I need to chuck in the towel don't I?

[whatisforteamum]

After many tricky years with dh I threw myself into working 12 hr days for a few yrs.
His temper and lack of motivation was draining.
During lockdown he told aĺl and sundry I never cooked so I cooked everyday for us all.
Out went the ready meals.We walked everywhere and he went down from obese to overweight which was great as he had a HA yrs ago.
Back on furlough I started cooking everything, bread soup meals and cakes and did all the chores.
All I asked was him and d's to wash up between them.
Just because I was feeling they were taking me for granted.
Last night dh had two outbursts at me much to d's amazement.
Quite upsetting when the eve meal was the highlight of my day.
Unfair on adult d's too.
This has happened a few times.Im fairly sure he has put the stone back on he lost too.
If I had a chef cook for me I would be happy I even did his lunchbox.I may as well let him cook his own meals surely.

LTB.

Ltb

What are you getting out of the relationship?

Do you feel respected? Appreciated by anyone including your children? Do you feel they want you to be around for you not what you give them?

I honestly do think just by this small glimpse into your life that you aren't getting much out of this and need to have a think about the future and what you want from it. Do you want this for another 20/30/40 years? It's not going to change by itself so either you enforce the change or you just carry on.

What on earth are you doing with him?

It is really cringe when he rants then shuts himself in the bedròom.Previously he wouldn't even say thank you.
When I come home late I am grateful for any food bits.
I made it clear when he was redundant before I was grateful for all that he did.
The thing is I want to cook for d's who is more than grateful as he used to cook for himself .

If my dh told everyone I never cooked for him, then I'd bloody well take him at that and never cook for him again. I'm not sure what possessed you to try and prove him wrong.

From now onwards, if you won't leave, stop cooking and cleaning and washing his clothes. Lazy bastard

Ideal situation is you leave him

“You’ve enabled a dickhead so I think you’ve only got yourself to blame here”.

Harsh.

Fuck that!!

Why on earth are you with this turd?

He sounds like a lazy, ungrateful bully. Why would you put up with such shitty behaviour?

I vote LTB too. But if you can’t, then just stop. Stop doing anything at all for him until he learns some basic respect for you.

Th wearywithteens I haven't.
For decades we split the chores and childcare through my insistence.
He has had to pull the lionshare as I get home at 1030 pm.
I felt it would be nice to show some appreciation in return.
Also to get away from the high fat junk onto homemade fresh ingredients.

Does he currently work?

Oh op. This really sounds like it has run its course, don't you think? What's he adding to your life that's positive?

You sound miserable, poor thing .

You don't deserve to live like this. Who does he think he is to make you feel like this?

The comments are not harsh.I work in a kitchen and have had to grow a thick skin.
I feel sorry for d's who was buying new ingredients for me to show him how to cook.
In the absence of socialising he was looking forward to a hot meal.😢
Awkward with the grumpy old man though.

Yes he does work.There is no affection at all no recognition for a clean home and garden.No conversation.Up to his room with the tv on.He barely speaks to d's who is a lovely young man.
Dh did say my soups were lovely.i even said I would take food requests from them.

I don't class myself as a martyr.
I was just trying to help his health and introduce new produce while keeping something to look forward to for when they came home from work.

Leave him to have another heart attack.

You would be so much happier if it was just you and the DC.

May I ask what is keeping you there?

I honestly had a lightbulb moment at n yr.
I told him I won't go back to being second best to his mates.
Money.
The mortgage is paid though.
I don't remember the last time he was nice.
Mon I teased him about taking d's to see a car which he left too late and it was sold.
He told me to f##k off.Apologised reluctantly and insincerely when I pulled him up on it.

Jesus Christ OP, he's a horror.

Do it for your son, if not yourself.

You have given it your best shot OP. Sounds like DS gets little benefit from having him around.
Get your ducks in a row. Get legal advice. Then get out.

Life is too short and precious to waste it on him.

There is no affection at all no recognition for a clean home and garden.No conversation.Up to his room with the tv on.He barely speaks to d's who is a lovely young man.

I'd call time on this awful relationship.

I feel sorry for DS.I have asked dh to limit the rants in the evening.
One good thing is d's is polite,well groomed switched on kind of young man.
He hasn't filled his dfs example.!

He shutting himself off - he’s angry and stressed - I think there’s a chance you are both finding really stressful right now.

I’d schedule time together you/DS , him/DS, you/him with something that you both enjoy that allows conversation to flow around it.

A puzzle/boardgame - going for your one daily walk outside together and pass judgements on people’s front gardens/cars/door colours Like you are on bake off... whatever...

And after focusing on socialising and letting ready meals and a bit of mess happen... have a big tidy together and chat then talk about what meals you both like to make and bring up what you want in an explicit please do x - do you want him to say he appreciates your food? Do the washing up without compliant - focus more on time with you guys and

Have a good moan about how shit everything is outside your house like work and death- and caveat that with no fix its allowed. Just complain. It might help?