Am I being unreasonable? Ex stopped maintenance

[EleanorRigbyWasReal]

My son is 20yrs old. He has autism and I was a single parent by the time he was four. I remarried, when he was ten. Ex left weeks after son’s diagnosis and refused to accept ASD. Ex was seeing someone else and was barely at home anyway. DH now, has brought him up, helped me, supported us in every way possible and I’m lucky, very lucky to have him.

Things were tough in the years I was a single parent. Ex stopped paying mortgage so, I went on to interest only payments and continued to work nights as a nurse. Kept things afloat. Just.

Divorce was longwinded as Ex wasn’t happy with equity split and the fact I could remain in the 2 bed property til our son was 18. Must add, Ex had no savings and was heavily in debt when we got together. I put the deposit down for our home and paid for our small wedding. Ex was always pretty atrocious with his spending and would often just spend a few thousand in himself without thinking of me or DS. Didn’t even consult me. In the final divorce settlement Ex was ordered by the court to pay for half of ds’s activities/private health care (only £24 a month) and maintenance at standard rate % of his salary. Ex told me what he earned... I went with that. He could be aggressive and frankly, I was just glad that he was someone else’s problem, so to speak.

For 12 years, Ex said his salary hadn’t changed. I didn’t want to rock the boat so just went along with it. When DS was 18, Ex said he was stopping payment despite divorce settlement stating he must continue until ds left education. In the process of starting up the payments again, I went to CMS who said, based on Ex’s salary he’d underpaid by £240 per month for years. So, the amount was increased. Ex had never paid for other things specified in the divorce. Has seen little of DS and has never accepted his disability despite several autism specialists (over the years) telling Ex to come see them and they would explain son’s condition to Ex, he never turned up to the appointments.

I still work and provide a home for DS. He has extensive needs and thanks to hospitalisation, his education ran on, an extra year. Then COVID. So, at 20, because DS is still at college, DH has said enough! No more payments. Again.

Am I being greedy? Completely unreasonable in expecting Ex to still pay something to help with son’s keep? I’ve absolutely no idea hiw ds’s step dad and myself can keep him on our salary. The CMS wrote to Ex to say he no longer had to pay maintenance due to the “child’s” age but, he really ought to pay something until DS finishes college, in June, I feel.

I’m exhausted by it, tbh. Should I just drop it and struggle?

DS will never be independent. He’ll most likely live with me and his step dad, always.

He sounds awful.

@ooohbriefcase... DS is unable to manage money. He’s clever in so many ways but has no concept of money.

@Proudboomer... I have today made enquiries re. allowances, via Citizens Advice. @Orf1abc

@BrumBoo...It’s only because right now, I’m furloughed and dh’s work is massively affected by Covid (sales).

@TwoBlueFish... we get Direct Payments but it’s a struggle (well, not now, in Covid restrictions) because it’s so expense. We get DPs for the PAs time but for activities we pay for DS and the adult PA. a day out can mean £80+ depending on what they’re doing.

@Porcupineintherough... Over to the state? Well, that’s NOT happening even before the mess that was austerity. ... yes...I’m his Appointee.

Also, I will always “keep” my son. I love him and worry for him and his future, when I’m no longer here. Whilst I am, I will look after him, as will DH. The “what will happen to him when I’m gone” question is the one that wakes me at 3am, most nights!

@TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag... indeed. A fairly shit dad.

Many years after our divorce, my lovely sister told me that when I was pregnant my Ex (who was then my husband) went to her, drove miles, and asked her to ask me to have a termination because he didn’t want a baby. My sister told him, if he felt like that, he must tell me himself. She didn’t tell me for many years because she didn’t want to make me sad knowing how happy I’d been to be pregnant. I was 38 when I had DS. Never thought I’d have any children as it’d just never happened. And DS was the most beautiful baby. Now, he’s a young man with real difficulties but so clever in lots of ways. Brilliant at art. And I see much of me in him and it makes me proud. He’s also very handsome. Quite beautiful.

My daughter has autism, I wouldn’t personally expect my ex to pay for her for her whole life, she probably will never be able to live alone so will live with me, as it stands now he only pays £7 per week anyway so we have no choice but to cope without it. We get dla, apply for pip?

Thank you for so many replies. I appreciate it.

We’ll see what happens when I make application for UC. Yes, I do get Carers Allowance.

But..
@givemeabreak

Surely if the resident parent of a near adult/person with special needs... Has to pay towards their keep, the non resident (hopeless) parent should contribute something?

@Givemeabreak88... absolutely don’t expect Ex to pay for DS “his whole life” but would have hoped he’d fulfil the legal commitment he signed up to, all those years ago.

It was a major shock to learn how much Ex had underpaid, when I’d struggled for so long. I knew he’d had some kind of increase in pay but didn’t know he was shortchanging his son so spectacularly. I could (according to the settlement) have had an amount of maintenance for me but chose not to and carried on working shifts and juggling hours. As a nursing sister, I was quite well paid and did do work with an agency, which was lucrative but I was always counting the pennies and dreading the day my car died!

Well my ex pays £7 so like I said we’ve learned to manage without maintenance so maybe that’s why my view is that way.

It was a pp who suggested he should be paying it for life.

@yoyo1234... the property was sold 5 years after divorce. I met a lovely chap who thought my son was wonderful and he’s brought him up, really. So, Ex got his lump out of the marital property years ago.

