MIL wants to see child more

[LemonanLime]

I recently put up a post asking people if they felt that my PIL were too involved in DDs life (telling us what to feed her/not feed her, forcing certain types of food on us etc.). The general consensus was that they are too involved and to create a bit of a distance.

They went 4 days this week without seeing DD which is the longest they've ever gone without seeing her since she was born 6 months ago. This wasn't necessarily up to us, as they'll invite themselves round etc.

A few days ago, FIL asked me if they could see DC for a while and I agreed. When I arrived with DC, MIL walked out with her arms outstretched and took DD from my arms (didn't even say hello to me!), and then proceeded to say about how 4 days without her seeing them was too long for DC, and that she was making strange with them now. She wasn't making strange, DD has never made strange with anyone for goodness sake!

They looked after DC for 2 hours whilst I walked the dog and done some housework.

When DP and I went back to collect DC we decided to take the walker that they had got her for Christmas as she can finally use it now that she is 6 months old. MIL pretty much refused to let us take it, and said that they would bring it round themselves, as it will give them an excuse to see DD.

I feel smothered. AIBU??

I know it is hard but you have to nip this in the bud today or it will continue forever. A casual " thanks for the advice but we have decided to do it our way and please let me know in advance when you would like to visit and i will let you know if it is convenient " All with a smile on your face then waltz out the door before they have a chance to respond. When they phone their soon to complain he needs to say yeah, that's how we want it to be"

Stop leaving DD with them. That is a bad precedent. Invite them round to see her twice a week and make excuses/ignore any other attempts to make arrangements. Don't leave her with them unless you really need to.

You have the patience of a saint. 4 days is NOT a big gap in seeing someone. My DDs normally do 6 weeks (pre covid) between visits to my parents and my DD never made strange. Now they have seen my parents once since Feb of last year. Your MIL is full on crazy, and you need to back off, or you may find that they consider your child theirs. That is a dangerous thing to let happen, very dangerous. Your DH needs to step up. You need to step back and distance your DC from them. 1 visit every week or two, dont leave DC with them without you there, no overnights.

I wouldn't be leaving her with them. They are happy to give you a hard time (4 days !!) to your face - what do you think they are saying to her when you're not there? She's rapidly approaching an age when she'll be repeating what her nan has said and she will obviously say crap to her like mummy never lets you see me etc

4 days???! God I'd feel physically suffocated. You need to actually sit them down and talk to them about it. Its completely unsustainable. Dont they have anything else to do?

Set firmer boundaries if you must, but for me it would be a joy and a privilege to make my MIL a cup of tea in my home and listen to her play and interact with my little DS. We haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but I can't wait until her and DFIL can come to visit us again. The only thing which I would like more is for my parents to be able to visit. Instead, they watched DS open his presents over Zoom.

Yeah all very well saying that when theynlove miles away.

Why are you still seeing them?

We're only supposed to be seeing family we're in a bubble with for essential childcare, eg when parents are at work.

If you don't want to see them as much you have the mother of all excuses!

I'd be telling them to feck right off!

There's a baby under one in the household, so they can form a support bubble

Only if you NEED support and it sounds like they don't!

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion. Everyone who lives close to their family always has the option of telling them to get lost... they just need to grow a backbone.

@MessAllOver, I didn't say they didn't. I said it's easy for someone who's parents and pil live hours away to saybthey would consider it a privilege to see them all the time. I'm reality they probably wouldn't.

@Biscuitsneeded

If you're in the UK you can just cite the lockdown. "You know what, PILs, we're not actually allowed to mix households currently, so let's do a weekly zoom for a bit..."

But they are allowed with a baby under 1.

Tbh,i think that your reaction is an overreaction and probably fuelling this @LemonanLime

If I was being smothered by GPs I would be using COVID for an excuse if they didn't listen to anything else. They can't demand to be a support bubble

They love your DD. It's an incredible privilege to have family contact and support at the moment.

Work out what an appropriate level of contact would be for your family, communicate that to your PIL and then, within the boundaries you have set, let them have free rein to grandparent, even if you feel a bit left out.

Grandparent contact is something that is being denied to most children in this country at the moment, so I'm afraid my patience is limited for those complaining about loving grandparents seeing DC too much.

@MessAllOver my DDs dont see their GPs as my parents live in Ireland and DHs are bubbled with his DS, and my parents especially are very doting GPs. However, being in OPs situation is a worse situation IMO. I would hate it more than missing my family as I do now. Its impossible to navigate without being the bad guy, OPs DH doesnt seem very helpful, its endless if it goes unchallenged, and I dont think it will go well if it is challenged. For us who dont see GPs at the minute, we will see GPs again and most of us wont be suffocated like OP is.

Well, I guess you have to pick your evil. I'd gladly put up with some being smothered if it meant DS was able to cuddle his grandparents. For a little three year old, not seeing grandparents who you're used to seeing regularly for 9 months is a long time.

Your reply should have been: no, I want her to get some practice in it this evening and we are very busy this week so I would text before you come over as we probably won’t be in. fold up Walker and walk away . I do t understand why you let them in if the smother you so badly. I would close the curtain or go upstairs and not answer the door, if they ask just tell them you must have been out for a walk, they will soon get the hint.

DD is your baby, PIL have had theirs, do what suits you, totally your call.

The interfering ect is way out of line. However as for wanting to see them more At least she's taking an interest and wants to see them. You'd have something to say if she wasnt
There's currently a thread running about this at the moment (About a Grandmother saying to her DIL that she loves her DDs child more).

When she calls over to drop the Walker off, have the front door locked, go upstairs and open the window and tell them you don’t feel well and have a sore throat, but they can leave the Walker there as you need it for DD. Smile and close the window, enjoy your 14 days of peace!😁💕

Oh I know @MessAllOver. We used to see DHs parents every week. It kills them not to see DD who is 2. I had a baby the first day of the second lockdown and they have only seen her once. My parents know her on a screen. But, my situation will get better eventually. It's not forever. OPs may be forever. She may be undermined and feel like rubbish forever. IMO that's worse than my situation. At least we have a better long term situation and we are treated with respect.

Decent dgps don't begrudge people spending time with their own dc without them!! They sound unhinged!! Wide berth.

Totally set some boundaries with them, ideally get your DP to do it as they’re his parents.

Once a week is plenty to be seeing anyone.

They sound a bit nuts, on what the planet is 4 days a lot? Set boundaries and stick to them OP, whatever you’re comfortable with, don’t let them walk all over you.