To not want more children

[MaMaD1990]

Just that really and after other views on the subject. I've got one child and I'm certain I don't want any more. I've openly admitted its bloody hard work and although I love my DC, I'm just too selfish to have another baby (less money, less time, less sleep etc etc). Well, the looks I get when I say that! It's like I've slapped someone in the face, especially those who have more than one child (they are always the ones who ask "when are you having another?" - not do you want another, but WHEN!). The main reason I'm told I should have another baby is so that my DC isn't lonely as an only child. AIBU - people with one child are selfish and should have another YANBU - there's no harm not wanting more than one, you be you darling

I should probably make clear I tend to just shrug these things off, I'm obviously not to going to get pregnant again to make others happy. Just interested in how people outside my life view this.

YANBU - Some people will be rude and judgemental whatever you do. If you have one child, they will say your child will be lonely, spoilt, etc. If you have more than 3 children in some people’s minds it’s also selfish. You do what is right for you and your family. Just come up with some stock phrases to say to these people to shut the conversation down, essentially it is none of their business.

It's funny isn't it?? I tend to just either nod my head and smile thinking "yeah OK!" Or I'm brutally honest and say I hated being a mum for many months and I don't want to put myself or my family under any sort of strain. When they say "ohhh she needs siblings to play with!" I respond with "she has friends". We're also very conscious about her being bratty and spoilt but that's all down to how you parent in my opinion!

I think it's rude of anyone to ask about what you're going to do with your uterus or tell you that you're selfish for only having one. I've never been so selfless since I had my daughter, I'm at the end of everyone's list of priorities, especially my own. I tell people I can't have another and it shuts them down. I can't get pregnant for a variety of reasons, very personal reasons, and I'm sorry if that disappoints people. The very same people aren't going to be there for me if I urgently need assistance, so I don't factor them in as having a say. I don't know for a fact that there are biological reasons, I suspect there might be, but another pregnancy isn't something I actively pursue, so I'll never know. Just because something is possible, is no reason to do it.

I have two boys and get asked when I'm having a girl. My response is usually "when he'll freezers over". Sometimes, if I particularly dislike the person, I go in to graphic details with them about the circumstances of both my DC births whilst they're eating their lunch just to make a point.

I digress. Personally, I always wanted more than one. Some people don't. Doesn't matter. Neither is right or wrong.

That would grind my gears something chronic if people asked when I was having the opposite sex - I do like your response in a carefully planned setting during lunch though- fab idea!

I love my son more than anything in the world, but I knew even before he was born that I only wanted one child. I am an only child, but DH has siblings. I had a terrible childbirth with DS, which reinforced the fact that I didn't want more. As soon as DS outgrew anything, I either passed it on or sold it, knowing I'd have no use for it again - and was astounded at how many people questioned my decision or insisted I wasn't thinking straight and would change my mind! Well, he's 9 now and amazing, but I have never ever had a single moment of broodiness for another!

I had one because I didn't want anymore. As to the "she'll be lonely without siblings" bollocks I got told, my reply was...."if her sibling treated her the way mine treated me during our childhood, then it's better she doesn't have any".

Once (when pissed, admittedly) when a pushy family member of my husband’s quizzed me about when I was having another, I loudly asked them why they thought my fertility was any of their business? It caused an awkward AF silence but they did shut up. It was at my birthday party and they were just pushing and pushing and telling me I couldn’t possibly only have one, that it was cruel, selfish etc. It pisses me off so much. I felt really guilty about standing up for myself for ages, still do. Society has conditioned me to just take this shit I think, but I don’t want to.

@AliTheMinx I hear you!! Did exactly the same thing and still do. I was told to keep the items for a while and see how you feel - that was met with a strong "no" haha

Oh - and when I used to have to go into the chemist after DS's birth to get all the prescription meds/lactulose for my childbirth injuries, every single time the lady in the chemist asked when I was having another and reminded me time was marching on and it wouldn't be fair on DS to wait too long for a sibling!!!!!

