Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there a right time to have a baby?

27 replies

Beans13 · 17/01/2021 19:35

Hi everyone,

Basically, I'm wondering if others waited for the 'right' time to have their first child?

I'm only 28, DP is 30. We bought our house two years ago, both have good jobs (although DP higher earner by far) and live in a low cost of living area. We save a lot every month and consider ourselves very very fortunate to be in the position we are in.

However, I've become very broody out of nowhere this past 6 months Sad. I really want to have a baby, I can't stop thinking about it. I want a family, and to have our own family memories. DP is so wonderful, and I love him to bits, I think he would be a very caring father.

I think it hit me at Christmas, when it was just me and DP at home, and it all felt a bit flat and sad IYSWIM?

However, I know DP is not at all ready for kids, however he has definitely warmed to the idea this past year that it is in our future after we are married (which will be this year).

His main reasoning is that he wants to pass his final work related exams that will make him fully qualified (NHS).

Not to drip feed also - I only have one ovary left after surgery from ovarian cysts. This impacts my fertility which is in the back of my mind right now.

I feel like he is scared of the idea, but isn't everyone? Is there ever a right time for children?

OP posts:
mummydoingamasters · 17/01/2021 19:53

Nope! I got pregnant 4 months into a new relationship. I lived in a 1 bed flat at the time. 4 years later were married with 2 kids and trying for no. 3.

I'm know I'm lucky that even though it wasn't the right time it worked out alright in the end

Seventytwo · 17/01/2021 20:16

Personally, for financial protection I’d get married first. After that, crack on! But do make sure he’s not just going to keep making excuses first - you absolutely need to come to an agreement now about when to start trying IMO. Sorry if that all sounds cynical but I’ve seen a couple of friends lose their fertile years to men who were never quite ready, despite being in their 30s/40s. Wanting to pass his exams first is a valid reason, just make sure it’s not an excuse, because there’s never a “right” time and there will always be a reason not to take the plunge.

cherrypie111 · 17/01/2021 20:29

Of course there is a right time to have a child

Secure jobs

Financial stability

Enough savings

Ducks in a row

gigi556 · 17/01/2021 20:29

Never a good time really, but I do think it sounds sensible to pass the exams first (depending on how far off this is?) because once you have a baby you really have no time to do anything 😬 Especially if you don't have doting grandparents nearby that can help.

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 17/01/2021 20:33

Some times are better than others (eg it sounds like you're financially secure which is a good start), but what's a 'right' time for someone else won't be for you.

Original poster
Beans13 · 17/01/2021 20:59

Really appreciate the honest replies everyone, thank you.

Lots to think about, I think we are almost there in terms of a paper 'checklist', but I feel so torn about waiting when I see others having babies who aren't as 'secure'(?) as us.

DPs final exam is in August 2022 - I know it's not long in the grand scheme of things, I'm probably being impatient. In my mind I think, what if it takes me years to conceive? Do I want to wait another year to delay and find out? AHH.

OP posts:
Drivemecrazy12 · 17/01/2021 21:05

If the final exam is in August, can you not start soon seeing as it'll be 9 months until a baby arrives? Thats assuming you conceive first time.

There never is a right time but it does sound like you're almost there.

partyatthepalace · 17/01/2021 21:17

It sounds like you are nearly in the right place. 2 years from now? I presume you don’t want to be in advanced pregnancy when DP is doing his final exams.

So you’ll be trying in a year.

Why do you think he’s scared?

VestaTilley · 17/01/2021 21:20

Wait until you get married and your DP does his training.

There’s never a right time, no, but there is such a thing as a wrong time and getting pregnant before your DP wants to is a bad idea. If you get pregnant quickly before he really is keen he could resent you and the baby.

I understand your fertility is a concern, but as you’re only 28 I’d say you’ve got a couple of years before you worry. Enjoy being married, hopefully out of a pandemic, go on a few good holidays, then start trying.

raspberryk · 17/01/2021 21:23

There is and there isn’t, if your dp isn’t ready at 30 will he ever be?
I’d be making sure he was on board with trying the second you were married to be honest, you sound like you’re in a great position.
And at 28 with only one ovary I’m not sure I’d be wanting to wait at all or happy with a dp who didn’t understand the urgency.
But then I had both my dc by 27.

WhateverJudy · 17/01/2021 21:24

Lots of people will say there’s no right time, it all works out etc etc but have a long read through the relationships board and you will probably conclude that the right time is:

  • after marriage.
  • after buying a house, in both names.
  • after your career is established to a reasonable level and you are in a position to negotiate about what hours you return to, if that’s what you want. Part time professional level jobs are rarely advertised but plenty of people already at a certain level in a job can negotiate a reduction.

-after you and your husband have had full and frank conversations about what life will look like with a child, who will work, who will do nursery runs and sick days. So after your husband has fully acknowledged that his own life will be affected by the arrival of a baby.

  • after all bank accounts and assets are in joint names, if you intend to give up work or go part time.
UsernameSpoosername · 17/01/2021 21:26

We were renting a gorgeous, I miss it 1 bed flat when I fell pregnant & we were still there when I got pregnant with DC2. We rent a 2 bed now & I’m
Pregnant with dc3!

We’re also not married & DP is the solo earned, I’m a SAHM. It’s like mumsnet bingo, honestly.

