To love him but realise that it wouldn't work

[Londongirl887]

I am feeling quite sad this morning. I have the nicest man in my life that has so many qualities I love. But it's hitting me as each day goes by the future wouldn't be easy and that I can't really see how it could work.

He has a really bad back. So bad he's on opiates. That he cant take each day as advised because they make him a zombie. The drs said stop working a few years ago. He was early 40s and asked them what sort of life he would have being home alone taking them each day. Not mixing or earning money. Surviving on benefits.

He gets up everyday for work. Often Saturdays too. He works outside on large machines in allsorts of places. But when he has a day off he often seizes up and will take the tablets. Which knock him out. He wakes up spaced out. Then he feels sad and can have bad dreams and feel worried. Once they are out his system he's fine.

It's basically chronic bone pain and it won't get any better. I was on the phone to him in the night because I woke up and he messaged because he was feeling sick and was having bad dreams from the tablet he took yesterday. .

I got off the phone and I just realised how tough and unsure the future is. He's 13 years older than me. My kids are still young. I would love a future with him because we want so much of the same things. But I'm selfishly afraid of this situation. Not because his backs hurting. But because he's on the strongest most addictive tablets there are. It's only going to get worse for him isn't it? Then what?

What would you do in this situation? He often will say he won't take them anymore but he on average has to take them 2-3 times a month.

Is this someone you’ve posted about before? This sounds very familiar.

No it isn't? It's only really hitting me now and before I thought it wasn't an issue.

Can he retrain into a career that's less hard on his body?

Would that make a difference.

It sounds like you would face a life of doing things on your own. It does make a difference that your kids are young.

Are you looking for permission to end things? Because you can....

Did you post about this the other day? If so, he was awful to you!

If not, no I wouldn't get involved with him. The problem isn't going to go away.

He was early 40s when diagnosed? How old is he now?

It’s really tough that he’s got this injury but he’s just carried on in a physical job - for how many years? Why has he not tried to find a job that is less physical where he could rest more? That would bother me more than anything else, an inability or unwillingness to make lifestyle changes including employment to account for his injury.

No, walk away. He isn’t your responsibility.
Please think of your kids, you need to put them first.

I haven't posted the other day?

He's 6 years older now. He needs the money is why he's carried on. His job pays a decent wage. I understand it because my dad had back surgery and also had to ignore the drs advice to stop. Because he couldn't live of a smaller wage.

I'm happy with everything we have but this is niggling away at me. He's a really nice man but I fear he won't be able to handle or keep up with us. Plus I worry how tough it could get for him and that I'd not be able to support him.

Taking opiate based pain relief twice a month is not an addiction. He's not an addict.

He sounds great, getting on with life despite his difficulties. A physical job probably suits him far better because he seizes up due to inactivity.

Thousands of people take opiate based pain relief to manage chronic pain and it enables them to live life "normally". It's an addiction when a patient experiences severe withdrawal symptoms when a daily dose is missed and when the patient craves increased doses to recapture the "woozy" effects.

The fact that the tablets affect him to such a degree suggest he has no tolerance to them, i.e. he's not taking them regularly enough to form a reliance on them.

What is his prognosis? Will he degenerate quickly say over the next ten years?

What is his actual diagnosis? The ‘won’t get better’ is very pessimistic, in my experience back pain can indeed get better. Most non malignant back pain is neuroplastic. I would suggest the work of Dr John Sarno might be helpful.

@SmileyClare

He's got about six different issues with it. He had an operation as he couldn't walk due to the pain. But that's shortened him two inches. His backs broken. The bone at the bottom moves. There's two other issues with it that I can't remember the name of. They've told him he has a high pain threshold. He's tried absolutely every tablet going for the pain and nothing touches it.

He takes 5mg of what he has and it does nothing. But if he takes 10mg it knocks him out and gives him awful side effects.

He is supposed to take them every 12 hours. But the gp isn't considering his age. The need to live and earn money. So he's learned to suffer and take them when he's desperate.

He earns £150-£300 a day on average doing what he does. He needs work and socialising for his happiness. I totally get that. He's incredibly strong and even when he's in absolute agony he somehow can continue to be kind and caring and keep going. It's basically the side effects. We don't live together yet. But he will call me or I'll call him and he just wants company as he wakes up feeling horrible from them. Nightmares. Feeling sick. Overthinking and worried. Just spaced out. They soon come out his system again.

I don't know exactly what will happen. He's sort of quoted conversations with the gp. So once he said to them. They are rubbish tablets. They don't allow me to be normal and live. Then he said to the Dr. Once my body is used to this strength what next? I just keep needing more and more and I'll be screwed when I'm 60?

He's also said to me in a normal chat that he hates taking tablets because he knows his back won't be getting any better.

