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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I just leave grandson with his mum?

63 replies

Oilyvoir · 17/01/2021 18:08

I have a Child Arrangement Order with residency for my grandson (5). His mum DD still has PR. We are in a support bubble together. GS sees his mum most days. DD is in a volatile relationship with someone who is not GSs dad. I (but not courts) have said GS cannot be at mums house if partner is there. Partner is kind to GS and they have a good relationship but police have been called many times about their volatile relationship - 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Their 3 year old daughter who lives with DD has spent time in care and currently on CIN plan because of it.

Anyway Friday evening DD assured me partner was not there and it was fine for GS to stay over. I found out the next morning that he had been there with them over night. Today we have all spent the day at DDs home but things are once again rocky with partner. DD has been on edge all day and screamed at GS. I said we would go home but she has refused to let him go. I have come home after an ear bashing. GS wants to be with his mum and wouldn't come with me. I am worried that partner might come over and there will be a scene although it's just as likely he will stay away (which is what is annoying dd). I know this all sounds rather chaotic and the reason we don't have a proper contact arrangement in place is because when I got the Child Arrangement Order, DD was living with me.

So what can I do?

OP posts:

percypetulant · 17/01/2021 20:50

@passwordoverridden I imagine OP started it as a short hand to explain her DD has had a difficult life, and has experienced trauma, which may explain her behaviour. Yes, some adopted children aren't traumatised, but they're the minority. Picking on OP for mentioning it, isn't helpful.

percypetulant · 17/01/2021 20:51

Stated, sorry, not started.

Viviennemary · 17/01/2021 20:52

I think it's really worrying your DD lied to you. If you are at all worried about your grandsons safety you should contact the police for advice. Better safe than sorry.,

OverByYer · 17/01/2021 20:59

I’m not sure that the Police can return him if you both have PR and if he is not at immediate risk of harm when they get to the address. I thinks you may need to consider an SGO so you have overriding PR.

changedmynamelol · 17/01/2021 21:10

Can the police return the boy to you if your dd bf is not there and she also has pr? If the bf isn't there then the boy can stay with mum?

FairyontopofthetreeBatman · 17/01/2021 21:28

Glad you are getting him safely home.

If you DD lied to you it might be time to think about an SGO as a next step to keep him safe. It will also mean that should she start trying to alienate you, you’d still be able to act in DGS best interests as you’d have over-riding PR.

Rachie1973 · 17/01/2021 21:39

I have an SGO because I needed to know this couldn’t happen to me.

The problem with joint PR is that one doesn’t over ride the other. If the arrangement is not stating whether the child can stay at his mothers and is an unofficial agreement you simply have a 50/50 chance that the police will return him tonight.

Kent1982 · 17/01/2021 22:10

Prohibited steps order. Ring social services as well they might be able to advise of a alternate, route given they must already have concerns. I had to pay for one privately as Dv in my ex partner, child's fathers house. To my knowledge only one incident was reported to police but courts granted me the order to make sure the child never experiences or sees dv

Original poster

Oilyvoir · 17/01/2021 22:43

Whilst waiting for the police, I got a call from DD asking me to come and get him as he was refusing to go to bed! So he is back home and fast asleep. Thank you for all your thoughts and advice. I really need to do some serious thinking about where to go from here.

OP posts:

OverByYer · 17/01/2021 22:48

Aw glad that he’s home but definitely get further advice from SSD and solicitor

Nanny0gg · 17/01/2021 23:27

@Oilyvoir

It's younger DD on CIN plan - GSs case was closed when I was granted CAO with residency 3 years ago. He's lived with me all of his life as DD was living here when GS was born.

So why is she left with your DD but your DGS isn't?

Surely it's not the best place for her either?

I confess to not understanding the 'system'.

percypetulant · 18/01/2021 08:45

@oilyvoir A less traumatic outcome, excellent. What a stress for you. It does sound like you need something more formal in place with both kids, so difficult.

passwordoverridden · 18/01/2021 20:37

[quote percypetulant]@passwordoverridden I imagine OP started it as a short hand to explain her DD has had a difficult life, and has experienced trauma, which may explain her behaviour. Yes, some adopted children aren't traumatised, but they're the minority. Picking on OP for mentioning it, isn't helpful.[/quote]
My post was not unhelpful, and it was not picking on anyone.

A difficult past and trauma does not automatically lead to volatile behaviour.

The last thing anyone wants is for the young children to end up volatile too.

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