To be pissed off

[1950s1]

Not sure what I'm asking but I just want to complain. My parents are smokers and were throughout my childhood. They didn't smoke inside but it would stick to them and then the furniture. They smoked atleast once an hour usually more. If I wanted to open my window the smoke would come in from the outside. The garden was littered with ciggarete butts. The stench would stick to the car interior and it was hard to breathe as they demanded that the windows remained closed as it was too cold for them. My drying clothes would stink and they were hung outside where they would smoke or drying by the fire where they would usually sit. So my towels would stink of it making me stink of it too after a shower. They were and still are to this day admant that ciggaretes haven't harmed me health wise (they've seen the advertisements on the packaging they are somehow convinced that the scientific proof is baloney) and that I need to be concerened about the big factories and they don't see me telling off everyone driving a diesel/petrol car. They think they're the best parents because I got almost everything that I wanted as a child and don't understand why I wont let them visit the house or my children,

There are some seriously judgmental, neurotic people on mn!! If you had good parents who raised you well, kept you fed and clothed then you are out of order to effectively blackmail them into doing as you wish!

@Diverseduvet unless you smoke naked, your clothes do go near the smoke. The chemicals are on the clothes you wear whilst smoking, on your hair and skin.

@LastTrainEast 🤣

@NovemberR well said!

Fourth hand smoke is the worst. That's where someone tells you on the phone that they saw someone smoking and you get a bad reaction and have to lie down

😂😂😂 I wouldn't even allow someone to say the word smoking to me. Studies say it's just as harmful, look it up.

My husbands smokes which is horrible, but I obviously cant make his choices for him.
He smokes out back, away from the door, with a hoodie on, takes it off when he gets in, washes hands and will have to wait 20mins (current advice) before holding baby when hes born, or cuddling our toddler.

@Ohalrightthen you can’t see that their smoking and d denial of the effects is one part of them and they may (or may not) have lots of other good qualities?
Being blood related may not be a good enough reason for you but it means something to the majority of people

Oh and I think you're being ridiculous tbh. Its obviously a disgusting habit but to not have them in your DCs life because of it, is all a bit dramatic. Especially because they would not be smoking around the children. You could even tell them not to smoke before their visit, many ways round it.

Can you not let them visit on condition they don’t smoke for the duration?

Loathsome that smoking is, it's not an excuse to stop your parents visiting your children.
I think you're being too paranoid.
You can say that they're not allowed to smoke when they visit but smoke smells on their clothes is no worse than spraying bleach all over your kitchen, lighting fragranced candles , spraying your sofas with fabric spray , shaking powders on your carpets living on a main road ( which is probably worse!)

I think you need to look beyond third hand fag smells and look at creating a loving relationship.

Screwcorrona are you suggesting clothes which have been washed in a washing machine and dried in a smoke free environment still contain smoke?!

I’ve never heard of anyone keeping their kids away from their parents because they smoke....... can’t you just tell them to not smoke near or around them?

I have sibblings who were severely asthamatic which is why they made the decision not to smoke indoors. I have told them not to smoke whilst on my property, they disobeyed me the last time even though it was in the garden. When on an outing they smoked around them after having told them that the terms were that they wont if they want to see them and so I left immediately. They really don't see the issue.

'them' reffering to my dc

I totally understand where you are coming from op but .....I think you are being very ott about this.

Hmm on one hand I wouldn't ever let anyone around my DC when they were smoking, ever. When they were babies noone came near them who had been smoking (a couple of exdh family were extreme smokers ...I really mean extreme chain smokers and they couldn't be relied on to change their clothes etc. ) but in fairness DC had health issues at birth. I was extreme but I did need to be for them as babies.

Now , my df smoked until I was 14 , and he smoked in the house. In all honesty I don't hold that against him (there is a lot I do ....we have spent most of my life with a bad relationship...ironically amends have only be made since lockdown last year). In those days there was a lot less knowledge about smoking and df genuinely didn't know how harmful it was.

In his case he became seriously ill from smoking when I was 15 and quit.

Your level of vitriol is high though. I mean it was different years ago. It may not have been right but it wasn't the same as smoking around DC now.

I do actually understand laying down a boundary of they won't comply on your property but I would just hold the line calmly. No smoking on my property or I ask you to leave and I will see you elsewhere in future.

Holding it against them from your childhood is ridiculous. There will be many things we are doing now that will prove not to be right in 20 years. I would hope my DC at least understand I do my best with the knowledge I have now.

I suspect there has to be more to this.

Your last post almost sounds like a terms and conditions contract.

Now you've just made me read the smoking word. I've written it too. I'm off to throw my phone away.

To change a top, wash hands or wait 20 minutes after a fag would be too easy... let's deal with parents who gave everything to a child a different way and cut off contact. If you are concerned about your parents (who gave you everything), maybe read up on addiction and support and give them something back. You really have no idea how lucky you are. One day you will and hopefully not too late.

If they smoked outside in the garden - yes
No smoking in the house and I wouldn't visit their house if they were not willing to go outside during the visit.
It is difficult because it is almost bribery- however you and you dc's shouldn't have to suffer someone else's habit.
Because I felt the effects of being around adult smokers who smoked in confined spaces -
Vomiting, headaches bad sinuses
You don't want your dc's to experience the same.
My in-laws were extremely pig headed and couldn't understand my perspective so I became the 'problem' not the smoking.
It use to really upset me when I could smell cigarette smoke of my children when they were young so I understand- ultimately you have to do what's best for your dc's.

You are being massively OTT. Your children are around fumes that are harmful all the time. Your parents lingering smell of smoke in their clothes isn't likely to do much harm.

My parents smoked when I grew up in the seventies, my mother smoked through pregnancy. I have never smoked and I think it is disgusting. But you are being unnecessarily horrible to your parents and your children by preventing a relationship because they smoke (elsewhere). And no I don’t want to read anything on third hand smoke, I am 50 and have survived smoking parents less considerate than yours.

It is very easy when your own children are little to think "I am going to be a better parent than my own parents". But, there is plenty of time when they become adults themselves to repent!

Your children will be adults one day, and as you are judging your parents, they will judge you. And on balance, smoking parents seems less harmful than being kept from having a relationship with your own grandparents.

Beware.

I wouldn't be happy about them smoking around the kids when you've told them you don't want them too. It's quite a serious health risk and you're right to stand your ground. How have they responded when you've told them they can't see the kids unless they do as you've asked and not smoke around them?

@LastTrainEast 🤣🤣🤣