Its just suddenly hit me...

[Loveeemydd]

I've literally got no one.

I'm a single mum to my DD who is nearly 7.

My mum died a couple of years ago and my dad lives 2 hours away with my step mum. Not close to my siblings.

I can't think of a friend who I would turn to in crisis. I've not got any friends who would randomly message me something funny. I've not got a friend who would tag me in a funny meme on FB. Ive not got a friend who I can rant to and have a giggle with about men and the dates I've been on. I've got no ones shoulder to cry on when I feel low.

I speak to the mums up the school, but I'm literally friends with them cos my child is friends with their child.

My supposingly best friend from school didn't even wish me a happy birthday which wad just before Christmas, and when she found out my mum died, she didn't even message me. When she next saw me she said she couldn't cope with messaging me as she can't deal with death, I'm like but it's my mum?

I feel so low.

@Loveeemydd I also wanted to add that you are not alone, as there are lots of people who have very few - if any - people they can depend on.

It's very hard..... I wish you well, and hope things get better for you soon....

Friends are over rated imo. I used to have very close friends (10+ years).

1 moved away and didn't bother to keep in touch.
1 slept with my (then) husband.
1 tried to seduce my (then) husband in front of me.
3 didn't bother to check I was okay when I divorced.
1 was a raging alcoholic who almost drained the life out of me.
1 attacked me because someone she fancied, fancied me.

I am now in a different town and married to a lovely man. I don't speak to any of them now (much), however, I do have a best friend who I trust with my life : my adult daughter. And one day you will have that also.

I think it's more common than you think. Being a single parent you're in the worst placed situation to go out and make friends. My teens are finally getting to the stage where I can hopefully, at some point, go out and make friends. I am 50 now though and they say it's harder as you get older. Maybe, I'm not convinced.

The thing about groups for single parents is they need to be categorised in to how long you've been single for. I dabbled in those groups when the DC were tiny and there was so much resentment at the excessive amount of responsibility, the financial worries, the loneliness, the fears, we all dumped on each other massively and so only revealed one side of ourselves to each other. But I would like to meet up with them again now 14 years on! Although they're probably most of them with somebody by now.

Sorry you feel so low op

'Those women that you talk to outside school, who have kids that are friendly with your daughter?Cultivate them. 20 years down the line, they are my absolute best friends in the world.'

Absolutely this. It is a perfect opportunity to make friends when you're all at the same stage and at least have dc in common. It’s a start.

I'm so sorry about your mum. You sound like you're going through an awful lot plus on top of that we're on lockdown.

Can you speak to someone professionally about your grief? A grief councillor, your GP. These things need to be talked about and if you feel like you don't have any friends to talk to this about it, it may be a good option.

I can identify with the friend thing too. I haven't spoken to my best friend in a couple of years and when my DS had an accident she didn't reach out. It hurts but there you go. I do live with my partner although we don't have the best of relationships either. I guess I just want you to go you're not alone in having these feelings.

Times are hard. Sending big hugs to you

Also, only ''alpha'' people will invite single people along. When you get to the age where everybody is coupled up, it takes somebody quite brave and comfortable in themselves who doesn't care what anybody else thinks to invite a single person. To have [gasp] an odd number of guests! Shocking that that is shocking but that is what I've found. The charismatic people who know they'll always be well-liked will include you (in small ways, big ways) but the vast majority of coupled up women will think ''will people think I'm creating trouble here inviting a single woman when that's not what the others have ever done. we all know her, we all like her, it's just............... oh well, I won't invite her, i'll just do what I normally do and no eyebrows will be raised''.

:-/

As you get older though, there's less emphasis placed on the family I think. People's kids grow up and leave home and it swings back to who you are as an individual again. That's my perception. Could be wrong.

I have noticed a website called Nextdoor which has groups and things on there, people locally might be somewhere helpful perhaps. To feel part of the community I mean.

I think this lockdown just makes it feel worse for many as our small interactions are taken away as well.

I miss things such as chatting to people at the gym classes for example as much as seeing general friends.

I also think there is a strange kind of loneliness being alone with a child for long periods of time. Sometimes it seems less lonely actually being on your own. Sorry if that sounds odd but just how it feels at times.

