To expect a bit more or is this ok?

[BertyBotts]

Been with dp 5 years and due to get married next year. I have a ds9 from previous relationship. They get on well, ds is very relaxed and happy to be looked after by dp. They play PlayStation together and that sort of thing. Dp is always kind and generous with him. He spent loads of money at Christmas for him. All good.

However I know for a fact that dp doesn't really enjoy or voluntarily want to do any 'family stuff'. Days out to predominantly kid places like farm parks or soft play (when ds was younger) he just doesn't enjoy. He will go and put a smile on but I know it's not his thing. I suggested a butlins holidays once and he said it was his idea of hell. Any school assemblies, plays and so on he wasn't fussed about. And during lockdown I've single handedly done all of the schooling (which is fair enough I wouldn't expect any different). If I suggest a family board game he will do it but again, I just get the impression that he'd rather be doing something else.

Having never had kids of his own I guess it's totally his prerogative to have his own preferences on how to spend his time. As a stepparent I never know how much involvement is reasonable. As we are going to be married and be a family of sorts I wondered if I'm BU to expect a bit more enthusiasm or if this is all totally reasonable from his perspective. Ds is getting older now so we don't do all the really young painful kid stuff now anyway but even so, I just feel a bit sad that he's not into the family stuff.

Well I have to say, I am a Mother and I have never taken my kids (with DH or without) to Butlins and we've played board games about three times in their lives. They're 16 and 12.

I do go to assemblies etc....and quite like those...but kid-friendly places, I don't care to go to.

I think butlins is most people's idea of hell

Well I’m also a mother, who is very close to her 23 year old daughter and going to someplace like butlins was also my idea of hell. I hate board games and playing when she was growing up. School assemblies and plays, great, but just to see her, I couldn’t have given a shit about the other kids. I went for her. I was the one who read to her, cuddled her, talked to her etc, my husband was the one who played.

Isn’t his father in the pic? I honestly think you’re expecting too much from him.

to be fair, butlins isnt great xD

my partners like this with our 6mth old. he really struggles with fun playtime, and would always rather stay at home if i suggest a nice walk. before baby he'd always be the one to suggest going out! i understand he may not be to sure how far you want him to go with ur kids. sit down for a chat when you can and just ask. say you'd like him to get involved more. if he pulls the 'im not their real dad' card, or anything along those lines, say you'd beneft from it too. he may be more willing if he knows it would be more for you than them. its difficult to connect with kids when they're not directly yours sometimes. it can be difficult but effort isnt hard

say you'd beneft from it too. he may be more willing if he knows it would be more for you than them

What does that even mean?

I think a lot of parents feel similar; I felt a bit like that when I became involved in DSDs life and even with my own DC I think do I really have to go to another farm. I’m fairly sure DH feels the same way; he’ll always go to whatever I suggest but it’s unlikely to be how he’d chose to spend an afternoon but that’s what you do with kids. My DSD is now older and likes shopping, cinema, going for hot chocolate and i much prefer all these things. It’d be different if your DP refused to go to these things or spoiled it when he was there; he can’t make himself like these things and it sounds like he’s got a good relationship with your DS and they enjoy time together.
Also I’d much rather a holiday abroad or a cottage by the coast over butlins

Soft play and butlins are shit. That is a fact.

Sounds normal to me. I mean which parent actually enjoys soft plays and stuff? We do it because the DC like it.

I bloody hate softplay etc. Dh is stepfather to dd (16) and father the ds (7). Other than birthday parties I don't think he's ever gone to softplay with them. Odd pub lunch/softplay maybe once a year when ds was a toddler.

But dh is hands on in other ways. He will come to sporting things and enjoys those, and will come to the park/for a walk etc quite happily.

But although I gate softplay I do tend to go with other mothers, so my dsis or school friends. So use it as an opportunity for coffee and a gossip. Dh would probably meet other fatbersin the same sort of way but do something different like a park or whatever.

We did do butlins once when ds was small. I don't think we will ever go back, it wasn't particularly awful, just not our sort of holiday. When we do go on holiday it's dh that's in the pool with the kids or playing on the beach.

As for board games, I spent £60 at Christmas buying us board games to have family games times. We played monopoly, scrabble and family trivial pursuit exactly once each. Ds was inconsolable the mardy little shit for the first 2, the 3rd day we let him win at monopoly as no one could stand another round of tears 😁. 2 hours of my life I won't get back, made tolerable only by drinking my way through it.

Everyone parents differently.

I didn't much enjoy doing 'family' things, such as Butlins holidays and play gyms. Neither did he. That's not to say we didn't do other activities together though.

If your partner is spending time with your DS and you're all living happily together then all is fine. He doesn't have to be as involved with DS' upbringing as you are.

The thing is he can do these things op with his father or with you, if you’re big into butlins or board games, you can go to assemblies or plays.

I can’t think of anything worse than fully accepting someone else’s child. Happy to look after them, play play station, spend money on them, to be told it’s not enough, you should also want to go to school assemblies and butlins.

For me this would be a step too far.

Your son is nine, so soon he'll enter the joy that is adolescence. You have a really decent, nice, kind man - have a look at the Relationships forum and you'll see how rare that is. It's quite normal for him to not want to mix with other children much - he likes your own son and is good to him. It's too much to expect him to enjoy other people's children, too, especially in a situation like a holiday camp, which is most people's idea of hell.

