneficial for yourself !

Take carwDaffodilBrewCake xx

Whybot · 17/01/2021 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SlightlyJaded · 17/01/2021 22:28

I'm sorry you are feeling so down OP.

From what you've posted, I am inclined to agree that the abortion is something you will probably come to accept once everything else is less bleak. Without undermining your emotions, I think you might be viewing the idea of being pregnant with a slightly rosy/whimsical regret as it WOULD have been something to look forward to, when there is so little positivity around at the moment.

If you flip it - say you had just been offered an amazing job, your boyfriend and you were looking to book a holiday and covid wasn't a thing - do you think you might be more inclined to feel that waiting was the right thing? If you can imagine that this might be the case, then at least you can comfort yourself with the fact that you haven't made a mistake - you just feel sad. And that, is COMPLETELY understandable.

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 17/01/2021 22:32

Hi Op

Just want to say I was in a similar position age 23. Although I didn't lose my job, it certainly wasn't well paid and my boyfriend at the time also worked away.
I spend a good year afterwards desperately wanting a baby.

It's over a decade later for me now and I look back and think it was the right thing to do. But that took time. Go easy on yourself.

All the hopes, dreams and cute things you want to buy, you still can, that has not been taken away from you forever. It will just come in the future instead. When you're in a better position with work and with financial security and you will treasure your future planned pregnancy and be able to give your future child maybe a better start then you could have now?

I kept the pregnancy test from my abortion and that helped me deal with it. I feel like it was a loss for me, even though it was a choice. It's very hard to explain and I felt a while feeling like I couldn't grieve because I chose it, but that's not the case. You're allowed to feel sad and feel grief. It does get easier.

Hugs xx