Overstepping parents

[Whatisthis543]

Cued from another thread. What are you stories of parents overstepping with their kids.

I’ll start...I once interviewed a first year uni student for an apprenticeship. Their mum came to the interview with them and sat in the waiting area. A bit weird anyway but ask I asked the student to come in to the interview room the mum started to follow, I had to ask them to wait outside as they honestly wanted to sit in on the interview to ‘ask questions’ that their DD hadn’t though of. Most bizarre!

How odd if the mother.

I’ve heard of this more than once re university interviews. A feature of helicopter parenting, presumably.

If I were the interviewer, TBH I wouldn’t be too impressed with a potential student who hadn’t got the balls/backbone to tell a parent firmly that they could do this on their own, thank you.

Oh getting, don't blame the student!
Look at how many men have been raised by emotional abusive parents and can't even ask their dm to be polite to their wife or back off over, boundary crossing grandparent ing!!

It's usually the same dynamic of unhealthy emotional abuse.

I work in a uni ( only new to the lecturing side of things) but I have numerous accounts of parents contacting lecturers because little Jimmy's grade didnt reflect the work he put in and other complaints of the same sort.
Having said that I missed a compulsory lab in my undergrad to attend a funeral. When I asked the undergrad office for permission to miss it they said I needed a letter from my mum stating that a family member had died.

agree with GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER - and however well the candidate interviewed, the incident would have influenced my judgement.

The fact that parents are expected to financially support adult offspring probably has contributed to the number of over invested parents.

I know a mum that turned up with her 18 year old DD for a part time job and uni interviews .She also considered selling her house and buying in the Uni town.

I worked in a hospital dept where we did shifts. One of the staff was newly qualified and it was discovered that on her night shifts she was getting her dm to come to work with her and sitting her in the staff room. For moral support!
What moral support the dm could give to a qualified professional doing technical work I have no idea.
That staff member didn’t last long.

When I was 19, I needed an operation under general anaesthetic. Same day discharge, but the hospital were very clear that I wouldn't be allowed home alone - someone needed to drive me, keep an eye on me for 24 hours after, etc - normal protocol.

This presented a major problem to my parents, because the operation date was the same as my brother's driving theory test - which he couldn't possibly attend alone. Brother is neurotypical, by the way - and the test centre was easily accessible by public transport (but the idea of a 17 year old taking a train unaccompanied was unthinkable). They were genuinely weighing up which one of us would have to manage without their support that day

@PowerslidePanda why couldn’t they take one of you each?

[quote PattyPan]@PowerslidePanda why couldn’t they take one of you each? [/quote]
Because the idea of my mum doing anything like that on her own is equally unthinkable!

My mum was like this as well. I remember when I was about sixteen I went to have my hair done and the hairdresser splashed hair dye on my top, accidentally and it came out in the wash but my mum went apeshit phoned the salon, kicked off and made a right scene. I was mortified and felt I couldn’t go back there again. This was one of many similar incidents.

When my brother split up with his long term girlfriend she interfered with that’s as well by messaging her and ‘trying to find out what was going on’. This was after DB had specifically asked her not to get involved. The relationship had simply run its course.

It’s easy to say why don’t you tell them to back off but when you grow up in this environment you normalise it and are often so ground down you don’t know how to.

@PowerslidePanda
I am aghast that one parent couldn't look after your brother and one look after you.
How did you manage ? How did your brother manage ?

@LadyEloise

@PowerslidePanda I am aghast that one parent couldn't look after your brother and one look after you. How did you manage ? How did your brother manage ?

They did, eventually, come to the right decision - and my brother managed absolutely fine.

Just remembered another one though - said brother is now in his 30s, and every single gift he's ever given anyone has been chosen, paid for and wrapped by my mum. Ditto cards - but he does at least write those himself.

My mum thinks it's marvellous that my DH is a "modern" man who does an equal share of childcare, housework, etc - yet she can't see that she's (still!) raising my brother to be the exact opposite. God help my future SIL, if I ever have one!

It’s easy to say why don’t you tell them to back off but when you grow up in this environment you normalise it and are often so ground down you don’t know how to.

Biscoff is right. Please read this those of you who think 18 year olds should just tell their parents this isn't acceptable. Then read the stately homes threads for some perspective.