You’ve got us

You could meet someone else and have a whole in-law family and more children.
And as your daughter grows up a whole other world opens up. You could be the matriarch to Loveeemydd dynasty !
Then you’ll be back on here with threads about in-laws

Also, only ''alpha'' people will invite single people along. When you get to the age where everybody is coupled up, it takes somebody quite brave and comfortable in themselves who doesn't care what anybody else thinks to invite a single person. To have [gasp] an odd number of guests!

As if this year wasn't bad enough, we have accidentally travelled back to 1956.

Do you have any hobbies or interests? Are there any groups you could join? I have got really close to my knitting group over lockdown (including one new member) as we now have Zoom meet ups and a Whatsapp group.

I used to be in your situation. One thing that helped me was learning that most people only have space for 3-5 friends in their life. The people who have lived in an area for a long time will have those spaces filled. It’s not that they don’t like you, they just don’t need/have availability for new friends. Look out for the people who are new to your area and probably don’t have friends - they are the ones who will be available to become your friend.

Also, only ''alpha'' people will invite single people along. When you get to the age where everybody is coupled up, it takes somebody quite brave and comfortable in themselves who doesn't care what anybody else thinks to invite a single person

I'm married bit I do virtually no socialising in couples with DH, and neither do most of the women I know. I don't make friends with people on the basis of whether they are married or not ... how peculiar!

I'm so sorry about your mum OP. X

@WiseOwlRelaxing

Also, only ''alpha'' people will invite single people along. When you get to the age where everybody is coupled up, it takes somebody quite brave and comfortable in themselves who doesn't care what anybody else thinks to invite a single person. To have [gasp] an odd number of guests! Shocking that that is shocking but that is what I've found. The charismatic people who know they'll always be well-liked will include you (in small ways, big ways) but the vast majority of coupled up women will think ''will people think I'm creating trouble here inviting a single woman when that's not what the others have ever done. we all know her, we all like her, it's just............... oh well, I won't invite her, i'll just do what I normally do and no eyebrows will be raised''.

:-/

As you get older though, there's less emphasis placed on the family I think. People's kids grow up and leave home and it swings back to who you are as an individual again. That's my perception. Could be wrong.

Thanks. I needed a good laugh.

Can you find a chat group on here you would relate to just for a daily gossip? I like soap ones but plenty of words ones, fashion, diet or book groups. It’s not the same but you do get to know familiar faces and have a laugh.

Sorry you're feeling so alone and isolated OP and also sorry about your mum's passing I think PPs have given some good advice on how you can begin to build some friendships with new people once lockdown is over and until it is keep using MN for a moan/chat/laugh etc.

@SummerBlondey

I do have a best friend who I trust with my life : my adult daughter. And one day you will have that also.

What a lovely thing to say.

And I know what you mean. I have this also... A wonderful relationship with an amazing adult daughter who I adore.

Like you, I also had friends in the past who turned out to be flakey and useless (none went after my DH thankfully!) But they weren't great.

I have several friends who I can depend on now, but went a few years (maybe a decade) with no friends. I had 2 who I knew from childhood who lived 50 and 100 miles away, but they were too distant to help, (and worked full time.)

So although we messaged and wrote to each other quite a bit, and met up 3-4 times a year, I had no friends to depend on who were closeby, and very little family.

My neighbours were very insular too, and rarely spoke, and I never fit it with the school mums, OR the cliques at work, (where I was part-time,) as I was shy and fairly quiet. It's hard but it does pass, and things do get better.

I have these 2 long-time friends still, and I have a good friend who is in my village, (I met her when I moved here nearly a decade back,) and I have several neighbours who I can depend on in an emergency, who I class as friends too. Not super close, but still friends, as I know they'd help me if I needed it, and I would help them. In addition, we have a chat when we see each other, and also give each other a Christmas card and small gift, and I see them at the village pub a couple of times a month when me and DH go. (pre covid obvs!!)

As I said, things can and WILL get better.

