To expect a bit more or is this ok?

[BertyBotts]

Been with dp 5 years and due to get married next year. I have a ds9 from previous relationship. They get on well, ds is very relaxed and happy to be looked after by dp. They play PlayStation together and that sort of thing. Dp is always kind and generous with him. He spent loads of money at Christmas for him. All good.

However I know for a fact that dp doesn't really enjoy or voluntarily want to do any 'family stuff'. Days out to predominantly kid places like farm parks or soft play (when ds was younger) he just doesn't enjoy. He will go and put a smile on but I know it's not his thing. I suggested a butlins holidays once and he said it was his idea of hell. Any school assemblies, plays and so on he wasn't fussed about. And during lockdown I've single handedly done all of the schooling (which is fair enough I wouldn't expect any different). If I suggest a family board game he will do it but again, I just get the impression that he'd rather be doing something else.

Having never had kids of his own I guess it's totally his prerogative to have his own preferences on how to spend his time. As a stepparent I never know how much involvement is reasonable. As we are going to be married and be a family of sorts I wondered if I'm BU to expect a bit more enthusiasm or if this is all totally reasonable from his perspective. Ds is getting older now so we don't do all the really young painful kid stuff now anyway but even so, I just feel a bit sad that he's not into the family stuff.

No way would I go to Butlins and I'm the mother of three children. Nor would I go swimming - but their dad will.

Well there's alot of things that isn't my thing but I do because it's child friendly, it's part of being a parent.

I think things sound fine, so your DS gets older they may do more together such as watch sport or more gaming etc.
Does he do board games etc with his biological Dad or is he out of the picture?

It's fine. Because all those things are boring beyond belief for adults, even if you're the actual parent. We do it for our kids and put a smile on our faces, but they're boring. I'm single now and really observant of families on family date out - photo chance at this family picnic for Instagram, all happy, joy, joy - 90% of the time, catch a look on at least one, maybe both parents faces - they'd rather be anywhere else but there.

YABVU, your dp sounds brilliant.

Is anyone genuinely enthusiastic about the things you’re taking about? I used to get excited about plays and assemblies, but I know plenty of loving and engaged parents that found them a chore.

Everyone finds their thing, for your dp and ds it's gaming.
I absolutely loved doing all the kid stuff especially water parks, theme parks and farms where you can feed the animals. I loved playing cards and board games with them. I went to all the plays and sports days sometimes fun but could be a bit yawn.
We went to Butlins for a weekend, I thought it would be great but I hated it. Awful place.

@combatbarbie

Well there's alot of things that isn't my thing but I do because it's child friendly, it's part of being a parent.

True. My bloke said Disneyland Florida was the most expensive form of torture he ever experienced as a parent. Thankfully he’d got that out of the way before we met. Fortunately you don’t have to be quite so masochistic as a step parent!

@combatbarbie

Well there's alot of things that isn't my thing but I do because it's child friendly, it's part of being a parent.

The DP isn’t a parent. So he doesn’t have to do any of it.

Overall he sounds like he is making an effort. Of course there will be things he will not enjoy doing as much as others. Interestingly I like Butlins, DP hated it (he did try!). If the relationship between your son and your partner is fine that I think is the main thing I would focus on.

A bit off topic, but just want to say that I think Butlins is fab!
We did a tots' week in Oct and booked another for march, although that will probably be cancelled.
My toddler and baby had a lovely time! It was fun!

Thanks everyone I thought as much and yes soft play isn't my idea or fun either! I do quite like butlins though! Dp might not be as hands on but that's fine, ds has myself and his dad for that.

Also dp is very good in other ways, helps my parents out and things like that. I'm clearly a very ungrateful cow

You love your son with the unconditional love of a parent. His dad no doubt feels the same. And that love and investment in him gets you through the boring bits of parenting. It’s unrealistic to expect the same from your partner, as you now see. He sounds like a good man, he’s bonding and investing in your child in ways that suit him. That’s good.

How weird. This isn't @bertiebotts

No adult I know likes soft play they go because the kids like it. I have never been to butlins and dont have any interest in going with either DSS or DS.
We ( me and DP) play board games both with and without DSS as we enjoy them but there not everyones cup of tea.

He is doing things he doesnt like for the sake of DSS which I think all parents do at times. And hes doing it with a smile. Also as your son is becoming a teenager having a father figure who wants to play computer games with him and do other stuff together is good.
Regarding homeschooling hopefully that will be a thing of the past in the not too distant future and as he gets older the amount of help he will be requiring regarding homework should be driven by the child so wont require parental input.
I cant see anything in your post that would give me reservations regarding marrying him

DH and I have been to soft play type things as a family a handful of times. No one enjoys those places (or at least, no adults). So one takes the kids and the other one does something they actually want to do. So I can't see this as a huge issue, especially as he's not actually a parent.

I would be concerned if he's not willing to engage with DS on a day to day basis. eg is he happy to all eat dinner together and chat in the evening, is he supportive of the need for homework and having a space/equipment etc to do that. Does he understand that DS' needs may well trump his/yours on a regular basis - eg nights out 4 times a week unlikely to be realistic or that sometimes you have to drop things for a sick kid or to attend that concert?

Those are the things I'd care about.

I think as long as he finds his own way to build a connection it’s fine and you can’t really determine the parameters of what that is.

Butlins and soft play are horrific even when it’s your own biological children tbh and I don’t think you can hold that against him.

As long as he doesn’t opt out of family life and does work to build a relationship with your DC I wouldn’t worry too much.

Another one here who hates all the prescribed family stuff. Most of what you list are just places and products marketed at families, there's nothing intrinsic to say that families have to like them. As long as he's kind and interested in your DC as an individual, which it sounds like he is, that's enough. I love my DSs but softplay etc was an endurance and even school plays were a test of my unconditional devotion. I wouldn't even play PS4 with them so your DP is doing better than me there. Let them be who they are and not expect more or try to force things just because of some abstract idea of what families should be doing. A board game around here tends to bring out the worst in everyone - those joyous pix on the boxes are pure fantasy!

@ahola

How weird. This isn't *@bertiebotts*

Thanks for the tag

:o

@AnnLovesGilbert he may not be a parent but he's entered into a relationship knowing there is a child so it's kinda expected that unless he wants a very part time relationship that he plays a part in family life.

I agree with everyone else, he seems a decent sort. Also DS is 9 so the British wordplay years are surely behind you or near enough. As a teen he will probably be on his Xbox even more and the fact your DP is into this too is a good thing IMO.

Er....softplay that was meant to say

You’re not an ungrateful cow but you do have an unrealistic view of what adults will find fun! I’ve been to all school assembly’s bar one and god they are dull. I am proud when my kid gets his ten seconds of fame though! I actually think it’s rather nice he’ll join in and do stuff he doesn’t enjoy.

[quote combatbarbie]@AnnLovesGilbert he may not be a parent but he's entered into a relationship knowing there is a child so it's kinda expected that unless he wants a very part time relationship that he plays a part in family life. [/quote]
If he was the one insisting on attending school events he’d no doubt be told he wasn’t a parent to this child. He’s just mum’s boyfriend.