I need to chuck in the towel don't I?

[whatisforteamum]

After many tricky years with dh I threw myself into working 12 hr days for a few yrs.
His temper and lack of motivation was draining.
During lockdown he told aĺl and sundry I never cooked so I cooked everyday for us all.
Out went the ready meals.We walked everywhere and he went down from obese to overweight which was great as he had a HA yrs ago.
Back on furlough I started cooking everything, bread soup meals and cakes and did all the chores.
All I asked was him and d's to wash up between them.
Just because I was feeling they were taking me for granted.
Last night dh had two outbursts at me much to d's amazement.
Quite upsetting when the eve meal was the highlight of my day.
Unfair on adult d's too.
This has happened a few times.Im fairly sure he has put the stone back on he lost too.
If I had a chef cook for me I would be happy I even did his lunchbox.I may as well let him cook his own meals surely.

Please chuck in the towel, the pot, and the kitchen sink!

@MrDinklesOhSnap

“You’ve enabled a dickhead so I think you’ve only got yourself to blame here”.

Harsh.

But kinda true from the info first given.

Don't pander to him and his outbursts anymore, OP.

Why oh why did you take it on yourself to start cooking for your whole household just because DH told some people you don't cook? Sounds like you've made a rod for your own back.

Having said that - his reaction is completely unreasonable and of course YANBU.

I'd assess if I really wanted to stay in the marriage, but either way - go back to doing quick easy ready meals, and if your adult children are living with you for goodness sake get a cooking rota going. DH and I stayed with my parents for the whole first lockdown along with my adult sister and we rotated who cooked the evening meals - and whoever cooked didn't wash up. We also had a cleaning rota.

OP I have a feeling I've read previous threads of yours on this topic and this isn't the first time you've posted about him being ungrateful and entitled. Am I wrong?

So it isn't something that can just be put down to the stresses of lockdown.

I genuinely don't see the point of being in a relationship like this where there's no engagement, no support and no affection. I firmly believe women are much better off on their own without pandering to the needs of someone who doesn't give anything back.

Unclear from your post if your DS is his DS as well: that complicates things somewhat but its clear from this and your posting history that you have put up with this for a long time. You have to ask yourself what value you are going to derive from spending the rest of your life with an entitled, ungrateful and lazy bully.

You don't have to stand for being told to fuck off from a stranger, let alone your own husband. It sounds like he's developed a certain level of contempt for both of you.

Have a think about whether this relationship takes more from you than it gives.

Really want to spend the rest of your life with this arsehole?

I'd certainly pass.

I started cooking everything, bread, soup meals and cakes and did all the chores

Why? Don’t enable him. Get rid.

Do you want to see your life out with this unpleasant man?

You don't need him... he certainly doesn't seem to get much joy out of being part of a family... he has no right to speak to you the way he does... why put effort and love into making life nicer for someone so contemptuous and selfish in return?

Your children are grown.

They'll soon be with their own families... you'll be left staring at him.

If you're financially sound, NOW is the time to leave and split the house proceeds, because you're still young enough to get a small mortgage if you need to...

You only get one life!

You've been posting about this cunt for as long as I've been on mumsnet.

You're a martyr, he's a cunt. You've used as excuses for not leaving him:
Your parent's illness
Your parent's death
His illness
You just changing/looking for new jobs
Your DD's exams
Your DS's exams

You hate your husband. Your husband hates you. You don't have sex. You don't communicate. You don't work as a team. Your kids are going to repeat this toxic, destructive dynamic in their own relationships. UNLESS you pull your big girl pants on and leave. It's still not too late.

Sorry, but please stop enabling these men and caring what they say about you. Both of them. Your son and DH.
They have the same ability as you to buy and cook food. Most of the successful chefs in the world are men. Step back and work out what your anger and frustration is really about. What do you really want to do with your life?

You're a martyr, he's a cunt

Sums it up perfectly!

Diana t my son is not an issue.

He is a terrible, terrible man. And lucky his son is a lovely, lovely man.

No wonder many men like their mother more than their wife.

Your poor children.

This is the template you have given them for their future.

Jesus, so sad, for them.

Blimey one minute I am asking if I should stop cooking tea which I did the last two days the next I am a bad parent.
My daughter is mid twenties and in a happy relationship miles away she left home yrs ago.
Not everyone can start a new life when the person they marry becomes angry or grumpy.
Some of us are on lower wages and now furloughed.
We are sharing the cooking he is doing the weekends and Friday.

Well it appears he just can't control his outbursts!
As discussed I cook in the week he washes up.He was doing burgers that I don't eat anyway as I had treated my long hair and didn't want to stick of onions for once.
He shouted and swore in front of d's at me then said he had been to work today.!!
I was hoovering and cleaning the rabbit hutch so no excuse really.
Sadly I don't have work to escape to.

OP no-one is seeking to minimise the fact that you're in a difficult position: many of us have been in the same or similar situations. It's shit and its a challenge.

It's just that when someone repeatedly posts the same complaints about something and fails to address the root cause of it over a period of many years, despite lots of very good and targeted advice, people get tired and frustrated and lose the will to help.

It would be hard to leave but if you really put your mind to it you could do it, there are resources available to you: Women's Aid for example. You would be entitled to some benefits.

You need to step back and see the big picture here: you're not going to be able to deal with the constant low-level irritation and resentment unless and until you leave him and there's no point coming back every few months with a drip-feed of complaints when you won't look at the underlying cause of it: your DH is an entitled and abusive arsehole.

If you are committed to actually facing this and tackling it there will be an army of people on here who will have your back and will support you in all kinds of ways. But you can't expect to keep coming back and moaning in perpetuity if you're not prepared to help yourself.

Think of it as a choice: you have two paths to go down in order to make the best of the rest of your life. You know that the path which involves staying put will at best lead to your putting up with seething resentment and frustration. The other path is uncertain and probably difficult but it offers you a chance of real freedom, a better life for you and a more positive example for your children. Its up to you to actually deal with it though.