To let this upset me so much.

[hop27]

3 rounds of IVF, all failed. Currently in forced menopause prior to round 4 (potentially final). Went out for a very close friend's birthday yesterday (new mum), it was organised by her oldest friend (also new mum) who normally lives overseas but is home because of the baby, so I don't know her well at all. All other attendees at the party I know, but not close (all are mums) Every single conversation was about being a mum ....... how hard it is ...... how amazing it is ....... let me show you pictures of my baby ....... if I could give you one piece of advice it would be not to have them .... just baby centred. I hardly said 2 words the whole afternoon and no-one really bothered to include me in the conversation. Today I just feel shit, cried in the car outside the supermarket. Then to add insult to injury, my DSS (13) made a 'harmless' remark durning a discussion with with DH and I, that 'well technically speaking you aren't a parent. I was tempted to drive my car into a wall on the way home. AIBU to let this upset me so much? I'm just sick of feeling like this, I literally have no resilience left.

(In a part of the world not in lockdown)

Bless you darling ❤️ YANBU at all xxx

I'm shuddering remembering times I felt just like that.
It is fucking shit.
The hormones, the sadness, the total life overwhelm. Just horrible at times.

Yanbu to be upset. Not at all.
Cry. Rage at your mates. It's not fair. It's really not.
However. And I can tell you know this. Those people really didn't do anything wrong. Don't rage at them. I did and the repercussions lasted years - it took me about 6 years each time to look at it objectively. I regret that now.
It might not be much comfort but this nasty horrible process will make you more empathetic, more aware of how words can cut deep without that intention. How people can suffer in silence etc etc etc. It bumps you onto a different path.
Take care of yourself.

Sadly, this was to be expected of the birthday girl is a new mum and the others attending also parents. It binds them and bonds them.

Sadly the infertility journey is really hard and these occasions will appear to happen more and more, until your journey ends...

I don't think m your dss would have meant any harm. He's very young and probably just trying to be cheeky. I don't have any step children but imagine it must be hard to try con parenting one with the biological parents.
As for your friend and that experience you should talk to her about it. Maybe she doesn't realise how upset you are atm.

@changedmynamelol

I don't think m your dss would have meant any harm. He's very young and probably just trying to be cheeky. I don't have any step children but imagine it must be hard to try con parenting one with the biological parents. As for your friend and that experience you should talk to her about it. Maybe she doesn't realise how upset you are atm.

Co parenting not con

I'm so sorry for what youre going through OP and I really hope you can have some success with round 4.

That said, I dont agree with the others that you can police a group of people's conversations. You cant expect the two people that were there to stop all the others talking about their babies, thats juts not fair. I find it hard when people talk about their mums because I lost mine when young. But I cannot expect others to never mention theirs because thats just unreasonable even though at times it feels like a knife through my heart. Now ive lost my dad too so talk of parents and how annoying they are for shining so often etc makes me want to scream as I have no family left now.

When it gets too much, its my responsibility to look after my emotions and remove myself from situations that are causing me pain. I cannot expect everyone around me to constantly walk on eggshells adjusting what they say. Its just not a natural way to interact with people. There may well be things you talk about that are unintentionally hurtful to others - you know?

Anyway, look after yourself and its ok to let these feelings out. Have you talked to a counsellor about this at all? it might be helpful. Wishing you lots of luck for round 4.

Oh @hop27 that’s so hard. I’m at an earlier stage- going into first FET after miscarriage in my fresh cycle and I’m down regging for the first time, my mood the past couple of days has been all over the place. I’ve struggled with infertility for years now and the meeting friends thing I so get. It’s so hard to plaster on a plastic smile during the baby talk. I’ve cancelled at the last minute before meeting a pregnant friend because I was crying so hard at the thought of going that I couldn’t breathe and I cried all evening before going to another friend’s baby’s first birthday. I felt, and still feel like a shitty friend because of it. But we need to take care of ourselves. We are going through something that’s so tough physically, mentally and emotionally. The lockdown has been a gift for me, I don’t need to see pregnant people. At the end of the day, next time there’s a similar occasion, in your shoes I just wouldn’t go.

Wishing you all the luck in the world for this round.

Oh Op, am hurting for you. What Loubylou said is so true about mums being so consumed by babies and sometimes blind to the hurt around them. As you pointed out yourself DSS meant no harm but I can't even imagine how cutting that was.
Am sure this won't help but you are worth and valuable in your own right and just as you are. So please give yourself some care. Perhaps get in touch with mental health support services (lockdown is making hard things harder). Don't know how to comfort you or what to say. Just hugs.

Oh god I don't know how you even managed to attend that given your circumstances.

Thanks everyone. I've made a lovely dinner for my boys. I'm drinking my favourite wine out of my fave wine glass, waiting on pudding coming out of the oven. Would like to stop crying but I can't.

That sounds ghastly. Your dss didn’t really get how upsetting his words were. They were thoughtless. The people at the get together were all consumed, again. It wasn’t personal. But very hurtful.

Sorry to hear this they sound very thoughtless and self absorbed. They most likely know you don’t have children. Logically because you don’t want them, can’t have them, are working on it or now isn’t the right time. So why would that be all you (or anyone) wants to talk about. I can see why you’re upset, good luck with your next round. It’s a shit club to be in, we are hopefully starting our next (and final round) next month. Did they seriously have nothing else to say?! I was told as a child it’s rude to just talk about yourself and you should try to include everyone in the conversation.

It’s easy for people who have never experienced real fertility issues (trying for 5 months isn’t fertility issues contrary to what a friend of mine thinks!). I have been impressed by the lack of tact, self absorption and compassion bypass so many people have. 2 examples of many are: me mentioning l felt tired and ill from IVF drugs, my then friend said l had it easy as her children are so demanding! Or me crying that our IVF hadn’t work and then within minutes, a friend telling me her plans for maternity / paternity leave for her 2nd child

Oh and has your step son been spoken to about what he said?

I would have been so hurt and angry about all of that. I'm so sorry. I hope that it all works out.

All sounds very hard.

Harmless, hardly.
Nothing wrong with such rudeness being explained clearly.
13 is old enough to know better.
He didn't speak in anger.
He was very rude.
You can point it out gently and I would expect his father to set him straight too.

Mind yourself.
Fertility treatment is gruelling.

I feel for you, OP. It must be so difficult having step children at all whilst going through all this shit, never mind listening to (albeit unintentionally) insensitive comments.

And that get together must have been extremely tough. I did a decade of childless infertility and I know how bitter and angry it made me. I had to actively tell myself that other people aren't arseholes just because they're fertile! Like a PP, I also felt people were undeserving if they hadn't struggled. I recognised that was wrong, but it was how I immediately felt in my gut. Fucking horrible what infertiltity does to a person.

However, I agree with PPs who've said that the baby talk is to be expected (and everything @Russellbrandshair said). I hope you feel free to avoid those occasions. I know that's not ideal either, but you don't have to torture yourself to be a good friend.

I second the PP which suggested using your clinic's counselling service if you aren't already.

Very best of luck to you

Thanks all, really appreciate all your kind words. Had a rough start to the day, felt rubbish so went into work late and tried to be kind to myself. But just feel so completely overwhelmed by it all.