Co-Parent gone AWOL

[AngelDelightUK]

I haven’t hidden at all in my previous posts that my 9 month old DD’s Dad is my gay best friend. We have all been getting along brilliantly, until just before Christmas when he got told to move out by the mutual friend he’d been living with. He didn’t actually tell me this though until he’d been living in a hotel for nearly a week.

He went back to his home town, which is about 85 miles away, for Christmas, and has just dropped the bombshell he isn’t coming back. His work has totally dried up because of Covid, and he’s staying with family which I think has done him the world of good.

He hasn’t seen DD since he travelled down on Christmas Eve, because I was expecting him to be coming back soon. I was even helping him to find a new flat to rent, but this has now put a spanner in the works. I suspect that he’s got back with his ex who he did miss dreadfully but that’s another story.

Anyway, he’s now asking how we are going to sort him seeing DD, and is asking for me to drive to a service station to drop her to him, and he will do the same when he returns her. His home town is on the same motorway stretch I live on, but door to door is about 1hr 30-2hrs. He’s suggesting somewhere which is half way.

Now I’m not happy about driving DD to a service station an hour way in the middle of a pandemic. For one, I don’t overly see it as an essential journey, I do not wish to be pulled over by the police asking what I’m doing in a service station, and I don’t particularly like the idea of DD being transported between two major cities. That said, we were co-parenting, he is a good dad to her, and I’m sure he misses her loads.

AIBU to tell him to get his arse back up here, so he can spend as much time as he likes with DD, or should I drive her to another county for her to be picked up, which would lead to her driving through/too another two counties

I think people on this thread are being a bit mean to the father. He has lost his home and job and had to move back home. It's not like he's met someone and decided to move. He also sounds perfectly capable of looking after his baby overnight.

OP is her dad on the birth certificate? Because if he is, he has as much right to see your dd as yourself. I personally don't think he's being unreasonable as long as the place he is staying is safe and equipped for a baby; she used to staying out overnight with her dad; and she travels well in the car.

In better times, you would not be unreasonable to ask him to move and find work closer, but in the middle of a pandemic, I'd give him a little slack.

I agree that the Dad has had a rough time and it probably made sense to move away- but not informing the OP and now demanding that she drives so far for contact visits is unreasonable, IMO. Their child’s welfare comes first and that’s a long journey for a nine month old. I think he needs to come and visit, at least until lockdown ends and she’s abit older.

It's his responsibility to travel to you.

The baby is 9 months old! They should be with you as their primary attachment figure and he needs to come to you. If you are able to accommodate him staying with you that would be nice but otherwise he will have to make his own arrangements.

Of course its essential

I think it depends -
How well your daughter travels in the car
What his long term plans are (appreciate this may be difficult) and
How regularly he had her overnight before

If he is staying 1.5 hours away forever then he is only going to be seeing her every other weekend when she is at school which isnt much. I wouldt really want to set the precedent of driving a few hours every single weekend but wouldnt mind if it was just temporary. If he is worried about petrol costs I'd rather help him with that than haul a 9 month old about.

I wouldnt want her going to stay with him for a weekend if she has only been apart from you for a few hours in the past.

The good news is that if he is your best friend surely this makes things a bit easier? I'd be suggesting that in the interim while he gets on his feet again that he comes down to you and stays for a few days at a time and that you occasionally go and stay with him for a few days. She gets to spend time with him without separation from you and she has less travelling.

Thanks everyone, it’s been a wrought couple of days this end.

We are fully co-parents, she spent nights with him at his previous place and generally it’s split 3 days him and 4 days me. I think he was embarrassed about being evicted, that’s all I can possibly think, and it was agreed he would travel to his home town for a few days at Christmas to be with his family after their bereavement. I had no reason to think he wouldn’t be coming back, I was helping him look for flats!!

He’s anti either of us driving the whole way because of travel restrictions. DD was born about a month after the first lockdown happened but travelling between the two houses then was about a 20 minute drive.