@WobbleWobble... DS has no formal qualifications. He will not be going to Uni. His college course is Skills for Living and Skills for Work. Work wise, we have no clue what he will actually be able to do.

@RB68... interesting link. I will try to contact CMS tomorrow and couch that these are “special circumstances” backed by a legal divorce settlement.

L@AnotherDelphinium.. Ex violated the Court Order from the off but when I saw a solicitor he said “you might spend £10k to get £5k if you persue this”. That was 4 years ago.

@Bixs ... thank you 😊

@TheSparkling
... I was told at the time (2018) by CMS that unfortunately, I couldn’t persue the 10+yrs of underpayment.

@Givemeabreak88... it’s relative. If my Ex we’re genuinely unable to pay, then that’s an entirely different story. He was claiming and hiding what he earned so that he could pay minimal maintenance for his son. That’s a very different thing.

No one can expect a lifetime of support but in view of his financial shenanigans so far, I’d expect him to make payments to JUNE 2021.

I guess you can only go but what the law says, if he doesn’t want to pay off his own back you can’t make him.

My ex chooses not to work so he doesn’t have to pay. It is what it is.

My adult DS still lives with us as he has a disability which leaves him unable to be independent. He had a Statement and then an EHCP. He has had Disability Living Allowance until he had a PIP assessment and it converted to PIP. I also receive Carer’s Allowance. Social Services have been involved and he had volunteering roles through them and we will get their help in future to place him in a suitable shared facility so we can help him settle into life with out us. Claim his benefits, OP, and best wishes.

Which is correct? Pay till child is 18 or pay till child is 20 if they are in full time educational?

Go back to court and get the money he’s underpaid. I think you have a moral duty to do so for your son. You sound like an amazing mum

Just wanted to say well done OP, you clearly love your son very much and have done a brilliant job. Your ex is an arse, I would pursue it personally, but that’s because I can’t things if I perceive injustice.

It’s disappointing so many callers seem to think you should suck it up just because their own ex is shit, or that the dad shouldn’t be expected to support his child with life long issues (you don’t get to check out, so why does he?). Lots of excuses for shit men being made here.

@Keepingthingsinteresting I dont see anyone on the thread defending or 'making excuses ' for this man. Just pointing out that taking him to court to try and make him pay the additional 6 months is unlikely to succeed and may cost more money than it saves, if if successful.

@Jangle33 from what I gather OP won’t be able to get back any backdated underpayments.

Definitely apply for PIP for him and UC/ESA as well. I am surprised nobody ever suggested claiming DLA to you while he was a child. I would give up on the ex. My ex also lied about his salary not increasing for 10 years and I also only found out when I went to the CMS! They are despicable not wanting to pay the bare minimum.

I think the issue here is beyond normal CNS rules which is 18 or 20 depending on education. I have seen arrangements to 25 and 30 for those with severe disability - this isn't that case but there is still scope for variation of the usual rules given there is enough of a level of inability to cope with "normal" life which means his Mum is paid Carers and other benefits are available to him. Adult care for those in this situation is notoriously poor. In an ideal situation there is a pot of money put aside for when resident parents not available and its manged in trust to provide a roof over his head and a level of care plus income to maintain the person (albeit managed by someone else). Often it is at the expense of other siblings if there are any. So for e.g. house or flat left in trust with funds in the trust for maintenance and running of the trust etc usually for persons life time. Also siblings often end up being the responsible person and sorting out issues with regards to finance and health which is also a burden in many ways although they wouldn't have it any other way. THe Father DOES have a moral reponsibility as well as arguably legal to contribute to care. Any monies obtained now could be set to one side to help make these things happen

@Monkeytapper... divorce stated Ex was to pay up to age 18 OR IF in education, up to the end of that.

With going down the “taking to court” thing, we cannot go after monies unpaid in the previous years. All we can get is the 7 months Ex has abandoned.

UC/CSA. Will have to look these up 🤷🏻‍♀️

@RB68... DS is an only child. When he was six weeks old, I set up a Halifax account fir him and added to it, bit by bit. The intention was for DS to have the cash aged 18 for let’s say... a little car/driving lessons. However, when he was 18, the savings he had were part of the Direct Payments assessment so, that little “pot” had to be used up first.

I agree... this is beyond CMS remit.

If you are in receipt of Carers Allowance then you already receive DLA or PIP for your son. The next question is whether JSA or ESA element of UC is appropriate.

@Givemeabreak88

My daughter has autism, I wouldn’t personally expect my ex to pay for her for her whole life, she probably will never be able to live alone so will live with me, as it stands now he only pays £7 per week anyway so we have no choice but to cope without it. We get dla, apply for pip?

But if you have a child , and they are unable to be independent you should support them. Why should you have to do it (willingly) and not her father ?

@3rdNamechange exactly because she doesnt have to legally. Of course, any loving parent wouldnt abandon their vulnerable teenager /adult but not every parent is loving.

[quote Porcupineintherough]@3rdNamechange exactly because she doesnt have to legally. Of course, any loving parent wouldnt abandon their vulnerable teenager /adult but not every parent is loving.[/quote]
Quite. I never got a penny of maintenance for my SEN daughter. Fortunately she can live independently and earn money.

3rdNamechange

Because it’s £7 per week which doesn’t support her anyway, she will never live independently but I will support her, I expect nothing from ex. Op must get pip if she gets carers allowance