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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off

48 replies

1950s1 · 15/01/2021 18:13

Not sure what I'm asking but I just want to complain. My parents are smokers and were throughout my childhood. They didn't smoke inside but it would stick to them and then the furniture. They smoked atleast once an hour usually more. If I wanted to open my window the smoke would come in from the outside. The garden was littered with ciggarete butts. The stench would stick to the car interior and it was hard to breathe as they demanded that the windows remained closed as it was too cold for them. My drying clothes would stink and they were hung outside where they would smoke or drying by the fire where they would usually sit. So my towels would stink of it making me stink of it too after a shower. They were and still are to this day admant that ciggaretes haven't harmed me health wise (they've seen the advertisements on the packaging they are somehow convinced that the scientific proof is baloney) and that I need to be concerened about the big factories and they don't see me telling off everyone driving a diesel/petrol car. They think they're the best parents because I got almost everything that I wanted as a child and don't understand why I wont let them visit the house or my children,

OP posts:
samb80 · 15/01/2021 18:20

Urgh, I don't blame you its disgusting.
My parents were the same when I was younger and I'm pretty sure it's the cause of my extremely sensitive sinuses!
My parents packed in but my in laws were the same and the fights I had to go through when the kids came along was a nightmare.

Ohalrightthen · 15/01/2021 18:20

I don't know if I'd be pissed off, but they're definitely morons. You're doing the right thing keeping them away from your children.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/01/2021 18:22

My parents were both heavy smokers, hated it.
My rebellion was never to smoke, so that did me a huge favour.
I have had problems with bronchitis as an adult - possibly just as much caused by choosing to live in central London as by them smoking.
If you can't agree to disagree, just move on and either go no contact or forget it and stop bringing it up; it doesn't sound like your going to change their mind any time soon.

user1493413286 · 15/01/2021 18:25

You won’t let them see the children because they’re smokers? I don’t agree with what they did and I wouldn’t let them smoke around my DC but I don’t think I’d go so far as to not let them see my DC.

Ohalrightthen · 15/01/2021 18:31

@user1493413286

You won’t let them see the children because they’re smokers? I don’t agree with what they did and I wouldn’t let them smoke around my DC but I don’t think I’d go so far as to not let them see my DC.
New research has shown that "third hand smoke" on skin, clothes, hair etc is almost as harmful as second hand smoke. Just being in the same room as a smoker does damage, and children are especially vulnerable.
trunumber · 15/01/2021 18:41

There is surely more to your story than this? My parents were very heavy smokers, it was normal back then, I only have one childhood friend who's parents didn't smoke. I adore my parents, no way would I cut them out for that

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 15/01/2021 18:43

I had this growing up and I do see your point. It was a different time however and people didn't have the information they have now, so it's a bit harsh to judge them in today's standards!

Still1nLove · 15/01/2021 18:53

Very extreme to not let them see their grandchildren. You sound unhinged!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/01/2021 18:57

My parents both smoked when I was a small child - dad gave up when I was in my early teens, but mum has never stopped. They used to smoke indoors, and in the car - this was in the 70s and 80s, so there was a lot less known about the dangers of passive smoking, but they never showed any concern at all about smoking around my sister and me.

I remember asking my mum not to smoke in the car, because it made me feel very sick, and gave me a headache, and she refused, point blank - so she didn’t even care when she knew one of her children was suffering ill effects from her smoking.

So no, @1950s1 - I don’t think you are at ALL unreasonable to be pissed off about this behaviour from your parents.

Ohalrightthen · 15/01/2021 18:58

@Still1nLove

Very extreme to not let them see their grandchildren. You sound unhinged!
This is actually very sensible, not unhinged at all. New research has shown that "third hand smoke" on skin, clothes, hair etc is almost as harmful as second hand smoke. Just being in the same room as a smoker does damage, and children are especially vulnerable.
CaptainMyCaptain · 15/01/2021 19:05

@BeautifulandWilfulandDead

I had this growing up and I do see your point. It was a different time however and people didn't have the information they have now, so it's a bit harsh to judge them in today's standards!
I don't know how old the OP's parents are but I'm in my mid 60s and the harm of smoking (to the smoker at least) was well known when I was a teenager. There were people who didn't want to believe it but the information was well publicised. I've never smoked, some of my friends are ex smokers but none smoke now.
WhySoSensitive · 15/01/2021 19:07

It’s quite over the top to not let them see your children.
My parents smoke, heavy smokers too. Anything they give us even if brand new is washed or thoroughly cleaned before use.
They’re still involved in my sons life, wouldn’t dream of stopping them seeing him just because they smoke.

