To think our situation is totally hopeless

[coralpig]

I’m 8 weeks postpartum and the last few months have been hellish- difficult pregnancy, traumatic emcs, sepsis, feeding issues, baby weight loss, dental issues of course the pandemic and the isolation that brings. I have PND and I think he does too but won’t admit it. He also has severe OCD and intrusive thoughts and health anxiety.

DH has also had a cancer scare and many many investigation and he is a frontline health worker. Neither husband nor I bonded with the babies but I have now- he is still really struggling with this and is not bonding. I am struggling physically post sepsis and we are both exhausted. We are constantly arguing and bickering and he has admitted that he won’t share his feelings with me
and doesn’t want my support. At the moment I feel we are just two people who live together but we are not getting on. I find watching him struggle with the babies traumatic- he is very short tempered when they cry.

I feel like this is a living hell. We have no family nearby and I feel like our previously strong relationship is at breaking point. We aren’t spending quality time together because we are so exhausted and battling our own demons. How do we get out of this?

I’m so sorry. I don’t have much advice to offer but didn’t want to read and run - it sounds like you may benefit from some mental health assistance for you both. Have you tried Mind’s helpline? They could talk through options including perhaps directing you towards counselling?

So sorry you are having all these problems. I agree with PP suggestion of trying the Mind helpline. Other thing I would say though that lack of sleep with a young baby makes everything worse (if you have twins I imagine it is even worse) but that that phase will pass. Also, bonding with babies after a traumatic birth experience can take longer, including for the dad - it would be worth looking at the BLISS website (for people who have had premature or poorly babies). The Twins Trust website might also be helpful. Speak to your GP too. There is help out there. Things will get better.

Oh hugs. It sounds horrendous.
Can you take a loan/spend savings and get some child care - a night nanny in first instance, daytime support for a bit longer.
I'm thinking if you can get stronger with help then you can pull him up too. Also tiredness and exhaustion stops you seeing clearly.
Were not there, we don't know you both.
I have seen friends with twins and surrounded by family struggle and cry every day.
And I know that feeling of misery and just surviving. I wish someone had told me about night nannies.

"He also has severe OCD and intrusive thoughts and health anxiety."
Has he spoken to his GP? Is he on medication? That could really help.

Can you find out if there is any HomeStart type services running that could help you - perhaps asking your health visitor/ GP or a social worker.

Stay strong.

is there anyone in dh family that can come and stay?

I think seek whatever help you can mental health wise and remember the newborn stage is absolutely fucking awful. From what you describe birthwise I'd argue you're still in the postpartum recovery stage as it takes longer with more complex births. This can get better.

No family nearby, no homestart anywhere nearby. He has spoken to gp and is on a waiting list for therapies, has been on medication before but refusing it now. I am on medication. I’ve convinced him to seek out private help which he is but I don’t think he will engage as he is in denial that things are that bad. Keeps saying he misses old life and gets angry when I try and talk about the issues.

The twins trust twinline might have some helpful suggestions you can find the details here twinstrust.org/let-us-help/support/twinline.html It will get better as they get bigger, I seem to remember it getting better at about 3 months as they needed slightly less constant attention.

Because your babies are under 1 you can form a support bubble with another household regardless of how many adults etc so could one of your parents come and stay both for some physical help as well as moral support?

Could a family menber (yours or his mother) come and live with you both. They could be in your bubble.
Or a night nanny, if you must but it will usually be expensive.
I'd prefer the family member, just for 3 to 6 months. If you have a two bed place then one room for you and DH and one room for family member. Babies in either room. I suggest a cot in both rooms.
I know it seems extreme to some, but so many people do this.
It's far better than sacrificing your marriage.
Good luck.

Option b is for you and babies to go and live with your parents but that is not ideal.

Did meds help him before? If they did I would try hard to push him to go back on them. If not try to encourage him to ask to try a different medication.

Has he been off his meds long? It might be that his problem didn't go away but was managed with medication and has reoccurred because he stopped.

It sounds so incredibly hard for you, you definitely need someone to help out, ideally a family member to come and stay, or even a friend in your area to form a bubble, having a new baby is hard, multiply that by physical and mental health problems in a pandemic and twins and everyone would be at breaking point.

I'm sorry I can't offer much advice other than a virtual hand hold.

I have twins and can completely sympathise. I was told that things would get a little better from around 12 weeks and they did so I would just aim for that milestone as it’s not too far away. You need to make things as easy for yourself as possible. If feeding issues relate to struggling with breast feeding then do not be a martyr. Bottle feed if it makes your life easier. I ended up breast feeding one and bottle feeding the other. The bottle fed one slept through from 12 weeks which was amazing as started to get some sleep! For now, try and keep your spirits up by getting out for a walk when you can, eating nice simple meals, listening to music or the radio and remembering that this stage does not last forever (your DH needs to be reminded of this too). Also, I had fantastic community midwives and health visitor who were very supportive. Are you able to lean on yours and get some extra help? I seem to remember mine telling me I could get a trainee nursery nurse from local college to volunteer a day or two each week with me. Not sure whether that is an option for you (or if it’s kaiboshed by Covid).

Do talk to your hv. In my area there was a support group for mums with postnatel depression. Perhaps there is a group like that. Or perhaps a family worker can support you. Do phone Mind. Do talk to GP. Can he find a hobby to do to keep his mind in a good place. (ok I understand this is a bit restricted at the mo but their is still options.)