Thank you for you different opinion and pov. It's kind of why I wrote on here to see what people see.

@WilsonMilson

I feel like surely there has to be more too. He's been to pain management clinics in the past. He's been told there's no more options now.

Has he asked for a referral to a pain management consultant? Debilitating pain can sometimes be managed rather than just taking opiates

I can’t see it working.

I'm actually really surprised he would be prescribed opiates in light of his job operating machinery? It's actually prohibited in most industries if an operator is taking opiates. They can remain in your system for long periods.

What is he prescribed? Short acting opiods will be metabolized quicker. Even so, he is supposed to declare any medication to employers.

It might be worth speaking to his doctor or consultant about his pain management plan. There are no magic treatments for chronic pain but he may be entitled to physio, hydrotherapy or other drug options.

Just to add. He's supposed to take 2 opiates in each day but tends to take one. Which doesn't do anything. So it's when he takes 2 on bad days he's suffering. So he is taken them most days but not the max

@SmileyClare

Hi. The drs just said to stop working. He's friends with his boss. He can't work when he's taken two. But tends to take them at night or not always at all. So he's always very alert at work. He will call his boss when he hurts more and he's always honest. His boss is very supportive and I think he understands how tough it is and wants to help him.

He said he's done well those things. He notices on his days off he's in more pain if he sits around. But it's winter and we all stay in more I guess.

Thanks again for your reply. It's refreshing to have a sensible response.

@Justcallmebebes
Yes he used to go to a pain management clinic. He seems to have covered alot of options already. He feels the gp has no time for him and expects him to just stop earning. Which is only going to leave him isolated and skint and depressed. He definitely needs to be able to function.

Hi OP, his concerns about mounting dependency are understandable, the idea that he needs to earn and be useful, have a purpose, are also totally understandable. Lots of people dislike taking meds. This is a tough one to unpick but what stands out for me is that he cannot go on as he is as that won't end anywhere better than the other scenarios he fears.
For you guys to have a chance of a decent relationship, he needs to make some decisions to help himself instead of burying his head in the sand. If he won't take those steps, then you're probably right, there's no future in this for you and your children.
He sounds like a nice guy, which makes it harder, but you need to address your future with him. Be honest, but preface it with the reason you are asking him to make changes (I.e. that you are trying to find a way to make your future work) or he'll just do the 'kicked puppy' thing that do many men are so inclined to do. All the best.

He's on oxycodone

Can he try cutting a pill in half and then he'd have 7.5mg? It might be enough to stop the pain without sedating him.

Ah just seen your update. It sounds tough for him. There's no right or wrong choice but don't stay out of guilt, obligation or pity.
You have to make the right choice for your children. I think you're being realistic to worry. Unfortunately it's impossible to predict the future. He may continues being able to work for another 15 yrs and manage his pain, he may end up registered disabled and unable to work.

There's never a guarantee that any partner you commit to will remain in good health and able bodied is there?

Perhaps you need to consider if your relationship is strong enough to survive him being more incapacitated or off work?
In practical terms, would it work financially? Benefits and help is available but let's be honest, government cuts have made disability benefit very difficult to live on. It's meagre.

@vintageyoda

Thank you. It's so true and I feel like we will need to have more talks. We've talked before about it. I've expresses concerns about his pain and little kids. He insists that it wont bother him. He says me and the kids will make him happy. I think it will be positive for him to have a family around him. He's actually funny and so random. I'm painting a bad picture here I guess. But he does struggle too.

I've always been confident that we can handle it. He deserves a life and to not be unwanted due to this. But when he's having a bad couple of days it kind of makes me worry about the reality of say ten years time. I've even worried the tablets will shorten his life.

Please don’t suggest he cuts one in half. Hopefully he knows the risks well enough not to do this!

I think choosing to enter / deepen a relationship with someone with a chronic medical issue is very different to supporting someone who develops one after you meet OP. If you have doubts (and I would as well) continue to take things slowly or rethink it,

What a difficult situation op. You obviously love him... but to what extent? Could you imagine life without him? You could become his carer in the not to distant future. But guilt or pity aren’t the right reasons to be with someone. Sorry no answer. Not sure there is one other than what you really want to do.

He deserves a life and to not be unwanted due to this.

Don't stay with him just because of the above statement.

Ok well oxycodone in liquid form leaves the system in about 5 hours. He is taking it daily then but at a low dose. Although oxycodone is addictive (highly abused recreationally; street name Hill Billy heroin), it shouldn't be a problem if taken as prescribed.

I understand his need to work. It's not just money is it, it's the social aspect, routine, sense of purpose and all tied up in his identity.

There is medication he can take alongside oxycodone that will suppress the side effects; dizziness, nausea etc.