Do I just leave grandson with his mum?

[Oilyvoir]

I have a Child Arrangement Order with residency for my grandson (5). His mum DD still has PR. We are in a support bubble together. GS sees his mum most days. DD is in a volatile relationship with someone who is not GSs dad. I (but not courts) have said GS cannot be at mums house if partner is there. Partner is kind to GS and they have a good relationship but police have been called many times about their volatile relationship - 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Their 3 year old daughter who lives with DD has spent time in care and currently on CIN plan because of it.

Anyway Friday evening DD assured me partner was not there and it was fine for GS to stay over. I found out the next morning that he had been there with them over night. Today we have all spent the day at DDs home but things are once again rocky with partner. DD has been on edge all day and screamed at GS. I said we would go home but she has refused to let him go. I have come home after an ear bashing. GS wants to be with his mum and wouldn't come with me. I am worried that partner might come over and there will be a scene although it's just as likely he will stay away (which is what is annoying dd). I know this all sounds rather chaotic and the reason we don't have a proper contact arrangement in place is because when I got the Child Arrangement Order, DD was living with me.

So what can I do?

Hope he is home now. Sounds like you did the safest thing in the circumstances. I feel for their DD who doesn’t have this safety net but sounds like she is unlikely to be in their care long term.

You’re a great GM to this little boy, he’s lucky to have you

Awww thanks everyone for your lovely supportive messages. I doesn't feel like I'm doing anything amazing - it's just life. Many adopters refer to parenting our kids as 'extreme parenting' and it is but once you've lived it for a while, it all just becomes normal!

Do you and your DD have PR over your grandson?

Russell19 yes

Those poor kids hope your gs arrives safe and sound

You've done the right thing in calling the police, op. You have residence and PR for him for good reason.

I'm sorry your DD doesn't see this right now.

Thank goodness your DGS does have you looking out for him. I wonder how long before DGD ends up spending extended time with you?

I think you need to start refusing to send him more often if the risk is there. The CIN situation with your DGD is only likely to accelerate as they are clearly not modifying their behaviour of cooling a clearly volatile relationship. I would make sure you are lifting your DGS well clear of the friction before SS inevitably scale up their involvement.

Do not be swayed by your DD on this. Witnessing DV/DA is emotional harm and now it is deemed as serious harm. Never leave without him again

This. Absolutely this.

You did the right thing... your GS is lucky having you in his life 🌺💕

Hope he's back at yours soon OP. You've done the right thing.

Youve done the right thing OP. Hope he’s home safe soon.

Well done, hope he is happy on return. Would you be willing and able to do similar for dgd if it came to it? Sounds like a very difficult situation.

thank goodness he has you looking out for him!

@Oilyvoir a side note - but an SGO would not strip your DD of PR - only adoption would do that.

An SGO gives you "over riding" PR rather than the current equal PR of a CAO - so if you and DD disagreed, for example, on whether you could take DGS abroad for two weeks on holiday, or what school to send him to, or most other issues, you can over ride her. There are a handful of other issues you can't override her on - taking him overseas for longer than three months, and changing his name are the two I am aware of off the top of my head.

It sounds as though an SGO could be a helpful step for you. They were created as an equivalent/alternative to adoption, that doesn't sever mums PR or take that identity away from DGS, but that does give him the security and permanency CAO often isn't sufficient for.

You shouldn't have left him there.

In future don't let him stay there overnight.

You said your DD was volatile and you then said she was adopted when 7 almost as though that was a reason. It isn't. There are many adopted people who were adopted at an older age who are not volatile and there is help your DD could get to help her not be volatile and to make good choices, can you look into that for the sake of both children?

@Oilyvoir hope he's home safely soon.

Does your dd allow you to have your GD overnight? I wonder could she come too?

Is there anything you can do for her?

What a sad situation :( that is what is so pernicious about the cycle of abuse, the endagerment of a child is so visceral that I feel so coldly toward your DD for not caring for and protecting her own children, but then she was an abused ir neglected child herself and this is the mark it leaves.

So sad. I do agree that although it's difficult emotionally, you must dettach yourself from your DD when it comes to safeguarding your DGS. If this fails to be done then surely it could be percieved that he needs to be placed with a separate fosterer with no family ties, as it's too hard to go against the wishes of his mum for you as her parent. Nobody wants that, it's so important that the cycle ends and the poor boy is protected as much as possible for thr influence of his inadequate mother and her abusive partner.

Came on to say the same as @Gladly. Worth having as it means you get to make the overriding decision on things like which school etc. It doesn't remove your daughter's PR, just strengthens yours. You also can have a SGO assessment for whether there is any support you/grandchild need each year if you want it.

Oh yes and my partner was adopted at thay age by an abusive foster carer to boot and while he has his demons he is not volatile or abusive in any way, if anything it makes him value our children more so please don't feel there is justification for her behaviour. Not that there aren't reasons, but the excuses don't excuse.

Passwordoverridden - that’s a very judgemental post. You have absolutely no idea what the OP’s DD went through before adoption. One adopted person does not equal another and you can not judge one person by another’s behaviour.

OP - has the mother and grandmother I will assume you know the situation best. You were clearly worried so calling police to get grandson back home was the best thing. Hope he is safe and sound back home now.

@Oilyvoir I’m glad they are returning him. You sound like a really lovely mum and grandma.