@Winterwoollies don't fret, it obvious you're not alone and to be honest, standing up for ourselves seems to be the only way to shut people up!

I have one DD aged 5 and have not felt a twinge of broodiness since she was born. I think every child
should be completely wanted, and having a baby I don’t want purely to ‘give’ DD a sibling would be a very bad idea. Ignore people who make stupid comments - you are doing the right thing.

I know plenty of one child families. The children are absolutely fine, very sociable and well adjusted, not at all spoiled. Do what is right for your family and situation.
I'm starting to think that more than one child in the future is going to be unsustainable for our planet anyway, but that's another topic!

People are dicks. I ended up having two DC as that's what I wanted but when my eldest was three I started to get comments. A dreaded in-law acquaintance made a beeline for me at a party and drunkenly/loudly asked 'isn't it time for another one?'

I had just gone through a 10 wk miscarriage and D&C, burst into tears (in private) and begged H to take me home.

Don’t then. It’s a perfectly valid choice.

I have none by choice. I don’t bay an eye at the opinions of others.

My only child DD is 6 now so the questions have pretty much stopped. I just never got broody again.

I do think you need to make an effort with play dates, extra curriculars, spending Christmas with the other children in your family etc, etc though. Bit rubbish at the the moment.

I couldn't cope with another, I am honest with myself about that. Ds is 6 and I'm glad he's an only.

Lots of people only have one for all sorts of reasons (personal choice, first one being hard work, secondary infertility, career, finances etc). And when they get to about 6 or 7 there’s something daunting about the thought of going through it all again, the sleepless nights, the baby crying, the toddler tantrums, the starting school, the impact on your body and mental health.

Most people I know stopped at one. Those who have more look permanently exhausted and the kids seem to fight and squabble a lot. A friend of mine has 3 boys under 5 and she’s really struggling. Even my friend with 2 quiet little girls (at least they’ve been quiet when I’ve seen them) says it’s really hard as they fight and hit each other.

DH wants another but with fertility issues it seems like that might not happen. And I’m a bit relieved tbh.

10 years ago I would have been one of those silently judging those who only had one, emphasis on silent and I'd never ask someone when they're having a child, but then I had my youngest child. Love them both dearly and wouldn't change a thing of course, but the youngest makes the eldest's life a misery. I intervene as much as I can but they just don't get on, my eldest would have made the perfect only child, he loves adult company and easily makes friends with other children. It's a constant competition and they honestly don't bring joy to each other's lives, it devastates me to admit that but it's true. So no I don't think it's selfish, you can never guarantee what relationship the children have so if you are happy, absolutely stick!

I was basically an only child for the first 10 years of my life, then my brother came along and there was too big of a gap for us to really play together or do things.

But.

I didn't care cos I'd grown up and learned how to be a well adjusted independent kid by that point. It did me no harm.

I also have an only child, and he's not developmentally delayed, lacking in fun, missing out on anything.

My husband on the other hand has 4 siblings and they all hate each other. They were always poor where otherwise if it were just my husband they'd have been better off and every one is resentful of the fact that there's basically nothing left to them when FIL dies because they're all expected to "help" out of their own pockets.

You do you OP. I'm right there with you.

YANBU. I sometimes think women with one child get even more judgement than women with no children. It's no one's business but yours.

YANBU - I actually feel relieved reading these responses because it makes me realise I'm not alone. I have one DS who is adored by everyone but honestly I absolutely couldn't go through any of this again. I've had horrible PND/PNA and spend a lot of time feeling guilty or inadequate. My son needs a healthy mother more than a sibling. Also, my parent has 11 siblings and they all hate each other and would cross the road rather than speak to each other. So there's no guarantee a sibling is for the best!

DS is 17 now but I still remember the comments about how “cruel” I was not to provide him with a sibling. He is happy, well-adjusted, has lots of friends...

I am quite honest with him now that I can be and am a great mum to him and I love the bones of him - but I’m a good mum because I stopped at one.