So on paper, you’re in a much better position than we were. We wanted children, we had them, we don’t regret them. We want to own a house one day, when I’m back at work... but we wanted a family more! That’s ok!

firstimemamma · 17/01/2021 21:29

If you're financially comfortable I'd ttc after the wedding rather than waiting for august next year. Ds' dad got a medical qualification on top of his full-time nhs job after we became parents (and we have zero family support) so it is possible plus as previous posters have said you don't know how long it will take to have a baby (a friend of mine took 3 years to conceive dc 1 and less than a year to go on to conceive dc 2 so sometimes there really is no rhyme or reason to it). However if your dp isn't ready emotionally then I guess there's not much you can do - both partners being willing and ready is best really. Good luck Thanks

hammeringinmyhead · 17/01/2021 21:31

I agree with the points above re: sensible to be trying from a few months before the exams. He could study alongside work but something that eats into his non-work time when he could be taking over from you in the evenings and on days off(if you take the mat leave) is hard.

The right time is when you're both ready. However with one ovary I think I would be giving him some info on what that might mean. I'm not sure that the sex ed approach we have is helpful, whereby you're told if 2 teenagers are naked within 2 metres of each other there is a pregnancy risk. A lot of men carry that into adulthood and think it's that easy.

Darbs76 · 17/01/2021 21:34

Why does he want to wait until after exams? As he will need to study? If so rather than financial then you could be 7/8 months pregnant by then so that’s not too far off until you conceive

Drivemecrazy12 · 17/01/2021 21:36

Sorry I didn't see you said 2022. Tbh my view is skewed as I am a similar age and have been TTC a while now. We don't have any problems we know of and assumed things would be pretty quick. In your position I would go ahead and start trying ASAP, maybe with plans for marriage in place.

If we are lucky enough to conceive this year I will be doing my masters dissertation alongside a newborn, so it can be done.

Tiny2222 · 17/01/2021 21:43

I think in a perfect world the right time to have a baby is anytime after you are married, own a big enough house, both are done school and have steady full-time jobs and before age 32 (if you plan to have more than 1 kid).

RandyGiles06 · 17/01/2021 21:44

I don’t think there is necessarily a right or wrong time as things to tend to sort themselves out, but what I would say is that if someone is in a good financial position with all major expenses out of the way (deposit for first house and wedding etc) they would be likely to have a less stressful pregnancy and maternity leave. However taking into account what you have said about your ovary, I would inclined to gently speak to your DP about rethinking your timeline.

Skysblue · 17/01/2021 21:45

Most men never feel ‘ready for kids’, they get talked into it by their partners and then come to be excited about it once the baby’s on the way. That’s been the case with most couples I know anyway, certainly was with us.

You’re broody because your fertility peaked at age 21 and has been in decline since, and your biological clock is ticking. Men just don’t have that changing in their body.

I and almost all the women I know in real life wanted more children than we were biologically able to have, because we assumed we’d still be fertile throughout our thirties. That wasn’t the case.

Tell your husband to grow up and get ready to be a dad. Point out what happens to the downs syndrome stats as your eggs age. (My friend is parenting a child with downs and this comes with more medical complications that most know.)

RedMarauder · 17/01/2021 21:49

Wait until after your wedding mainly because hopefully this bloody pandemic will be mostly over.

DanceWithYourBalloon · 17/01/2021 21:50

I was married and financially stable when we had our first. I have also been pregnant and given birth to two lovely babies while doing a masters degree over two years. Research, dissertations, the lot.
If I coped doing that then your husband could cope if he had to, seeing as he's not doing the growing and pushing! 😂
In all seriousness though I think you're almost there. I'd get married and maybe agree to start trying 9 months before his final exam. Probably quite important to be on the same page. Good luck.

Youarenothere · 17/01/2021 21:50

Don’t reckon there’s right time (we’ve done everything in the wrong order). But I would say it’s very important both of you are on board as it’s like a bomb going off in your life and you will need his full support and commitment. I’d also say it depends on the type of people you are as to how much of a right time it needs to be. Just the fact you’re asking rather than doing probably means you should follow the lists from pp re marriage, finances etc

BettyAndVeronica · 17/01/2021 22:07

I'm only 28, DP is 30.

I tried for my 2nd baby at 28. It took over a year TTC.

I don't think men get that broody feeling to anywhere near the same degree, having a child is scary, it's change, and that's often at the forefront or their minds.

I'd agree with you that there's rarely a 'right time'. Sounds like you have things pretty good.

BettyAndVeronica · 17/01/2021 22:11

BTW my DH qualified as a Solicitor since our first was born. He studied in the evenings. It was fine.
& Our second should have been at his graduation ceremony last summer too (cancelled due to covid).

MeadowHay · 17/01/2021 22:20

I think now sounds like a fine time for you both, but you do need to have plans in place as to how to ensure DH is able to study effectively with a child and pass his exam. But this is moot if he doesn't want to start trying. I don't think TTC is something people should be trying to persuade their partner of. Everyone is different and it wouldn't be right to press someone if theyre not ready. Having said that I would agree with PP that a frank conversation with time scales needs to be had because a lot of women do get strung along about this...

DH started his post grad professional qualification (also NHS) when I was pregnant. DD was born during his first clinical placement 6 months in to the course. He qualified with a distinction when she was about 18 months old. We are now about your age and she's 2.5 and we started TTC no.2 a few months ago. I will also be doing a post grad course soon for a career in the law so will be starting that when no.2 is anywhere between 6 months and 1 year depending on how long it now takes us to TTC - and you do have to think about how kids will fit in with your plans so for example for us given the insanely competitive opportunity I've just been given, if we havent concieced within the next 7 months or so, we will have to stop and won't be able to try again for another 5 years or so unfortunately. And that's something we've both had to agree on and come to terms with as life doesn't always go to plan. Just like we both wanted to start TTC a year ago but agreed we couldn't due to financial and career reasons so could only start a few months ago.