To love him but realise that it wouldn't work

[Londongirl887]

I am feeling quite sad this morning. I have the nicest man in my life that has so many qualities I love. But it's hitting me as each day goes by the future wouldn't be easy and that I can't really see how it could work.

He has a really bad back. So bad he's on opiates. That he cant take each day as advised because they make him a zombie. The drs said stop working a few years ago. He was early 40s and asked them what sort of life he would have being home alone taking them each day. Not mixing or earning money. Surviving on benefits.

He gets up everyday for work. Often Saturdays too. He works outside on large machines in allsorts of places. But when he has a day off he often seizes up and will take the tablets. Which knock him out. He wakes up spaced out. Then he feels sad and can have bad dreams and feel worried. Once they are out his system he's fine.

It's basically chronic bone pain and it won't get any better. I was on the phone to him in the night because I woke up and he messaged because he was feeling sick and was having bad dreams from the tablet he took yesterday. .

I got off the phone and I just realised how tough and unsure the future is. He's 13 years older than me. My kids are still young. I would love a future with him because we want so much of the same things. But I'm selfishly afraid of this situation. Not because his backs hurting. But because he's on the strongest most addictive tablets there are. It's only going to get worse for him isn't it? Then what?

What would you do in this situation? He often will say he won't take them anymore but he on average has to take them 2-3 times a month.

Would him continuing living alone be an option for your relationship? It could remain as it is for the foreseeable future, with you living separately but having a sort of part time relationship.

Do you both want to commit to living together, being a family, him a permanent figure/step father in the dc's lives? Or would you consider a less committed relationship?

I feel for you, it's a tough decision whatever you choose.

@SmileyClare

I never thought about that and he's never mentioned it. I wonder if the gp has offered. I can always tell the difference in him by if he's taken that second one. He's never nasty. He's just down. Usually less jokey but still loving. So I can see he struggles.

You are so level headed in your replies too. He's actually taking a tablet form. You are absolutely correct. He is a sociable man who is used to working in a team of men. He is really skilled at what he does too and that's where the money is for him to survive. He wasn't and isn't ready to stop living yet and he's such a determined person.

Perhaps I need to just take my time and not panic about what could be ahead. I do love him and he's enriched my life in many ways. I am there for him on his hard day's. He doesn't like talking to men about it and I think he finds me comforting. He knows I'll call him day or night and I will. I'm definitely happy and prepared to support him. I just worry so much about if he gets worse and worse and I'm not able to manage everything.

I think we will be living seperately for at least the next year as we continue to be involved. My kids have a lovely dad too so they would spend time with both of us. So he would have days without my children. But he's certainly not said he wants any space. He said he would take himself off to another room if he was really bad. But he told me he's excited about us doing things like days out.

I feel like I'm overthinking things because of how he felt in the night. He had to be sick and then called me back. He said he hadn't been able to sleep because those tablets had caused him to have nightmares.

He's off work today too because of the weather. So I'm not sure how he is going to feel today. He definitely is at his happiest when he's at work busy. I can see without that he would be miserable actually.

Thanks again for your messages this morning. They have helped me.

I hear you, he sounds like someone I know. Life deals some crappy hands for people sometimes, it's so very unfair, and I can see that you feel genuine guilt for thinking of putting yourself first. You can only talk to him about it, see if he can hear your concerns without feeling hard done by.
Your happiness ( and that of you're family unit) is as important as his. It would be amazing if you could find a way forward but he needs to understand that it can't happen unless he takes some genuine steps to help himself.

So surely he is planning to move to another career which is less problenativ for his back?

I don't see how anyone else can advise you on this. You already sound very invested in his well being considering it's not a live in relationship. I couldn't be bothered with him phoning me when he feels strange and would be looking fir someone nearer my own age in good health, or someone 13 years older and already struggling physically in their forties. But that's just me.

My last suggestion is to ask to attend his next doctor's consultation with him? You might get a clearer idea of what he's dealing with, the long term effects and other options. At least you'll feel that you've educated yourself enough on his condition before making a choice.

I don't know if he works in a similar industry but my dh works on building sites and housing developments and there is a massive camaraderie amongst them. It's all he's known and he loves it.

He is also your typical blokey man who won't admit to any feelings at all amongst his friends and is very reluctant about seeing doctors, following doctor's advice, or seeking help with anything. It's a weird hang up about being "tough" I suppose.

I really sympathise. You're right, you can allow yourself some time to decide what you want to do. It's lovely that you can be his rock at times. He needs to be able to be your rock too though, if you ever needed it.

@vintageyoda

Thank you so much for your reply. Working hard all his life has resulted in this. You are right I am absolutely torn. I love him to bits and I don't like the idea of waking up one day not being able to talk to him or have a laugh. It is just weighing all this up. My kids will get older and it will get easier as the years. I guess my kids will be adults when he potentially could be at a worse stage.
I feel we could have some wonderful years together. But I know full well there will be hard days. I think I can handle it. But sometimes I wobble. But as you say talking us key. We need to keep talking and be real and take our time.

Thanks also for you reply. It's again helpful to read such a balanced reply

Only you can decide what you can live with - there's no easy answer here.

But honestly, you should push him hard to retrain for other work - there are more than two options of physical work or benefits. There's lots of things that can be done from home via a computer. It might not make as much money, but it would be better than what he'd get from benefits.

Has he tried alternative therapies at all? Acupuncture, reflexology, cranial osteopath? It's costly but so worth it if it can help. Also, has he tried yoga or Pilates? They are recommended for bad backs. Just thinking outside the box a bit - it could work well alongside/instead of his medication

To add to Eeeekims suggestions, has he tried a TENS machine? You know, like the ones you get offered in labour.

They're effective because they provide a mild electric current to a specific area with pads so the pain messages along the nerves are interrupted. That might give him relief in the evenings and obviously it's a drug free option. You can't really move much with it on though so it's really a short term fix for flare ups.

You can hire them I think if he wanted to try before buying.

Living with chronic pain is tough and there is no fix really but there might be options to help manage it he hasn't tried.

If I was a single parent I would not make a commitment to someone who was vulnerable in this way and would very likely need care at some point, or at least would put big compromises on my own lifestyle.

Not for my sake, but because I would not want to be in a position where I was the main/only support system for both partner and children.

BUT - you're right - it will get easier as they get older.

Your happiness is the most important thing. Personally, I wouldn't continue the relationship, that's not the kind of old age I want. If my DP develops problems, yes I would 100% stick by him and care for him. But I wouldn't start a relationship with someone who already has such extensive issues. And what if you need help in the future? He won't be able to care for you, think about that too.