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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to see child more

48 replies

LemonanLime · 16/01/2021 11:21

I recently put up a post asking people if they felt that my PIL were too involved in DDs life (telling us what to feed her/not feed her, forcing certain types of food on us etc.). The general consensus was that they are too involved and to create a bit of a distance.

They went 4 days this week without seeing DD which is the longest they've ever gone without seeing her since she was born 6 months ago. This wasn't necessarily up to us, as they'll invite themselves round etc.

A few days ago, FIL asked me if they could see DC for a while and I agreed. When I arrived with DC, MIL walked out with her arms outstretched and took DD from my arms (didn't even say hello to me!), and then proceeded to say about how 4 days without her seeing them was too long for DC, and that she was making strange with them now. She wasn't making strange, DD has never made strange with anyone for goodness sake!

They looked after DC for 2 hours whilst I walked the dog and done some housework.

When DP and I went back to collect DC we decided to take the walker that they had got her for Christmas as she can finally use it now that she is 6 months old. MIL pretty much refused to let us take it, and said that they would bring it round themselves, as it will give them an excuse to see DD.

I feel smothered. AIBU??

OP posts:
FedUpAtHomeTroels · 16/01/2021 11:50

Yes They are seriously overstepping and demanding. Buy a walker and tell them not to bother bringing it over you already have one. My MI tried this crap.
Stop dancing to their tune and cut the constant visits until she can be more respectful. No one walks in my house and ignores me and grabs me kid. If MIL had done that she's find I'm not availible for her visits.

Biscuitsneeded · 16/01/2021 11:54

If you're in the UK you can just cite the lockdown. "You know what, PILs, we're not actually allowed to mix households currently, so let's do a weekly zoom for a bit..."

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 16/01/2021 11:57

I'd bloody well 'make strange' with them.

Get DH to tell them they can either let him
pick the Walker up or keep it at theirs, but they are not to just turn up, with that or anything else

DH needs to find his spine!!

& you need to stay strong too. It's YOUR life, YOUR baby... they don't get to decide what she's fed, when she's fed, how often she's fed. Or anything else.

Ignore anyone telling you how lucky you are having PIL who are involved/help. It's not helpful, it's suffocating and can really contribute to PND

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 16/01/2021 14:39

I think the fact you take her round and leave her with them is giving them all this extra 'power' as well, whereas if you stayed for the visit it would be easier to exert your boundaries

pudcat · 16/01/2021 14:42

Thought we were not allowed to mix households during lockdown if in UK.

Lenin1870 · 16/01/2021 14:45

This reply has been deleted

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FriedasCarLoad · 16/01/2021 14:46

@pudcat

Thought we were not allowed to mix households during lockdown if in UK.
There's a baby under one in the household, so they can form a support bubble.
Notimeforaname · 16/01/2021 14:49

Yes this is way too much. Your husband should really be the one to say it first though.

RedMarauder · 16/01/2021 14:49

Why the fuck are you mixing households during lockdown OP?

OP is allowed to get support for a child under 1 and mix with one other household.

RedMarauder · 16/01/2021 14:51

OP if you are in England I suggest you find someone else preferably with a child to mix with.

Then tell your in laws that unfortunately your friend needs you to be their support bubble so you can no longer see them.

(You need a 10 day gap if you do this.)

pudcat · 16/01/2021 14:51

OP is allowed to get support for a child under 1 and mix with one other household. oh sorry didn't realise.

MrsSmith2021 · 16/01/2021 14:52

It’s difficult because they clearly love her and it’s great they want to be so involved. But equally I understand it’s difficult for you.

Lenin1870 · 16/01/2021 14:52

She’s allowed to if she needs it

If essentially needed, if not absolutely needed then don’t

The rules are the maximum allowed, if at all possible you should try to minimise though - they’re all limits not targets

Notimeforaname · 16/01/2021 14:53

Then tell your in laws that unfortunately your friend needs you to be their support bubble so you can no longer see them

Yes I would tell them anything at this point...to get some space. Even if its not the truth.

DecemberSun · 16/01/2021 14:54

Can the Covid police just STFU?