I'm so sorry OP. Quite a few years ago when I was going through a truly awful crisis, knowing that I had a few people I could ring at any time during the day or night really helped me to cope, even though I'd rather not have taken them up on it. This awful pandemic is heightening feelings of loneliness. When times get back to normal (and they will) could you find a club of similarly like-minded people?

Virtually all of the friends I have who live nearby and who I share silly memes / rants with are people that I'm 'only' friends with because our children are friends - except the kids are teenagers now and have long moved on - our friendships grew because we came to have more in common, and shared a lot of things together. When circumstances force you to interact with people you don't know, like it or not, they are your new friends - fake it till you make it! Once lockdown is over, organise lots of playdates for your daughter, and be clear "it would nice to catch up so do pop in for a coffee at drop off or pick up". Or organise joint trips - why don't we take the girls to the park/pool/ zoo/town etc? It's a good age for doing stuff together.
In the short term is there a class whatsapp? Drop a comment about the week's homelearning maybe? See if anyone bites.
Any elderly neighbours who need a hand with a bit of shopping / pharmacy collections? My dad has become very fond of his neighbour who has helped him out a few times this year. They've lived next door for 20 years, but this year has really made him appreciate the relationship. Older people can be great friends - all that patience and wisdom
Your friend from school sounds like someone you used to know, not someone who is in your life right now, so whilst it might be nice to catch up now and then, it's not going to be a relationship you get much support from.

Oh OP. Sending you a big hug. Lockdown has just highlighted situations we can usually ignore or brush over in normal times. I’m so sorry about your dear Mum and the ‘friend’ who doesnt ‘do’ death. That’s really shitty and beyond disappointing.

I struggled to find good friends up to my mid 40s. I’d say my situation was similar apart from I was in abusive marriage.

Days after I left my ex a mum of one of DDs school friends phoned me as her DD had said we had split up. She had been through a messy divorce and wanted to tell me I’d get through this. Very gradually we ended up getting really close over the following years and for the first time in my life I felt I had a real friend. I then joined an evening class and 15 years on the group is still together and have been through good, bad and terrible times and supported each other.

I agree if there are school mums you feel drawn to can you message them, arrange to meet for a chat and a cuppa as soon as you can. Ask them how they’re doing etc? Making true friends is a gradual process with many dead ends along the way. But how things are now is temporary and will change. My now best friend was literally someone I just used to speak to at the school gates or dropping off/picking up of our girls for play dates. We speak or WhatsApp every day and are more like sisters now. I would never have believed that we would end up being so close. I’d never been an outgoing person who initiates friendships but the older I’ve got the more I’m prepared to ask someone for a coffee or to join an interest group etc. Often it goes nowhere but I feel I’ve tried and in a group situation, learned new things. Sometimes it’s lead to new friendships.

You are not alone in how you feel and what you describe. Not that that’s a great comfort when you feel isolated. Be kind to yourself and try look at this as a situation that isn’t set in stone and can and will change 💐

Try to remember that it's never too late to change things. Do you get on with your dad and step mum? Would you like to move closer to them? Although you aren't close to your siblings, would you like to be closer? Perhaps suggest a regular group Zoom if yes. During Covid it's hard. But once it's over make it a priority to meet new people. Either through work or hobbies. Do you work in an industry which makes it hard to meet people? Most of my friends have been made through work.

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear about all that's happened to you lately. xx

I'm in basically the same situation, grew up in a very bad situation with a lot of trauma and moved around a lot...and then had quite bad luck growing up in terms of being re-traumatized by people...it was kind of blow after blow for me.

Now I have PTSD as well and it's given me a lot of anxiety so basically I just shy away from people and can't really get close. I never had anyone care about me before that either but it used to make me feel really sad and lonely - now it's just so much a way of life that I can't even imagine a different way.

I know that sounds kind of sad and hopeless, sorry I can't offer more help, but I do know how it feels.

I will be your friend.

You are a lovely person and it is others with faults, not you.

I'm sorry about your mum and everything else that makes you sad.

I sometimes feel I have to make all the running with friends, I don't have many. Two from school and two local are my proper ones. One has surprised me today but that's unusual.

Make sure you always take some time in the day when you are you and not mum .