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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let this upset me so much.

41 replies

hop27 · 17/01/2021 07:25

3 rounds of IVF, all failed. Currently in forced menopause prior to round 4 (potentially final). Went out for a very close friend's birthday yesterday (new mum), it was organised by her oldest friend (also new mum) who normally lives overseas but is home because of the baby, so I don't know her well at all. All other attendees at the party I know, but not close (all are mums) Every single conversation was about being a mum ....... how hard it is ...... how amazing it is ....... let me show you pictures of my baby ....... if I could give you one piece of advice it would be not to have them .... just baby centred. I hardly said 2 words the whole afternoon and no-one really bothered to include me in the conversation. Today I just feel shit, cried in the car outside the supermarket. Then to add insult to injury, my DSS (13) made a 'harmless' remark durning a discussion with with DH and I, that 'well technically speaking you aren't a parent. I was tempted to drive my car into a wall on the way home. AIBU to let this upset me so much? I'm just sick of feeling like this, I literally have no resilience left.

(In a part of the world not in lockdown)

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 17/01/2021 07:31

Oh dear. Poor you. What a tough weekend. Well done for getting through it. You are going through a very difficult time. Be kind to yourself. Can you do something nice just for you today?

Henrysmycat · 17/01/2021 07:31

I haven’t got an my experience in what you are feeling but I’d like to send you a hug and handhold.
Like I said, I have no experience but do you think doing something different to take your mind off might help?
Also, teens have a way of saying the most insane garbage, I would discount DSS passing comment. Flowers

Oysterbabe · 17/01/2021 07:33

Yanbu OP, it must be incredibly hard for you. It's normal to cry and feel desperately sad about your situation, anyone would be the same.
That said, it's completely unsurprising that the conversation was all babies. When you're a new mum, and especially in a pandemic, they are all consuming and there's really nothing else going on in your life.

Sethy38 · 17/01/2021 07:34

Did you tell them what you’re going through?

Pleaseaddcaffine · 17/01/2021 07:38

Op I know it doesn't feel that ws as it shit but it isn't aimed at you. At 13 your stepson will say way worse than that as teenagers re a delight.
My sister is in the same boat as you and its horrific, truely it is. She is now choosing to dopt but that is er choxie and not one everyone feels is right for them.
I'm very sorry your having such a hard time

EnjoyingTheSilence · 17/01/2021 07:38

Not unreasonable at all. You did amazingly well to get through yesterday and recognise your dss comment was not malicious.

As pp have said, do something nice for you today. Can you talk to anyone in rl?

pepsicolagirl · 17/01/2021 07:38

Dss is 13 and I highly highly doubt what he said was done with malicious intent. Someone of 13 would not usually understand how hurtful a remarkable like that would be.

I'm sorry about the party, it sounds like that was reay tough on you. They are new mums in the bubble and probably haven't shifted focus from their babies at all so it's unsurprising that that was where the conversation was aimed. Not nice for you but also not really their fault either. Can you talk to your OH about how you feel? Your Mum? Sister?

pepsicolagirl · 17/01/2021 07:40

You're on round 4 of IVF and going through some major hormonal messing around. It is not surprising that you don't feel like you've much left in the pot. It will refill though x

ellesbellesxxx · 17/01/2021 07:42

💐
People can be really insensitive and brutal.
I found downregging tougher than the stimms in terms of how I felt physically too so I remember feeling exhausted and teary constantly... so what you needed was tlc 💐

Yanbu to be upset but you saying about driving into a wall concerns me. Is it worth getting in touch with your clinic’s counselling service?
Xx

Retrogal · 17/01/2021 07:43

I would have found that situation incredibly difficult too. I think I would politely decline the invite in the future and maybe meet them 1-2-1 - new mums can be very full on with the ''my baby did this' talk.
Ignore DSS.

PurpleFlower1983 · 17/01/2021 07:44

Do your friends know what you are going through? If so they acted very insensitively! If not, it may be best for you to politely distance yourself from them for a while while you deal with what must be an awful time. Flowers

pasturesgreen · 17/01/2021 07:47

I'm so sorry, OP Flowers

Does your friend whose birthday you were celebrating know what you're going through? If she does, pretty shitty on her part to not have shown some sensitivity and not have included you in conversation and/or steered it somewhat towards other subjects.

RuggeryBuggery · 17/01/2021 07:48

That sounds realy hard and I’m not at all surprised it’s upset you.
It’s insensitive of your friends and even if they don’t know what you’re going through, pretty rude.
New parenthood can be very all consuming and people can become absorbed by it especially at the beginning.
Agreed that you DSSs comment must have hurt but doesn’t sound like he would have meant it to.

RuggeryBuggery · 17/01/2021 07:49

Agree with going easy on yourself and making polite excuses not to hang out with absorbed new parents at the moment

AnyTimeSoon · 17/01/2021 07:53

I'm so sorry op. Going though this infertility journey is something so painful and until you go through it yourself, it can be very lonely too. I remember when we were going through it and met with a group of friends. I got there and realised every single one of the ladies sat at the table was pregnant and that dominated the conversation. I was devastated and barely held it together. My dh made some excuses and we left early and I burst into tears in the parking lot.

