Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to know how to reply to this text

39 replies

ReadingSurgery · 15/01/2021 01:31

A friend I haven’t seen since before the pandemic has been trying to get in contact with me for a while. Just checking in with me, asking how I am. I’m really struggling to know how to reply. She’s the sort of friend that I don’t want to just fob off with a vague “all good here thanks, how are you?” but I’m really not sure how to reply to her.
I’ve found this last year quite tough and was prescribed antidepressants about two months ago. I am starting to feel a little bit better, but only to a “just about able to keep my head above water” level rather than the way I was really struggling before. I’ve been avoiding replying to her just because it feels really difficult, I don’t know why. I think because I trust her so want to be honest with her but also a way that I’m coping at the minute is to just get on with what I have to do at home with my family and work and not really deal with anything outside of that. I really appreciate that she’s texted me, multiple times, even though I haven’t replied. I feel bad that I haven’t and she’s probably worried. But for some reason it just feels a bit scary and difficult at the minute and I’m not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2021 01:41

Reply and keep it light at first. If you continue to keep in touch, you can then confide in her at a more appropriate time.

timeisnotaline · 15/01/2021 01:42

Hey sorry I haven’t replied. Honestly it’s been really tough but I’m hanging in there. Appreciate your message and I hope things get better soon.

Orlania · 15/01/2021 01:45

Id just say it's been tough because of lockdown, but things are getting better, and that you'll be in touch soon when you're ready for a catch-up. I'm sure she'd rather just hear something from you so that she knows you are ok.

Sassysally12 · 15/01/2021 01:45

Can you ring her? I wouldn’t not reply OP especially if she’s tried a few times, she’s probably panicking wondering if she has upset you. Also, what if she needs you? I would reply brief but be honest “ Sorry I haven’t replied yet I haven’t wanted to fob you off with a quick yes I’m fine because to be honest I’m having a really tough time in all of this, finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I do really appreciate you and your messages , how are you?

CoRhona · 15/01/2021 01:45

Hi x, great to hear from you. It's been tough but things hopefully improving. Hope all ok with you and yours. Will be in touch xx

MLMsuperfan · 15/01/2021 01:52

"Things are difficult but I'm surviving. How are you?"

sortmylifeoutplease · 15/01/2021 01:55

A few years ago, I had a friend who I see every few months go off radar. I contacted her several times over a year and didn't hear anything. First I was concerned, but then felt a bit embarrassed and thought I was being ghosted and racked my brains as to what had happened. She eventually got in touch and it turned out she'd gone through a whole heap of stuff and had a breakdown. I'd do what PPs have said and call or text, letting her know things aren't great but that you'll contact her when you're ready. Good luck OP.

partyatthepalace · 15/01/2021 02:04

@timeisnotaline

Hey sorry I haven’t replied. Honestly it’s been really tough but I’m hanging in there. Appreciate your message and I hope things get better soon.
Something like this.

You do need to reply.

HannaYeah · 15/01/2021 02:28

I agree with the suggestion to ring her.

Or else reply and set up a time to talk.

Text isn’t great for important things and feelings.

TooManyKidsSendHelp · 15/01/2021 03:06

Tell the truth. Apologise for not replying sooner, explain it's because you didn't know what to say because things have been really tough. Then I would arrange a phone call/zoom so you can talk properly.

Coyoacan · 15/01/2021 04:06

I think you should take what you have written here , just change it enough to address it to her and send it. You express yourself very well.

Keep on keeping on. It's been a hard year for us all, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Opticabbage · 15/01/2021 04:12

I feel sad for her. She may be suffering too and trying to connect, as are so many at the moment. If you aren't fully comfortable talking about yourself, at least check in on her.

BeanieB2020 · 15/01/2021 05:04

Be honest. Tell her you haven't been responding because things have been hard. It's best to say something than to ignore her. If you trust her and she's a good friend, it's not really OK to ignore her messages unless you don't value her friendship. She's checking up on you. That's a valuable thing. So many people don't have anyone who cares like that. Please respond to her and let her know what's going on.

