Need a hand hold

[Susiepants]

My lovely dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He had surgery before Christmas which went well but he's been very unwell over the past few weeks. His heart rate was up and he was dehydrated so he was admitted to hospital.

He was due to have a meeting to discuss his prognosis at hospital tomorrow anyway. The consultant has now told him to call my mum to ask her to be present for the meeting tomorrow. The cancer has spread. This isn't going to be good news is it? He is only in his late fifties. I can't process it right now. I keep telling myself it might be to discuss a care plan or treatment, there's still hope. But deep down I'm really fearing the worst. He is such a wonderful person and so full of life. This feels so wrong. I have no idea how I will approach this with my young dc. I can't even think straight.

Anyone? Just some reassurance

Hi @Susiepants didn’t want to leave you waiting for a reply. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, he sounds lovely. Try not to panic before tomorrow, easier said than done I know but there is nothing you can do right now.

I’m sure your dad knows how much you love him & that you’re there for him all the way, don’t worry about explaining anything to the kids yet - you don’t know yourself! Have hope! Good luck x

We are in a similar situation (except it is my DP who has cancer), even with a spread it does not have to mean the end. DP's has spread to his liver and has been told that the average survival rate for his type of cancer is less than six months but he has still been offered treatment. Sometimes there is no cure but there are still treatments that can offer good quality of life. Hand hold from me OP, it's shit isn't it.

So sorry to hear this, OP.

I'm so sorry to read your post.
A handhold from me 💐

& hugs, my dcs were young when my DH DM’s cancer returned (previously had breast returned in colon) hers was terminal. She had chemo to slow it down. As it got near the end we explained that she was sick and that the doctors had done all they could. We kept it light and answered their questions truthfully in an easy to understand way. We talk about her often especially my youngest who was 5 when she died.
I do hope your dads prognosis isn’t as bad as you fear.

Oh @Susiepants I’m 31 and recovering from cancer treatments. As someone has said it may not be curable but treatable and that can really change things.
With all my appointments I just go in with a clear and open head what will be will be and they will do all they can and you have to have faith in that.
Can I ask what cancer he has?

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just to reiterate, as previous posters have said, if it IS incurable (and let's not jump the gun) there are some amazing treatments. My MIL has secondary lung cancer that's spread and she's in great shape, 3 years after initial diagnosis. I'll be thinking of you and your lovely dad tomorrow 💕

It is a rare type that started in the bladder and prostate (which were removed) and is now in the stomach. Until about October the wasn't even ill. Not at all. It's all happened so quickly.

@Susiepants it’s a shock isn’t it one minute I was having a small mole removed the next I’m having all sorts taken out and patched up.
There is so so much they can do these days for cancer. And as hard as it is you must go in open minded. Half the battle is being positive I really believe that. Many times I’ve been called in and told to bring DH mainly because it’s a lot of info coming at me so it could be anything. Try hard not to worry

Would they have told my mum to go if it wasn't terrible news? Especially with covid? That's what has scared me.

Yes my last appointment was a month ago and I was advised to bring DH and it wasn’t terrible news. I do think they are trying to keep cancer treatment as normal as they can in these strange times.

My mum was diagnosed in October, out of the blue, we thought she got covid but no cancer. She is 64

She is infact stage 4 terminal but is having treatment, terminal is not what it was, my mum has potentially many years ahead fingers crossed treatment works. Im on a support site which is so helpful to ask as many questions as you can. Do not google. According to that my mum shouldn't still be here.
She is tolerating chemo and immunotherapy like a champ and you wouldn't think she had anything wrong with her at all, she looks amazing and feels fine.
Please try not to worry, there is so much these days that can be done now

I don't know about covid but I think they often suggest someone for support in normal times. My MIL also went with my FIL when he was told about his cancer. It wasn't good news but he is now in remission so it certainly doesn't only mean one thing.

From when Dad had cancer, I think as much as anything, they think that a support person might be more able to process information, and retain information?

I went with Mum and Dad to Dad's appointments, for that reason. They were so stressed, they couldn't remember what they'd been told, or what they wanted to ask, whereas I was that bit removed, and could do so.

Yeah as I said it’s a lot to take in sometimes I come out of appointments and I’m lost even when the news has been ok. Cancer isn’t what it was there is so much more they can do now as posters have shown.
Agree don’t google things.

I was told to come to DP's first appointment with the oncologist, but he has his first few 'bad news' appointments alone. His next few oncol appointments are via video link.

@Susiepants, sending a big handhold

Handholding

I think having another pair of ears is useful as it’s hard to take things in and ask questions.
I work on clinical trials with medical staff, an used to asking questions to drs etc but when my DC went into hospital, I just answered ok to everything and could barely remember the conversation afterwards.
Even with COVID, we are still working on new cancer treatments and trials. Hope all goes as well as possible tomorrow

Handhold from me too. I've been where you are very recently. Can I ask what type of cancer it is? I've got my fingers crossed for tomorrow for you all

It started in the bladder and prostate which have now been removed but the most recent news is that it's spread to the stomach. I am terrified. My mum is having to travel to the hospital in bad rain and snow today so also worried about her. It seems so unfair. Six months ago we had no idea there was anything wrong with him.

If your dad is dehydrated he may be a bit spaced out. Perhaps the doctor knows how crap men can be on listening so wants a woman there!!!

What helped me personally was to expect the worst but to hope for the best, take it one step at a time and don't look too far into the future. I really hope its not the worst news for your dad today

@MaintainTheMolehill

What helped me personally was to expect the worst but to hope for the best, take it one step at a time and don't look too far into the future. I really hope its not the worst news for your dad today

Yes, we always look at the worst case scenario too because we find it helps to be prepared for the worst. I hope today brought some hope OP I really do but I know how hard it is when people tell you to think positive and try to reassure you.

How did the meeting go?