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/01/2021 19:08
Biscuit
user1493413286 · 15/01/2021 19:08

@Ohalrightthen I looked this up and I don’t disagree although research is minimal but there’s the risk of third hand smoke from teachers, childcare workers and various people you come across in life as well as a million other risks you come across each day.
I still maintain that unless there’s more of a backstory that it’s not proportionate to stop your DC seeing their grandparents due to smoking; there are many ways the risks can be reduced (only seeing each other outside for one), asking them to change clothes after smoking and before seeing DC.
And what about the positive effects of having a relationship with grandparents?

Ohalrightthen · 15/01/2021 19:09

@WhySoSensitive

It’s quite over the top to not let them see your children. My parents smoke, heavy smokers too. Anything they give us even if brand new is washed or thoroughly cleaned before use. They’re still involved in my sons life, wouldn’t dream of stopping them seeing him just because they smoke.
Unfortunately, just being in the same room as them does him damage, though. Research third hand smoke.
Ohalrightthen · 15/01/2021 19:11

[quote user1493413286]@Ohalrightthen I looked this up and I don’t disagree although research is minimal but there’s the risk of third hand smoke from teachers, childcare workers and various people you come across in life as well as a million other risks you come across each day.
I still maintain that unless there’s more of a backstory that it’s not proportionate to stop your DC seeing their grandparents due to smoking; there are many ways the risks can be reduced (only seeing each other outside for one), asking them to change clothes after smoking and before seeing DC.
And what about the positive effects of having a relationship with grandparents?[/quote]
Im not sure there are many positives to having a relationship with people who believe that the health risks of smoking are "baloney" - that speaks to truly terrible judgement, to my mind, and not the sort of "reasoning" I'd want my children exposed to.

Being blood related isn't a good enough reason to have a relationship with someone, in my opinion.

LastTrainEast · 15/01/2021 19:14

Fourth hand smoke is the worst. That's where someone tells you on the phone that they saw someone smoking and you get a bad reaction and have to lie down.

Good thing no one drives a car any more as those things will kill you and people used to actually put children in them and even park near schools.

Stovetopespresso · 15/01/2021 19:17

ergh I remember my mum smoking while breastfeeding my lite sister!! she now shivers at the memory (I can't remember how it came up) . I smoked when I grew up, research shows kids of smokers are more likely to smoke. weirdly that same little sister tried to tell me I couldn't hold her dd1 as I had had a fag outside. it is a curse but then again people are physically addicted. its the lack of examination of their behaviour which is raddling you maybe? there's another thread about can do vs cant do on here which might be relevant (might not be though) but some people will go to any lengths to defend their behaviour which is fundamentally their identity

Stovetopespresso · 15/01/2021 19:18

little not lite. ffs autocorrect

NovemberR · 15/01/2021 19:18

Jesus.

Your parents were smokers, who didn't smoke inside and gave you almost everything you wanted. That's their crime?

Give your head a wobble! A lot of people had really difficult and abusive upbringings. I grew up in the 60s and 70s and everybody I knew (including myself) had parents who smoked. Indoors.

We should all clearly be traumatised and have cut them out of our lives.

Conundrumdrum · 15/01/2021 19:21

I'm with you 100%. They can see their grandchildren when they no longer stink.

Morana23 · 15/01/2021 19:23

@LastTrainEast

Fourth hand smoke is the worst. That's where someone tells you on the phone that they saw someone smoking and you get a bad reaction and have to lie down.

Good thing no one drives a car any more as those things will kill you and people used to actually put children in them and even park near schools.

Grin
Diverseduvet · 15/01/2021 19:25

I smoke, but not inside and my clothes go no where near the smoke. I clean my phone case etc everyday, as well as my hair, skin etc. I dont believe any child is affected by my smoking because theres no trace of it when I come into contact with them.

yearinyearout · 15/01/2021 19:30

My parents smoked when I was growing up, but have always respected my views about it regarding my own dc, they've never smoked around them and stopped smoking indoors years ago (neither of them smoke now, they use vapes).

I think it's a bit harsh banning them from the house though, surely they could visit but not smoke?

Looneytune253 · 15/01/2021 19:31

Is there more to this? It was quite normal to smoke inside the home back in the day. I think you're being overly harsh on your parents and of course they're not gonna think they're bad parents just for that if they did everything else.