Its just suddenly hit me...

[Loveeemydd]

I've literally got no one.

I'm a single mum to my DD who is nearly 7.

My mum died a couple of years ago and my dad lives 2 hours away with my step mum. Not close to my siblings.

I can't think of a friend who I would turn to in crisis. I've not got any friends who would randomly message me something funny. I've not got a friend who would tag me in a funny meme on FB. Ive not got a friend who I can rant to and have a giggle with about men and the dates I've been on. I've got no ones shoulder to cry on when I feel low.

I speak to the mums up the school, but I'm literally friends with them cos my child is friends with their child.

My supposingly best friend from school didn't even wish me a happy birthday which wad just before Christmas, and when she found out my mum died, she didn't even message me. When she next saw me she said she couldn't cope with messaging me as she can't deal with death, I'm like but it's my mum?

I feel so low.

@WiseOwlRelaxing

Also, only ''alpha'' people will invite single people along. When you get to the age where everybody is coupled up, it takes somebody quite brave and comfortable in themselves who doesn't care what anybody else thinks to invite a single person. To have [gasp] an odd number of guests! Shocking that that is shocking but that is what I've found. The charismatic people who know they'll always be well-liked will include you (in small ways, big ways) but the vast majority of coupled up women will think ''will people think I'm creating trouble here inviting a single woman when that's not what the others have ever done. we all know her, we all like her, it's just............... oh well, I won't invite her, i'll just do what I normally do and no eyebrows will be raised''.

:-/

As you get older though, there's less emphasis placed on the family I think. People's kids grow up and leave home and it swings back to who you are as an individual again. That's my perception. Could be wrong.

I haven't found this at all. If I am organising something I don't do it by couples. I often have various single people on my guest list. Wouldn't have occurred to me not to and didn't realise it was unusual. Why would an odd number of guests matter?

Is this an old fashioned thing?

Sorry to hear about your Mum and that you're feeling so low, Loveeemydd. The pandemic makes everything worse.

Do try the many good suggestions on this thread, especially volunteering and joining groups (eg around a hobby or something that interests you), if you can possibly make the time.

And focus on giving your daughter the best time she can possibly have during a pandemic -- not by spending lots of money but by going out to all the interesting places you can find and doing fun activities with her. It will lift your spirits as well as hers. And you may even make new friends through these activities.

Best of luck,

Sorry to hear about your mum. Grief can be very isolating- there are some great bereavement groups on Facebook etc which do Zoom calls too ect - it might help to talk with people who understand what you are going though?

You can always make new friends. I'm sure a lot of the other mums feel the same way and would love to strengthen the bond. It's very hard at the moment but I wonder if you could arrange a coffee date or something to help bring you closer once covid calms?

Alternatively perhaps you could look into taking up a new hobby locally - perhaps even online Yoga right now? Its a great way to make new friends. MeetUp is a great place to find groups around common interests too.

I think we all get to points in our life where we've drifted apart from old friends or find ourselves in a new place - you need to cultivate some new friendships and there will be lots of people in similar situations whi will jump at the chance.

Be kind to yourself OP this lockdown is such a trying time.

When I lived in a small village I only had one friend. Now I live in a larger town, I have several friends and numerous acquaintances. I used to think it was something to do with me but it’s just a numbers game. Be open to meeting new people in as many ways as possible, other mums, hobbies, gym, church etc. enjoy them as acquaintances and don’t force it and and eventually some will naturally become closer friends. Obviously this will be easier after lockdown but you could join Facebook groups with mutual interests.

Loveeemydd so sorry you lost your mum and sorry your friend is not much help. It's so hard but it is possible to make new friends. Join some on line support networks and make friends that way.

I did it yesterday. My dd is a teenager and had a medical condition, I joined an on line support group and they have already come up with some helpful ideas. They are not best friends but the friendships could grow.

@Serin

Those women that you talk to outside school, who have kids that are friendly with your daughter?Cultivate them. 20 years down the line, they are my absolute best friends in the world. Friendships are fluid and evolve, you and your best mate from school have clearly grown apart, and she sounds like a waste of space. Be extra nice to all the new people you will meet post lockdown, take an Interest in them, ask them over to yours or out for a coffee. Then tell them that you have had a lovely time and make another date to meet again. Look at volunteering opportunities, things like Brownies or Cubs? So that DD can come as well if you have no one to babysit. Local churches (even if you are not particularly religious) are often quite social places too and are great for meeting people that might become friends. If you have transport, you could look at new hobbies as well, there is a community garden near us and a sailing club that welcomes children, or anything that interests you! Even if you font end up making anewbestie, you get to learn a new skill.

This

My mum used to say friendship is like a game of tennis. You just have to keep batting the ball back over the net. If one side doesn’t bat the ball back the game ends. Same with friends.

Don’t wait for somebody to message you. Send them a message. Give them a Chocolate bar (something small few pence so it’s just a gesture they can reciprocated ) ask how THEY are, be interested in their reply. Never bitch about others. Be happy, smile and find something happy to laugh at. Send them postcards - just thinking of you, reminds me of you, sort of thing. Get a birthday book or alert on phone to remember significant birthdays etc.

In no time you will be the popular one because you have made an effort. It doesn’t happen overnight it takes time.

@RedskyBynight

I think a lot of people have more acquaintances (the mums at school in your case) than friends. However sometimes these acquaintances become friends and sometimes they don't become friends but will offer practical support (look after your DD in an emergency for example). I'm not sure that the nice story book ideal of close extended family and a few close friends you share everything with is at all the norm these days. More and more my social contacts are virtual. Sometime advice from a stranger is as valid as advice from a friend.

I agree with this. I’m a ‘school mum friend’ with many people but if I knew someone needed help I’d be there. In first lockdown a mum put on how lonely she was and I left a little gift for her on my walk, I now make more effort with her and we do get on but I would never have known if it hadn’t been for the class WhatsApp.

I realise that this is making you sad, and that makes sense, but what I also understand from your post is that you have been successfully managing your life for quite some time before realising that you have a dearth of friends right now.

This is something that many people couldn't handle for an hour, let alone a day, a week, or an extended period.

You have some formidable strength, OP. Friends can come and go. It's a bit like chocolate. Found you don't have any? want some? Go get some.

There's a billion online groups at the moment. What are you interested in? What would you like to learn? Show up at some groups. You'll meet people. My closest friend and I knew we were going to be close the second we laid eyes on each other. It doesn't always take forever. Life turns on a sixpence.

There are sometimes local friends groups on facebook...

Maybe worth a look

So sorry that you feel this way. I hope that you can take some encouragement from this thread; you reached out and people responded. It can work like that in real life too. I have friends who were once just the parents of my DS's friends or who were just colleagues. All friendships have to start somewhere, but they can evolve.

Yes this is me too. My husband died and everyone buggered off at that point. My best friend who I knee since school got upset because i couldn’t commit to her 40th birthday weekend as I don’t have childcare as my husband would have normally looked after he children. I figured I don’t need friends like that though. Grief is lonely , we don’t talk about death so no one knows what to say. What I have found to work at work is to try and normalise it.
So I will very normally talk about my husband and the fact he died. When people say sorry I tell them
Not to be and I’m quite happy to talk about it should they want to ask something.

Thank you for all your messages, I have been reading them all today. I will post a proper reply once I've had time to sit down when DD is in bed. I still feel awful and down.

I'm really sorry @Loveeemydd (and @Fcuk38 too) - I wish I could say or do something to help. The best I can do is to say it's ok to feel shit sometimes. Life can be tough xxxx