I want to see him as much as I want him to see DD. He has FaceTimed her a lot whilst he’s been away because then she can see her granny, aunt, uncle and cousin too. They are all desperate to see her which doesn’t help, but if DD does go down then she will be staying with her Dad, Aunt, Uncle and Cousin. So I know Granny is going to want to see her too as she won’t grasp that she can’t when the others have.

We have had a couple of heated discussions, I feel a bit duped because when we agreed to have DD we discuss him living up here and he said he was here to stay.

It’s all a bit of a mess really. I’m actually going more towards taking her the whole way down there and seeing if any hotels are open at all and I’ll stay down for a couple of days then bring her back

Oh and he is on her birth certificate, she has his surname, and he does absolutely adore her. I do think that he just had so much go on at the same time he almost had a mini breakdown. Which obviously I want to help him with, but I just can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment

Will your DD sit happily in the car for two hours ? My 1 year old might sleep part of it if timed correctly but swapping cars would wake her and then she's not like another hour.

Very tricky situation, but how will you work it with nursery/ preschool etc you need to think this two area life through for the future.

The maximum a baby should be in a car seat is 2 hours. He has changed the parameters of your agreement and wants to put your baby's health and wellbeing at risk.

He is no better than any other bloke who has a baby and buggers off I'm afraid. It's not up to you to facilitate him seeing his child, it's up to him. Why can't he come to you?

Your child is far too young for that sort of arrangement. Child contact should mean the child's best interests are prioritised, not the adult's. He needs to come to you or you meet somewhere half way between and he spends time with her there.

She's a baby at 9 months old and may be very distressed to be away from their main care provider overnight.

I've just seen that you already split your child between you, so that boat has sailed. Not what most people would have done. She's not a toy.

@Clymene

The maximum a baby should be in a car seat is 2 hours. He has changed the parameters of your agreement and wants to put your baby's health and wellbeing at risk.

He is no better than any other bloke who has a baby and buggers off I'm afraid. It's not up to you to facilitate him seeing his child, it's up to him. Why can't he come to you?

You’re just being nasty now. He has lost his job, been evicted and had to go back to his family. The parameters of the ‘agreement’ have changed because of unforeseen circumstances! I’m guessing you hold a very dim view of men. All children deserve to have a relationship with both parents, and its up to BOTH parents to ensure this happens as much as possible.

OP, I would try to persuade him that you each do the full journey one way initially.

@knittingaddict

Your child is far too young for that sort of arrangement. Child contact should mean the child's best interests are prioritised, not the adult's. He needs to come to you or you meet somewhere half way between and he spends time with her there.

She's a baby at 9 months old and may be very distressed to be away from their main care provider overnight.

Have you not read what she wrote? The baby is used to being with her father 3 nights a week. He’s not some bloke who passes by once in a while. The arrangements that have been in place so far should, where possible, continue FOR THE BABYs SAKE. Which means the father has her 3 nights.

@knittingaddict

I've just seen that you already split your child between you, so that boat has sailed. Not what most people would have done. She's not a toy.

She’s a baby with 2 parents who love her and are perfectly capable of taking care of her. There are many mothers who posts on here about how crap their partners are at being a parent, would you think its OK though as long as they lived together? There are many different types of family. Mum, dad and 2.2 kids isn’t the norm anymore!

The pandemic will end but for now I would just arrange one meeting a fortnight at a location you can spend 2-3 hours at midway. Kids can see their parents, it's within the rules and on a practical note it will ensure your battery charges properly etc

It is really shitty for you but I think you need to forgive him moving back home and just try to make the best of it. None of us factored a pandemic, and work going tits up, and eviction into our plans.

Your baby will be fine. She is clearly surrounded by lots of people who love her. Personally I wouldn't do the service station thing just for the sake of covid, only if it is the best way to deal with the driving. And I am not sure it would be mentally healthy for you to spend 2 nights a week camped out in a hotel purely to enable DD's dad to have her. You are equal adults, your time is worth more than that.

Maybe it would help to just try and come up with a short term solution for now. You don't have to plan out her whole future. Just sort out what you'll do between now and say the end of Feb, and agree that you will review it then and not take the short term, lockdown arrangement as precedent for the longer term.