Your body, mind and soul is going through something heavy and emotional right now. Take some time out for yourself. If it means avoiding the new mums so as not to upset yourself then do that.

Your dss needs to be pulled up on that comment. That really was a mean thing to say, not just a harmless comment.

Sending massive hugs. 🌷

Eminado · 17/01/2021 07:57
Flowers
Astormofswords · 17/01/2021 08:04

Ohhhhh sweetie this is awful! You are not being unreasonable at all. If you haven’t consumed aleast one massive bar of chocolate I would be impressed.

I’m hoping the ladies in question don’t know about your ivf treatment and just in their baby bubble. If they do know about it, maybe it’s time to step back for a while for your own mental health. For step son he won’t have understood how hurtful that comment is but definitely worth a conversation to explain your feelings.

I wish you the very best for your next round of ivf sending good luck baby vibes your way!

Worldwide2 · 17/01/2021 08:14

You have every right to feel hurt and upset. It must have been unbearable listening to all of that.
My advice would be to distance yourself from any new mum for now as you need to protect yourself and build yourself up. It's a very emotional and sensitive time for you especially with your hormones being tampered with.
Is there any friends that don't have babies or have older children who you can just chat about other things with? Or have a day out with you and your partner and just really treat yourself? I know not much going on with covid atm
Maybe a day of doing all things you love and relax.
It's a time that you do need to sit and process your emotions and everything will be very raw for you.
Sending you 💐

Original poster
hop27 · 17/01/2021 08:17

My friend and one other attendee knows what is going on. But not the host.

OP posts:
Aneley · 17/01/2021 08:29

I am very sorry you're going through this. I've been there during the long seven years of IVFs, hormones, IUIs etc. It hurts, badly. So, YANBU to be upset.

The best advice I can give you is to go easy on yourself. Take a day or, if you can, an entire weekend of indulgence. Plan in advance - that way you get the pleasure of looking forward to it too. Ideally, include partner in it as it will bring you closer. And make it a 'no baby talk' rule for that time. Do the things that are YOU whatever that may be.

One of the unintended consequences of experiences like this is that it can make you feel incomplete, unworthy... like you, just as you are, are not enough. Like you need to be a mother to be complete or recognized as such. And that is NOT TRUE. So, remind yourself of all the good things that are YOU and that you enjoy doing.

AutumnVibes · 17/01/2021 08:34

I’ve been in your shoes and it is utterly shit. Sending you all the positive feelings I can. All I can share is that I also found the down regging, enforced menopause as you put it, easily the worst part of the whole thing, it really made me much much more miserable and volatile.
Also, when I was approaching my second round of ivf I felt slightly stronger and started to mention it to a couple more people. I had a friend I was due to meet up with to go out for a pizza. I suggested that my husband would give us a lift so we could have a glass of wine. She told me, by text, that she was pregnant again with her third and I just told her that actually I was going to take a rain check. I explained that she hadn’t done anything wrong at all and I wished her every happiness and good luck etc, but that for me, I just needed to avoid things that might be upsetting for me. I felt a huge relief after that. I didn’t manage it for all my friends, I still have one that I feel a bit guilty about because I couldn’t have that open conversation and feel that I was just a bit cold. I know she knows why but I’m ashamed that I’ve never been able to tackle it.
I think I also felt that I could be happier or find it easier to be around people who were pregnant/had babies when I knew they’d had a struggle too, of whatever kind. I think I just couldn’t stomach friends who had it easy, they feel like they were on a different planet.
Anyway, good luck with this round, I really hope it goes well for you, d

Loubylou79 · 17/01/2021 08:39

That must have been so hard for you. I think new mothers particularly are consumed by their baby, as at that point in time it is their whole world. Looking after their baby is their daily life. I think sometimes it is hard to remember that not everyone is at this stage also and it was insensitive of them. However I think if they knew how they had upset you they would be mortified. Good luck on your next IVF round

Mummadeeze · 17/01/2021 08:45

That party sounds so awful and boring, I can not stand going to events where everyone talks about their children even though I do have one. I really feel for you and it was insensitive of your friends who know about your IVF to not have started other conversations and included you in them. Sorry you are going through a hard time.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/01/2021 08:49

It’s shit. 💐 And I wish you all the very best for the next round. 💐

CheetasOnFajitas · 17/01/2021 08:52

However I think if they knew how they had upset you they would be mortified.

Two of them knew what OP was going through. How insensitive would they have to be not to realise that constant baby conversation would upset her?! They didn’t give a shit. However it would not have been possible or practical to expect them not to talk about their babies when two of them were new mums who hadn’t seen each other in a while (maybe since babies born?)

OP, I have also been in your position going through IVF while all and sundry were popping out babies around me. The only solution I’m afraid is to avoid seeing them unless you feel strong enough to let it wash over you. That may be never and if, so, it is nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope that it works for you this time. Good luck.

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