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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Co-Parent gone AWOL

57 replies

AngelDelightUK · 17/01/2021 19:04

I haven’t hidden at all in my previous posts that my 9 month old DD’s Dad is my gay best friend. We have all been getting along brilliantly, until just before Christmas when he got told to move out by the mutual friend he’d been living with. He didn’t actually tell me this though until he’d been living in a hotel for nearly a week.

He went back to his home town, which is about 85 miles away, for Christmas, and has just dropped the bombshell he isn’t coming back. His work has totally dried up because of Covid, and he’s staying with family which I think has done him the world of good.

He hasn’t seen DD since he travelled down on Christmas Eve, because I was expecting him to be coming back soon. I was even helping him to find a new flat to rent, but this has now put a spanner in the works. I suspect that he’s got back with his ex who he did miss dreadfully but that’s another story.

Anyway, he’s now asking how we are going to sort him seeing DD, and is asking for me to drive to a service station to drop her to him, and he will do the same when he returns her. His home town is on the same motorway stretch I live on, but door to door is about 1hr 30-2hrs. He’s suggesting somewhere which is half way.

Now I’m not happy about driving DD to a service station an hour way in the middle of a pandemic. For one, I don’t overly see it as an essential journey, I do not wish to be pulled over by the police asking what I’m doing in a service station, and I don’t particularly like the idea of DD being transported between two major cities. That said, we were co-parenting, he is a good dad to her, and I’m sure he misses her loads.

AIBU to tell him to get his arse back up here, so he can spend as much time as he likes with DD, or should I drive her to another county for her to be picked up, which would lead to her driving through/too another two counties

OP posts:

4amWitchingHour · 17/01/2021 19:08

Children are allowed to move between the homes of their parents who don't live together, however at 9 months old I wouldn't want my LO away from me for long - what's he suggesting? I'd be inclined to say no, and that he's chosen to move so he can come for day trips.

Whatisthis543 · 17/01/2021 19:09

Sounds like he’s generally a great coparent and I think that you both need to make the effort to allow regular contact for your daughter. It’s just like an ex partner moving away and he seems like he does want to meet in the middle. As you’re travelling to take your child between parents I’m sure it’s allowed

TaraR2020 · 17/01/2021 19:15

At 9 months old isn't she a little young to be spending nights away from you in a different city?

Can he come and stay with you for access visits?

I think if you're not happy with what he's proposing then YANBU to come up with an alternative, at least in the short term until he knows what his long term plans are and during the pandemic.

Santaiscovidfree · 17/01/2021 19:16

He can do the full journey. Dd will be making the whole journey due to his choices. He can also.
Not your responsibility...

DDiva · 17/01/2021 19:19

Children can move between parents.

I get that its inconvenient him having moved however he couldnt foresee the massive change in his circumstances (work or accomodation). It would be fairer for him to do the travelling but even if he did staying somewhere currently would be difficult and it's not like he can take her out for the day at the moment.

For now I'd go with his suggestion but make it clear the arrangements may need to be reviewed.

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 17/01/2021 19:19

I think I would want to have a (non heated) proper conversation about how long this is going to be and what plans you need to make together for your DD. On one hand he is suggesting meeting half way, so I’d say he is being reasonable. On the other hand, he is being unreasonable to make major life changes without communicating. He doesn’t need your permission but to co-parent well together you need to know what’s going on.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 17/01/2021 19:34

Can't you have hime come by and spend a night at yours (on the couch if no room) once a week to see the baby.

Arobase · 17/01/2021 19:36

The person who moves away needs to take responsibility for travelling. It's not clear whether he aims to have her for a few hours - in which case that is really far too much time for her to be spending travelling within one day; or overnight, for which I would say she is too young.

It would obviously be much better for your daughter if he travels up and spends the day in your area, and he needs to put her first.

Sittingonabench · 17/01/2021 19:38

He’s clearly struggling financially and emotionally from Covid which has meant he’s gone home. It doesn’t sound like it was motivated by wanting a change but rather that change was thrust upon him. Please be understanding of that and that he may not have all the answers you want (e.g how long will this be for? Who knows??) if he has taken on roll of parent then his need to see child should be given as much respect as any other and sometimes you need to go the extra mile. I would talk things through with him though as there seems to be some communication gaps going on which aren’t needed or helpful.