Why did you give the baby his surname?
Tbh if you've already been sharing 3/4 days per week, why not see if you could do whole weeks alternated?

Depending on your own financial circs, I'd be miffed at having to drive any extra distance to drop her anywhere - but you'll have to decide that for yourself.

i think i would go with sharing the travel in the short term, you're allowed to travel if children are being passed between separated parents.

He obviously went through a lot, he's done the work to maintain contact while he's been living away.

At the moment it just seems you're pissed off because he's staying there where he has some financial help, rather than putting himself at risk of getting into money trouble by moving back closer to you.

Agree to these arrangements in the short term, see how well they work for the 3 of you, ask him to make sure he follows bubble/social distancing/mixing rules with her, so no-one outside his immediate household to meet her, and review in a couple of months.

Don't deny your DD her dad just because you're a bit annoyed about him making a choice that best for him financially/mentally right now.

@AngelDelightUK

Thanks everyone, it’s been a wrought couple of days this end.

We are fully co-parents, she spent nights with him at his previous place and generally it’s split 3 days him and 4 days me. I think he was embarrassed about being evicted, that’s all I can possibly think, and it was agreed he would travel to his home town for a few days at Christmas to be with his family after their bereavement. I had no reason to think he wouldn’t be coming back, I was helping him look for flats!!

He’s anti either of us driving the whole way because of travel restrictions. DD was born about a month after the first lockdown happened but travelling between the two houses then was about a 20 minute drive.

I want to see him as much as I want him to see DD. He has FaceTimed her a lot whilst he’s been away because then she can see her granny, aunt, uncle and cousin too. They are all desperate to see her which doesn’t help, but if DD does go down then she will be staying with her Dad, Aunt, Uncle and Cousin. So I know Granny is going to want to see her too as she won’t grasp that she can’t when the others have.

We have had a couple of heated discussions, I feel a bit duped because when we agreed to have DD we discuss him living up here and he said he was here to stay.

It’s all a bit of a mess really. I’m actually going more towards taking her the whole way down there and seeing if any hotels are open at all and I’ll stay down for a couple of days then bring her back

How has he duped you? By organising a pandemic and recession and loosing his work and being evicted? Come on...

Shit has hit the fan and the best thing for your daughter is to keep that routine. She already have split care with her dad - the car journey isn't ideal but it's going to have to be what happens. You going to stay in a hotel for a few days is pointless - what purpose would it serve other than putting you at risk of contracting COVID and wasting a load of cash?

Meet him half way, metaphorically and physically.

I'd drive half way and meet him esp since he has her for three days. It's not ideal but this happens when you co parent. Peoples lives change.

He IS her main carer, as much as OP is.

OP, stop thinking about yourself so much. You can't tell him to move back, and you can't keep his child from him. Compromise.

It's a pity he's changed his mind about where to live but realistically, over 18 years it's very unlikely that what you agreed at the beginning would apply for the entire life of your child. It also sounds like he's going through some stuff and is struggling but still making the effort to see his child so I'd say he's providing to be a pretty good dad.

She's quite young for a long drive and then staying elsewhere, but if she's to being with him then I'd say that driving isn't such a big deal. Arguably, it's up to him to come to you but I'd be inclined to meet him half way as per his suggestion if only because it means she gets a break in the middle of the drive and he's not driving 4 hours etc (he is your friend after all). From a COVID point of view, I don't think this is an issue as children have always been allowed to move betweeen parents.

I have to admit, and it's a separate issue, I am confused as to why you gave her his name? It's fascinating to me that these patriarchal traditions persist even in the case of a very non-traditional set up.

Why are men allowed to move away from their kids? Imagine if a mum just moved back to her home town, it would cause murder. I’d say that she’s too young to be here there and everywhere and he needs to come back to where his child is and crack on.

She's too young for any sort of arrangement like that. Babies should be with their primary carer most of the time. You need to choose who that itls. 50/50 is really not fun and she's far too young.

He's not even seen her for a month, no way would I be leaving her. They change so much when they're that age, how would you keep consistant routines?

Also why on earth would you give her his surname? Was the plan for her to live with him mostly?