LegoVsFoot · 15/01/2021 05:18

Agree with what other people have said re just a short message - hey, alright thanks, but been pretty tough tbh, how are you - and then you can have a longer conversation. IMO we tend to overthink these things but if someone sent that to me I would just be happy they replied and continue the conversation. When you do reply you'll feel better and it will be easier. GL

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/01/2021 05:26

@timeisnotaline

Hey sorry I haven’t replied. Honestly it’s been really tough but I’m hanging in there. Appreciate your message and I hope things get better soon.
This is a really good option.

I imagine she's trying to be a good friend and check you're ok - and you not replying is just compounding her feelings, so a quick response would hopefully alleviate her continual textings.

thegreedycateropillar · 15/01/2021 05:39

You know what's it's like, lockdown is tough on us all. Hope you are getting by too x

namechangealerttt · 15/01/2021 06:31

Just reply, your friend obviously really cares about you if she keeps sending messages when you don't reply.

I have a friend like you, I keep sending messages when I get no response. I even sent her a message once that I would keep sending messages because I saw the green ticks (WhatsApp) so I knew she was there. When she finally replied, she told me she had a breakdown. I didn't care she never sent me messages in the intervening period, I was just so happy to hear from her.

Thehop · 15/01/2021 06:33

Reply with exactly what you’ve told us

“I’m sorry I haven’t replied, I struggled a bit at first but really appreciated your messages. I’m just cracking on with keeping myself busy at home really and trying not to worry about what’s past the front door. How are you managing?”

inquietant · 15/01/2021 06:37

@Opticabbage

I feel sad for her. She may be suffering too and trying to connect, as are so many at the moment. If you aren't fully comfortable talking about yourself, at least check in on her.
Very supportive guilt trip Hmm
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/01/2021 06:52

I agree with letting her know you're surviving, and will make contact soon when you feel up to it.
I know that when you're depressed, arranging calls can be a pressure, and an unnecessary one.

I've got in touch with a number of people over recent months where regular contact had dwindled - I certainly don't want to put anyone under pressure, but particularly if someone is on their own and may be feeling really isolated, I'd like to alleviate that if I can.
Some people it's been a one off text message, others a really nice rekindling of regular contact, one really desperate "can I text you every week so that you know I haven't died?" and a sad incident where someone had died a couple of years ago.

LudoTrouble · 15/01/2021 06:56

I often say "I've been quite up and down". Then they're able to ask follow up questions if they want which you can deflect or answer as you like.

Do reply! It's good to keep friends close at these times.

Cam2020 · 15/01/2021 07:04

I think your friend suspects all is not well if she keeps trying to inititiate contact. She is persisting, even though you haven't replied - that's a good friend you've got yourself there!

Tell her you're having a tough time and apologise for not getting back to her. You can wait and see how the conversation unfolds before you offer any more details.

It's worth exploring why you're feeling like you want to avoid being honest though - are you worried about how she'll view you or maybe how you'll see yourself? Do you feel like talking about your feelings will open up a can of worms and feelings you don't want to face? Sometimes telling people makes it all seem more 'real'.

cuckooclok · 15/01/2021 07:06

I agree you should consider that maybe your friend is struggling too and needs someone to talk to. Listening to other people's problems might put your own in perspective. It's very rude to just ignore.

Ansjovis · 15/01/2021 07:09

"How are you?" is such a tough question isn't it, especially when it comes from a friend and especially at this time. I don't blame you for having trouble with it. I think the previous suggestions are good: keep it simple, acknowledge that things are a bit tough at the moment, include some wording around how it's "difficult for everyone at the moment isn't it?" if you like (if I respond to "how are you" without including words to this effect I tend to get "well everyone's struggling" as a response, which is accurate but unhelpful as I'm not trying to sound self absorbed) and that you're pushing through, then ask how she is.

Somethingkindaoooo · 15/01/2021 07:48

That sounds like a brush off.

Even if things are tough, I'm sure the OP can still manage to ask ' how are you'

For heaven's sake, the friend might be struggling too, and deserves some kindness