Redred2429 · 17/01/2021 19:42

Op I feel you can't force him to come back I would work with him on access

FrankButchersDickieBow · 17/01/2021 19:45

Sounds like his life has gone a bit tits up through no fault of his own.

I think meeting him half way is fair.

MinnieMD · 17/01/2021 19:46

Children have always been allowed to move between homes and travel to do so.
A friend of mine drives from Edinburgh to Newcastle every Friday and Sunday to swap over his DC, been stopped once despite Scotland being ‘closed’ and told police what he was doing and was sent on his way.
If you don’t want to be apart from DD that’s understandable but it’s not pandemic related, just be honest with him and work it out between yourselves but given his reasons for moving I think you could be a little more flexible.

thosetalesofunexpected · 17/01/2021 19:47

Hi Op
Can your child's dad come and vist you and little one often and stay over at your place often then?😕

Santaiscovidfree · 17/01/2021 19:53

Maybe the op could put up a picnic and they can all go hunting for fluffy unicorns??
Presumably your ex is a fully functioning adult?
He can make his own arrangements to see his own dc... Fuck me everyone is currently struggling in a pandemic!! The op is managing her end. He can managed his.
He has a partner too!!

Plussizejumpsuit · 17/01/2021 19:54

Is he a Co parent or a sperm donor? I really don't mean this to sound rude. But I'm asking as I think it would be helpful to know how much you were on the same page about being parents.

I mean he's fucked off to a different area so does he actually see dd as half his responsibility. I think knowing this for would be good to offer advice. But also if you don't have this clearly established you need to get this established.

MissMarpleDarling · 17/01/2021 19:58

YABU OP.

Clymene · 17/01/2021 20:03

Was this not one of the things you discussed before making this arrangement?

It really doesn't sound like he's as committed to the co parenting thing as you are because it's really not fair on a baby to spend 4 hours in a car on a regular basis unless it's necessary, quite apart from the whole lockdown thing.

saraclara · 17/01/2021 20:09

Nope. A nine month old baby doesn't bear the brunt of the full travel time. He needs to come to you, stay overnight maybe (if you're happy with that?) and then go back.

MessAllOver · 17/01/2021 20:16

She is too young to be travelling long distances frequently.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with him, so could you offer to have him to stay for occasional weekends (maybe once every month or couple of months)? And he could take over and do the bulk of the parenting while he's staying. Then maybe she could travel there occasionally as well.

ScrumptiousBears · 17/01/2021 20:17

Op if you are happy to do it there is no reason why you can't meet half way and swap and not see her overnight. Hell, at 5 weeks I went back to work in night shifts and didn't see my DD overnight, also went in residential courses. She will be with her dad. I'm not sure what all these people are staying shes too young to be away from you.

hibbledibble · 17/01/2021 20:39

Yabu, you cannot demand anything from him, especially when he doesn't have the financial means to pay for it.

He hasn't gone AWOL, but moved back with family as he has no income or other accomodation. It sounds like he is having a tough time, so don't be harsh on him.

Covid rules absolutely do allow children to see both parents, when their parents do not live together. This has always been the case, and had been made explicitly clear.

TeachesOfPeaches · 17/01/2021 20:46

What is your usual arrangement with contact? Has the baby done overnights with the dad before?

MadinMarch · 17/01/2021 20:49

So he just disappeared for almost 4 weeks out of DD's life without thinking of letting you know before now what as happening?
That doesn't sound like good quality co parenting to me!
I don't think I'd be agreeing to any ongoing contact arrangements until you can have a long and thorough conversation with him about his intentions, both in the short and long term. DD needs consistent and reliable contact that is age appropriate and with her needs at the centre of every decision.
What were the contact arrangements prior to Xmas? Did he have sole care of her when he did see her, and was it regular and planned in advance? Does he contribute financially and what was the agreement when he agreed to be the sperm donor?
You need to take some control and invite him over for the day to see DD and discuss everything while she has a nap. Unless you're very certain, don't agree to anything on the spot. Tel him you'll think about it and let him know soon what you think.

ScrapThatThen · 17/01/2021 20:53

She's too young I think. He needs to come to yours.

Beautiful3 · 17/01/2021 21:06

I personally think that it's his responsibility to visit, (he moved away) so would need to come collect and drop off from your home. I wouldn't be driving all that way to wait at a service station.

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