OP asked for advice about a relationship not a commentary on her behaviour. Mind your own business, you don;t know their circumstances.

It's tedious to see the Covid police on threads where it's irrelevant.

Xmassprout · 16/01/2021 14:55

Good grief, I think lots of people would find that suffocating. Before lockdown I would take my children to see my parents once a week and felt that was plenty. None of us made a fuss if we missed a week or two either.

In fact I can't even remember the last time my parents saw my children. I think it may have been September or October. They missed my youngest's birthday and Christmas. My youngest only recently turned one so we could have even formed a bubble but didn't.

partyatthepalace · 16/01/2021 15:09

Yep they are being suffocating and you need to slam down some boundaries -

Decide what’s ok for you for space and gives your kids access and put in place

OakSun · 16/01/2021 15:12

Your MIL is crazy, bonkers and you need to stop this now. Presents are presents, tell them you’ll have to buy her one yourself. Limit visits and if you want to hold your baby then take her from her. She only gets to hold your baby if you hand her over or baby is old enough to walk to her. You owe them nothing

Santaiscovidfree · 16/01/2021 15:14

Beware of allowing regular unsupervised with such people op..... It can end badly.
They aren't being doting dgps they are being control freaks. With YOUR dd... Ime ils never had my mobile number.. Let dh deal with them. He needs to be stern and tell them to back off. And buy a walker then they have immediately lost that stick.

MessAllOver · 16/01/2021 15:27

I find these threads really sad. My 3 yo DS has four grandparents who adore him (and one who is not in very good health). Despite living 3 and 8 hours drive away respectively, they always made the effort to see him at least every couple of months and more if they could manage it pre-lockdown.

One set of grandparents (living in Scotland) haven't seen DS now since August.
The other set of grandparents haven't seen him since October. They were all set to come to us for Christmas and so over the moon and excited but then our area went into Tier 4. Christmas was cancelled.

Given the present lockdown, we are unlikely to see any of the grandparents before March/April at the earliest.

Set firmer boundaries if you must, but for me it would be a joy and a privilege to make my MIL a cup of tea in my home and listen to her play and interact with my little DS. We haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but I can't wait until her and DFIL can come to visit us again. The only thing which I would like more is for my parents to be able to visit. Instead, they watched DS open his presents over Zoom.

Marleymoo42 · 16/01/2021 15:32

say you have a cough or that you have come into contact with covid

or say that the health visitor has advised you to not use a support bubble unless necessary for work because babies a vulnerable. A total lie, sorry.

Do what you need to do to take back control. They shouldn't really just be popping round with a walker during a pandemic, even if it is allowed. Say the police are stopping people on unecessary journeys. I think they need to be reminded that many grandparents have not met their grandchildren properly. Support bubbles are for you!! Not them! Don't put yourself at extra risk if they are not providing emotional or practical support.

katy1213 · 16/01/2021 15:37

I think you need to move house - far enough away so she'll be grateful to see you two or three times a year.

Tamingofthehamster · 16/01/2021 15:39

Messallover - if your dps and pils aren’t local , you really can’t say how you’d feel in this situation. You might think you’d love it, but until it happens you just don’t know.

MessAllOver · 16/01/2021 15:47

@Tamingofthehamster. We have had months of the rules being that we can only meet outside. We have spent hours in the car driving to a sodden, muddy park in the middle of where we live so the grandparents can see DS in the drizzle for half an hour before driving home. We are pros at doing socially distanced picnics in wet weather conditions. I have set up so many Zoom calls so MIL and DM can read DS bedtime stories. DS told me the other day that he wanted to see 'gandma' and, when I offered to call her, he said, "No, to cuddle".

I don't think people who live a distance from their families are the lucky ones here.

hamishpottery · 16/01/2021 15:54

YANBU. I think your DP needs to resolve this with firm boundaries, or they will become more and more intense.

I couldn't cope with contact every four days, if it was something I found stressful (rather than supportive and mutually beneficial).

I think you could use the Covid situation as a good starting point. You could say you have formed a support bubble with someone already, for the fact your baby is under one. But really, I would get DP to start asserting boundaries.

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