It is very hard to get someone to get the help they need if they do not want to, but you can be honest about how you feel about how his behaviour affects you and your worries re: how he interacts with the babies.

When I was pregnant with dd2, DH had PTSD due to the death of his mother. He also suffers with health anxiety and completely shut down. At her birth I asked his sister to be present as I was so worried about how he would be. I also ended up having another EMCS, my first birth was traumatic too. He was still very shut down after her birth and having anger issues relating to his grief and taking it out on me and then dd1. At which point I read him the riot act and said he sought help or he moved out as I couldn't live like that anymore, he had young children who needed him. It really gave him a wake up call, he got help and things got better. He doesn't remember the first 8 months of dd2's life at all, but is now a fully involved parent and good husband and we have moved past it all.

I also sought help for myself and focused on myself and the children as although I was worried about him, he was an adult and I didn't have the physical, emotional or psychological resources to help him at that time. Make sure you get help from others too.

www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/

If he is a frontline health worker there are counselling services provided by the NHS for staff at the moment that he may be able to access more rapidly.

Good grief OP I am so sorry! A few thoughts below

• could your DP go to GP and get signed off for a month or two, I know everyone on front line is working like hell, but your situation is exceptional
• can he also look into medication?
• if you are breast feeding it really might help to switch to bottles?
• can you get out a loan to get some help - cleaner, ready meals, night carer?

oh OP. I have twins (they are 13 now). I remember feeling so distant from my husband (who I had been so close to) when they were born.Its relentless and constant and your whole world has been turned upside down. We both resented each other getting a precious moment of sleep.It also took both of us a while to bond with our beautiful dds, I managed first but he got there eventually. For what its worth we are still together and very happy and even have another child (50 times easier and more fun despite having young twins and a newborn but we were so much more prepared and loved them all straight away which helped).
I can't guarantee all will be well with you two (and the ocd wont help although pnd with twins seems almost so typical as ro be normal) but keep trying to be nice to each other, forgive each other, dont press for feelings etc because sometimes (especially if you are on the spetrum) you cant share this stuff until later. The older the babies get the more they interact, the more they smile and entertain themselves, sometimes the more they sleep, the more you love them. Im sure suggestions above re seeking medical help are also a good idea especially if things get really bad but for us it was just time and getting to know the new part of our family and getting more used to everything.

All the best of luck OP, be kind to yourself and remember all the bad stages do pass.

Can you form a support bubble to get some help

Don't worry too much about your DH not bonding with your/his baby yet. I've known quite a few men who turned out to be very good fathers take a good few months to bond with their first.
Things will improve. Hang on in there. Good luck.

Having been somewhere similar try twins trust helpline, they will understand.

Week 8 of multiples, god it's hard. I was sat up crying that they cried at night because they didn't like me, that it was on purpose.

Honestly struggling isn't unusual at this point op and whilst you're definitely struggling more than many and it's great you're getting help, please don't feel there's something extraordinarily wrong with you to be doing so.

You don't say of twins or triplets but a year down the line with twins, I can't even remember who I was in those early months

oh and you have all the extra stress of pandemic, no family supporr, dh is frontline and you have had sepsis. You have it so tough and any support such as GP, counselling etc please take. Re him being short-tempered when babies cry, obviously you need to protect babies first and foremost but try not to lecture him if you can or make him feel like he is doing it wrong but be supportive. Say its so difficult when they cry isn't it to see them distressed and not be able to help. or its so stressful when they cry but nature must fix it that way as we are all they have. It seems to me and dh (from experience similar to yours) that we could only accept the noise etc when we started to see the babies as little people who weren't angry just desperately dependent. I think with my louder, noisier dd it took until she was about 8-10 weeks until I could see her as a baby scared and anxious rather than a little angry thing trying to tell me off and destroy my dream of being a mother (was quicker with the more placid one). As soon as it hit me the desperate need to protect her (and the guilt of course) kicked in. Then of course I was cross with dh as he didn't get it as quickly as I did and by this point I loved her desperately and could understand why he found her irritating.

Re his feelings, of he doesn't want to talk don't push it. Support him to get support, suggest he Clarke's an hour out to catch up on the phone with a mate etc but respect that he isn't going to burden the mother of his multiple babies who went through so much just 8 weeks ago, with his seemingly comparably insignificant feelings.

I can really relate to how you’re feeling, it’s savage.

The only way we got out of it was the passing of time. The first year was horrific, I fantasised about getting rid of dh as he didn’t hear the babies again and it nearly broke us. I wasn’t too bothered at the time if it did, because it meant he’d have the babies for at least a whole weekend and I could sleep

Lower your standards as low as they can get, try not to get caught in a game of competitive tiredness and who has the shittiest life, and believe that you’ll get through this and the good time will come again.

You will get through this, and it will all be ok 💐

It's normal for there to be no quality time and it's normal to feel like your relationship is suffering, that's even with one newborn, no pandemic and no mental health issues. The only advice I can offer is to give yourself a break and just trust in the passage of time.You are doing the right thing by taking medication, you can't make him, all you can do is tell him that you think it would help him but beyond that it has to be up to him.

This time.will pass. By summer I suspect you will feel very differently.

It sounds horrendous and I'm so sorry you're going through it but it will get better.