I think this is fine. My DP sounds like your DP and he is DS's dad. I fully accept that some people like to do things like soft plays and walks in the woods and farms etc and some people don't. I don't remember my dad coming along to any of those things when I was younger, but I do remember teaching me how to ride a bike, bike rides down the woods, swimming etc.

I think it's okay for your DS to enjoy different things with both parents (step dad). He obviously enjoys his time on the PlayStation and they bond over that. I'm sure as he gets older, they'll have more interests too.

I know my DP isn't interested in park trips or walks down the woods so I don't ask him. I go with friends with children similar ages so that DS has friends to play with and I have company I enjoy, rather than worrying he's bored.

My husband is father of my kids and he doesn't much like doing that stuff. (I'm not wild about a lot of it either but enjoy that the kids enjoy it and I do think it's good for them and us to get out.) My H would never suggest it, he will come along if I ask and not be a grump but often he prefers to stay home doing diy, gardening or reading the paper as "we don't both need to go". I don't mind as I can listen to a podcast or read a book in the park/soft play now mine don't need me to physically supervise. It's fairly normal I think. As a stepfather I think your partner has even less duty to do it. If he comes now and again and isn't moody about but, that seems ok.

I have 3dc, was never a fan of board games or playing when they were younger. I went to soft play areas to meet up with friends and for a couple of hours peace whilst kids played. The same with going to the playground, it was something to keep the dc entertained. If you dp plays PlayStation with your son then this is his way of bonding/spending time with him. I think you are over thinking things.

I think if you looked at parents faces doing most of the thing you listed you would see many with a glazed look humming the phrase “it’s for the kids” or “please may this end soon”. Just like my face when playing the Xbox.

I hate board games. I also hated soft play but it meant I got an uninterrupted hot drink. I also wouldn’t go to butlins if someone offered to me £10,000 because I know I’d hate it so much. Animal parks I quite like.
What’s he like when doing other things with your DS? You mentioned they play PlayStation but what about a kick about at the park, does he talk to him on walks, do they cook together. It’s more about that kind of thing to me to show their relationship rather than will he happily endure the pain of butlins or soft play.

I have a child I'd rather set myself on fire than go to Butlins. DH is much keener on the park or woods in the depths of winter than I am, soft play is germy screamy hell, but I go because it's what's good for the family, would I be going if we didn't have a child? No. I do enjoy the farm parks and the zoo and those things and so does DH but mainly because we like seeing DS have a good time.
Your partner has found common ground with your son and he engages in family activities even though they're not his favourite things to do, as long as he doesn't do that whilst huffing, puffing and moaning, that's a good thing surely?

I'm a mum to a ds 6 and soft play is my idea of hell.

I became a step mum before DH and I had one together. I went to soft play once, it’s hell on Earth and after that DH took them while I had a lie in or something for myself. He was parenting fine before he met me, it doesn’t take two adults to put themselves through that. You couldn’t pay me to go to butlins either, DH agrees, and we have holidays that work for all of us, not just the kids.

Board games? Bore me senseless and again, if the kids want to play them they can do that with their dad and I’ll make a meal or read a book. I’m a step mum, not a martyr. And I won’t be doing any of the above with my own child, it’s not anti my steps.

I’ve been to parents evenings, assemblies and plays because the DC have asked me to and they’ve been lovely but DH never expected me there unless I actively wanted to be there.

We’re married and have joint finances. I don’t buy separate gifts for my DSC, they’re from both of us from day one.

Taking on someone else’s child or children is difficult and while it can bring much joy at times there’s probably a reason your partner didn’t have any of his own and it sounds like he’s doing a brilliant job. Your son is an extension of you remember, if you split up tomorrow your partner would have no right to ever see your son again. His relationship with your son is a condition of his relationship with you. Don’t try and pressure him to be what he’s not. Be grateful for what he is and does for both of you and don’t ask for more.

i absolutely loathed most of the kid-friendly stuff we did when the DCs were smaller. Except Legoland. They never wanted to go back and that made me a bit sad.

Most of it was done through my gritted teeth and if you asked them now they'd swear blind that i loved it, so all good. But when i was able to give up soft play, kid's parties etc etc i did a happy dance.

Seems alright to me, they can bond playing on the PlayStation so they have something to do together

@Bluntness100

The thing is he can do these things op with his father or with you, if you’re big into butlins or board games, you can go to assemblies or plays.

I can’t think of anything worse than fully accepting someone else’s child. Happy to look after them, play play station, spend money on them, to be told it’s not enough, you should also want to go to school assemblies and butlins.

For me this would be a step too far.

Absolutely. I’ve been a step parent for 22 years. I threw myself at the stuff I enjoyed and dodged what I didn’t. If I’d been pressured to do more I doubt the relationship would have survived.

I also think you're asking too much OP. It sounds like he's really kind and gets on well with your DS, just because he doesn't enjoy board games etc (I hate them) doesn't mean he's not trying. It sounds like he is.

I was always the one who went to assemblies etc because I could work round them. DH couldn't so I don't think he went to even one of them.