My mum worked as a receptionist in our family doctor's surgery. The notifications came through for smear tests (this was when you got them from age 20).
My mum said to her colleague not to bother inviting me as I wasn't sexually active.
When she told me I was fucking furious and said that she had overstepped the mark. She bollocked me for answering back (I was almost 20).

I booked myself in for a smear and left home soon after.

Oh and I am 48 and she still tries unsuccessfully to interfere in my life

When I was 17-18 it was normal for parents to bring you to university interviews. And that was over 20 years ago now. Not go into the interview with you but wait with you until you were called etc. Quite often there’d be a tour as well with a few candidates and I remember most of them having parents there. So if my kids ever apply to university I would assume that I’d bring them to interviews. Is that not the done thing these days?

I do remember a colleague once telling me that when she’d been about 11 she’d had a fairly major operation and her mum hadn’t been with her in the hospital because ‘she couldn’t leave my brother.’ Said brother was about 7 and there was a dad on the scene and various relatives. I could not imagine my mum not being with me in that situation.

Usually in my old job (social worker) we had parents who were the opposite (didn't take responsibility for their DC) and social care had to intervene but very rarely we had the opposite, parents who were so interfering in the childs life it constituted emotional abuse. I have to say the main ones were parental alienation where on parent was so controlling they could not bare their child to be emotionally attached to anyone else and begrudged a parental relationship with the other parent or very religious parents. Lots of parents who interfered in the (perfectly legal and normal peer on peer) sex life of their dc to the point of putting cameras in DC bedrooms and getting unscrupulous medics to check if they were virgins (thankfully being outlawed now). It can be really damaging for the child.

I had a similar story, OP.

Back when I was 17 I went to a uni open day with a friend. It was a short flight away but still within the UK. We were both going to see about different courses but were going together, splitting up for various talks, then meeting back up for lunch/shopping/catching flight home.

Sitting on the bus from the airport to the uni... friend whips out a, I kid you not, itinenary for the day. And we're not talking a document with 'xxx talk - 12.00pm at x building'. A minute by minute, hour by hour itinerary. Lunch etc scheduled in. There was absolutely no need to baby her to that extent. I also laughed because she knew that her daughter was going with me but the bloody itinerary didn't even consider any of my talks or things I had to go to! It was if I was just there as the bloody hired help. Lunch etc overlapped when my talk was on, etc.

She was always an OTT mother (she definitely tried to live through her two daughters). She planned out her daughter's summers in the same way, right up until she started uni. She just couldn't let go.

When I was in uni (catered because I didn’t apply for self catered in enough time) desserts and chips were taken off the menu in the canteen because parents complained their (18 year old) children were gaining too much weight during freshers 🙄

I could give you lots of egs from my mother. I wasn't allowed to choose my own clothes for the day till a teenager (and heaven forbid if I wanted to put jeans on for eg church - others did but I wasn't allowed), not allowed a weekend job at 22 as I had to go to church, not being allowed to go to a cafe on a Sunday morning, the choice was stay home or church... No prizes for guessing she was, and is, highly religious! 😂

She wasn't in someway as bad as friends parents, who tried to tell me, at 19 and an experienced traveller, how I should spend time on holiday with their daughter. She was 18, I was a year older. I soon put a stop to that.

I knew a mum who insisted she needed to be poolside during her DDs swimming lessons. Incase she needed her hand holding during the lesson. While she was swimming.

A former friend had 2 dc. New build house. Garden a square of grass fully visible from the kitchen /dining room. Dc had be have shoes on to go out. And she had to be standing right next to wherever they were. Playhouse - she had to be at the door if they were playing. Dc under 10 but not toddlers! So having a chat /coffee meant in total earshot of her 2 dc and my 3! Did my head in!! All dc no sn/mobility issues.

The mother of a graduate recruit once rang me before his first day to ask if there was a canteen or if She should send him in with a packed lunch.

He was 22. I was his boss’s, boss’s boss. But. The only female in the chain of command.

My dad came with me to my interview for nurse training in 1971.
I think that it was requested by the hospital as I wasn't quite 18.
What an embarrassment.
He first offered the Matron (very soon to be Senior Nursing Officer) a cigarette which she politely declined but gave him an ashtray.
Then when I was asked the dreaded 'so why do you want to be a nurse' he answered 'because she doesn't like being a telephonist'. I'd spent my 'gap year' doing this to earn some money.
Cue polite chuckle from the interviewers and death stare from me.
Oh and I was accepted and dad so proud that he'd helped by lightening the atmosphere .