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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To question him doing the same as his last relationship

31 replies

Rosieblue22 · 17/01/2021 08:04

I understand we speak how we speak. Accents and where we are from often are where we get certain sayings, words and pet names from. Also personality wise. We will see things how we see them. We are who we are.

But I made the mistake last night of looking through my boyfriends ex's page. We've all been there I bet. It seems locked down now. But it was open throughout their relationship. I ended up scrolling through and realising he calls me the same nicknames. He says the same sentances when saying he loves me. He calls us both his world in the same way. She's written a status saying how he treats her like a gentleman. Walks roadside and carries heavy bags. Opens heavy doors. Which he does. He said his mum raised him as a single mum and always told him to treat women properly. He said he remembers how it upset him how his dad treated her and has always remembered her words.

He occasionally sends a thoughtful gift to me. He doesn't like Christmas etc and says he likes sending gifts naturally when he sees something to make a person happy. I can see he did the same for his ex. She's shared a few of the random treats she received and I then stupidly read the comments under the photo of him saying lovely things exactly how he does to me.

It's my own fault for snooping. It felt weird seeing his old life like that. But I don't feel I'm doing anything like my past relationships. Absolutely nothing feels the same as they are different men.

So out of curiosity has anyone felt they are being treated exactly like the ex?

Nice replies please. I know I've been nosey but I would appreciate experiences.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 17/01/2021 08:14

I got his recycled engagement ring if that counts. Ever practical. 😂

If you mean he treated his previous partner well, was loving and generous, and now he's with you, he treats you well and is loving and generous then surely that's a good thing?

If it bothers you and you are unable to let it go then don't keep it to yourself. Talk to him about it. He probably doesn't even realise. I'm sure he'll understand if you don't want to be called by the same affectionate nicknames.

HomeTheatreSystem · 17/01/2021 08:17

Your partner is still the same person as he was when he was with his ex though. Why would he do things differently to how he's always done them? It's not as if these behaviours are negative and need modifying. I guess this has made you feel not that special to him but I think it's a somewhat superficial metric by which to judge what you mean to him. Not worth the headspace IMO.

Macncheeseballs · 17/01/2021 08:20

'Weve all been there I bet', never done this, but I guess this is a consequence of people putting their relationships on line

FutureDuchessofHastings · 17/01/2021 08:21

Your boyfriend treats you how he naturally treats people he loves. Would you rather he put on an act around you and like a completely different person?

PicaK · 17/01/2021 08:23

Flowers what is it that you're really worrying about here? That nothing he says is true because he's said it to someone else?
So you feel vulnerable because you feel so much for him but think he doesn't because he's using same words.
You might be right. Or he loved her and you're in love for the first time.
I'm torn between thinking you're over reacting but actually really getting it.
I think you're right that phrases can be like accents. If your family doesn't say things like "you're my world" then to you the words will be new and fresh but to him just another way of saying I love you
I wouldn't worry. He sounds nice and decent. So he doesn't just carry shopping for you. Sometimes it's the general every day behaviour to everyone that's how people show their worth.
Very gently - you seem to have some self esteem issues making you come across as possessive and needy. But I don't think you are. Take some time to explore that - maybe a bit of counselling to understand why it's made you feel so insecure.

Rosieblue22 · 17/01/2021 08:24

Thank you. I wanted your opinions as I didn't know. It's hard to see his past online. I didn't really know which way to feel. I still feel special. But I wanted to ask how others saw it.

OP posts:
Rosieblue22 · 17/01/2021 08:28

Thank you. I know she was the love of his life and I think I feel it seeing the past online. I'm not putting myself down. I know he's lucky to have me the same as I am lucky to have him. I don't think I'm ugly. But I do see Ways she's more attractive in my view. She gets her nails done and tans. Smaller nose than me. I just pick at myself but I know it's wasted energy.

OP posts:
TheListeners · 17/01/2021 08:29

I'm a bit surprised you expected him to be different with you. It's like those women who think they can change a 'bad boy'. Did you think you were so special that he would treat you differently?

He sounds like a lovely partner. If he had treated his ex badly chances are you wouldn't be with him because you would have recognised the red flags and dumped him or never even got into a relationship with him. Stop looking at social media and count yourself lucky he's with you.

HappyFlamingo · 17/01/2021 08:29

Your boyfriend sounds like a nice bloke who treats women well. That's a good thing! He's also maybe a bit unoriginal, but we can't all be Shakespeare.

The only thing that would really bother me is if he had a particular cute nickname for me (not a generic word like sweetheart) and he'd had the same one for her. I must say I'd be gutted about that.

HappyFlamingo · 17/01/2021 08:30

Smaller nose than you! Oh OP. I think maybe you need to work on your self esteem. I mean we all tend to compare but that is truly a tiny thing to let bother you.

Rosieblue22 · 17/01/2021 08:36

He calls me sweetheart. But they called eachother it all the time. So I kinda feel like it's their word.

OP posts:
Terracottasaur · 17/01/2021 08:38

It sounds like he’s a decent man who treats his partners well. There’s not much to complain about in that!

HappyFlamingo · 17/01/2021 08:46

Sweetheart isn't their word, it's just a word. I call me DH sweetheart and I used to call my ex it too. I loved my ex then and I love my DH now Smile

seriousandloyal · 17/01/2021 08:46

He sounds lovely OP! Why would he change his entire personality and vocabulary with a new relationship? That would be much more worrying! I think the problem is that you are comparing yourself to his ex-girlfriend and feeling insecure. Try not to do this, he has chosen to be with you so enjoy your relationship with this man who sounds kind and thoughtful.

villamariavintrapp · 17/01/2021 08:48

It's not 'their' word if it's a generic word like sweetheart. I could understand if it was something you thought was specifically 'yours' like snookum pookie cuddle muffin.. but then you'd have bigger problems really.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 17/01/2021 08:51

@villamariavintrapp

It's not 'their' word if it's a generic word like sweetheart. I could understand if it was something you thought was specifically 'yours' like snookum pookie cuddle muffin.. but then you'd have bigger problems really.
GrinGrinGrinGrin
HighSpecWhistle · 17/01/2021 08:53

He sounds like a really nice guy - a good catch.

You can analyse everything and potentially ruin what is a healthy relationship. Or you can decide that you're good enough and enjoy the ride.

You sound unhappy. If that's the case, try working on yourself. He's done nothing wrong by being a good guy past and present.

FutureDuchessofHastings · 17/01/2021 08:55

There are limited words he could use, surely? That's how language works. It's common between people from the same area and generally has a common meaning. Would you rather he made up a word to use for you?

Cloudfrost · 17/01/2021 08:55

in the nicest way possible i think you are insecure and its something you need to deal with, as he sounds like a lovely person. you would have a point if he called u both some unique nickname, but sweetheart is a very popular general word of endearment

Dixiechickonhols · 17/01/2021 08:57

I think you are overthinking. All the things mentioned are lovely but generic. If he always got ex 5 yellow roses and a pink one but now does same with you odd if he got you both flowers not odd. Name thing too - sweetheart, my world are just generic. If he’s calling you her specific nickname mollymoo when you aren’t called molly it’s odd.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 17/01/2021 09:00

My ex husband once serenaded me to the tune of ‘oh Carole’, but using my name.

Would you like to guess what his ex wife’s name was...?

SparklePiggy · 17/01/2021 09:01

Why did they split up? If you refer to her as the love of his life.

VettiyaIruken · 17/01/2021 09:01

The word is sweetheart?

Sweetheart is one of the most used words between people in relationships.
It isn't 'their' word. It's a universal relationship word.

Flowers they are no longer together for a reason. Try to work on your insecurities.

HugeAckmansWife · 17/01/2021 09:03

What everyone else said.. I did take quite a lot of pleasure in telling my now ex's other woman that the ardent passionate messages he was sending her were the same he'd sent to me but other than that, he's not doing anything wrong.
I have a couple of very favourite places, restaurants etc that I visited with ex. I'm not not going to ever go to them again because of that. My current partner took me there because its my favourite place and doesn't care that I went with ex.

whoamongstus · 17/01/2021 09:04

You're overthinking this OP. He just treats women well - calling you sweetheart, buying gifts and opening doors for you aren't special personalised traditions to one relationship, he's just nice.

If it helps, I'm very very similar in every relationship I've ever been in - I must have a particular pattern for how I love someone ha!

If sounds like you're insecure, specifically about her and in yourself more generally. Comparing your nose to hers will get you absolutely nowhere - is he likely to be looking at you thinking "well, ex's nose was smaller but OP will do... Despite all her other excellent qualities it's really the nose that I have to compromise on"? He's not. I promise. See if you can work on that, because it will free you from this kind of agonising worrying over stuff. It's hard but it's worth it!

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