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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like it’s the last straw

32 replies

Peasbewithyou · 12/01/2021 09:50

I know I am totally being unreasonable and life is not that bad compared to many but honestly this morning I just feel so tired of it all.

I’m home schooling an 8 year old and a 5 year old with a 2 year old to entertain. The 8 year old is extremely reluctant and hard to engage. She will literally rip her worksheets up, hit herself, bite her hands and arms etc. The 5 year old says she is bored and doesn’t want to do it. The 2 year old just wants to watch tv all day long. I am also trying to work part time - luckily at home and flexible hours but still. The house is in chaos. I feel like every surface is covered in toys and papers and clutter and laundry. I struggle with this at the best of times but at the moment it all feels too much. Then on top of it all the sodding cat started attacking me relentlessly this morning. Kept going for my legs again and again and again and again. I had to scruff him and put him in the utility room twice (where his food and litter tray are) and when he came out he kept doing it again. It’s clearly a stress behaviour so maybe another cat spooked him but I felt like shouting “I’m stressed too! Stop attacking me!” He made my leg bleed. And I just burst into tears. Am standing here in the kitchen surrounded by all the breakfast crap and the fucking home school sheets and the bloody neverending laundry and I am just so so so tired.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 12/01/2021 09:59

Omg that sounds really tough. I have no advice really just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and wish I could help. I'm on a day off from delivering babiesGrin

Do you have a garden? Could the kids go out there for a bit whilst you get at least the kitchen sorted. I suppose it must be like bribing them almost to get them to do school work right now.

For what its worth I think all parents trying to wfh and homeschool reluctant kids are bloody amazing.
Goodluck OP I hope today
improves for youFlowers

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 12/01/2021 10:00

Sounds hard Flowers can you let dc watch tv today while you get house sorted and plan in place ? I always feel better when a bit more organized!
It’s hard homeschooling, luckily my dd is good at doing her work but the 2 year old is a nightmare to keep engaged with something that doesn’t involve complete destruction !
I’ve given them both water paint pads to keep them entertained for ten mins while I have a coffee then it’s back to the grind .
Mind yourself, it’s hard Flowers

SoddingWeddings · 12/01/2021 10:05

I don't blame you. Gather everyone up, and get outdoors. Away from the house. The park, whatever, just outside, even if it's pouring down - make it a game of rain, jumping in puddles, getting soaked then home to PJs, a film and hot chocolates, hot milk, cambric tea, whatever!

Ignore the washing unless it's urgent.

Fuck off the school worksheets for today.

Chuck the washing up in the bowl and walk out the kitchen - don't look at it, it's not urgent.

Beans on toast for lunch. Something fast, hot and easy

Honestly, take the day off chores - I know you don't really get a day off when you're a mum, so sack off some tasks and change things up.

yoyo1234 · 12/01/2021 10:49

Flowers I agree with PP slack off on the school work get them outside. Take a breath and think is there one thing you think you can do and take pride/satisfaction in. That could be 1 room clear to retreat to ( maybe master bedroom at end of day), or doing 1 washing load. Just to feel you have conquered something.

Divebar · 12/01/2021 10:51

Is there a DH in all of this ? What’s he up to?

BlackeyedSusan · 12/01/2021 10:53

what is on the worksheets?

can you use them to teach whatever it is in a different way? eg using an interactive site on the computer or something? the main thing is that they can do whatever it is on the worksheet, how they learn to do it is not so important at the moment.

BlackeyedSusan · 12/01/2021 10:54

and it is really not worth anyones well being to push doiung the worksheets to the detriment of health. dd is clearly not in the right place to tackle that at the moment and if too distressed is not going to learn anything anyway as will not be capable of making new memories.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/01/2021 10:59

Gather everyone up, and get outdoors. Away from the house. The park, whatever, just outside, even if it's pouring down - make it a game of rain, jumping in puddles, getting soaked then home to PJs, a film and hot chocolates, hot milk, cambric tea, whatever!

Honestly, take the day off chores - I know you don't really get a day off when you're a mum, so sack off some tasks and change things up.

I know it's well intentioned but advice like this makes me want to scream. Frolicking in puddles in January and then returning muddy and wet to an already messy house where you are already behind with your paid work, schoolwork and housework, and then trying to persuade your children that cambric tea is a cosy treat all sounds like shit to me.

Taking a day off doesn't work when you are being paid to do an actual job. And in some circumstances it just makes everything worse.

LadyTmalia · 12/01/2021 11:00

Is the cat a house cat? if so lock cat in the utility room and don't let it out until you are able to deal with the cat, if they can go outside - kick them out - its only for a short while, it will survive!

I think for today, stick on a movie, snuggle up with the kids and forget school work for a while.
good luck - it sounds tough :(

billy1966 · 12/01/2021 11:22

Sounds awful.

I would tell the children they are getting a day off school but first ALL toys have to be cleared away.

I know it sounds obvious but insisting on a clean up at the end of the day, before dinner in our case was just something I wouldn't move from.

No tv or technology after dinner until it is done.
Don't move from this.
Once they know you mean it and will follow through they will get on board.

Sorry things are so hard.
Flowers

Icanseegreenshoots · 12/01/2021 11:26

Cat goes outside full stop, no animal should be hurting you op

8 year old gets a timer, and completes worksheets for rewards.

Meanwhile 5 year and 2 year old get to help you tidy away everything. Make a game of it and see who can be the fastest to tidy up.

No TV or tech until the house is spotless for anyone.

Buckle up after lunch, walk and then film (whilst you work)
Something like pasta that takes 5 mins for tea.

You can do this op. It is very hard.

Can dh/dc father take over at the weekend, and do some catch up with the older child? Or at the end of the day after work? This should not all be on you op Flowers

choosername1234 · 12/01/2021 11:36

That sounds really difficult OP. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment.
Might it help to completely ignore home school for today (and tomorrow if you want) and just let the kids watch TV and do (no mess) activities of their choice (harder for the 2 yr old but thank God for CBeebies). Perhaps if you are able to have a bit of a tidy it might help you feel less out of control?
Home learning is tough and really can wait another day - I only have one I'm trying to teach (plus a 8 week old) and we did nothing yesterday.

tootiredtospeak · 12/01/2021 11:59

Take a day off they are 8 and 5 they wont miss 1 day. Do something fund instead and recharge your batteries. Then give yourself an hour whilst they have screen time and tidy up. Start again tommorow they need you not stressed more than they need to be homeschooled.

Whatisthisfuckery · 12/01/2021 12:07

OP, home schooling isn’t worth everybody losing their sanity over. Can you strike a deal with the DC, do a certain amount then they can watch telly? Nobody is learning while having a fight, and better to try for a small amount of effort than a full timetable of conflict and misery.

213Milne · 12/01/2021 12:07

Let the cat outside. Being indoors with three uncontrollable humans is going to be torture for him/ her.

Peasbewithyou · 12/01/2021 12:08

Thank you all for your kind words.

I can never get the kids to tidy up. They are just happy to leave things, and so it spirals. I will try to be stricter.

I am feeling a little bit better. The kids have been left to their own devices while I had a work call and now I’ve decided I will feel a LOT less stressed if the house is a bit tidier so I’m going to do that.

The cat has gone outside, I let him back in earlier and he went for me again so he has gone out until I can face dealing with him, no matter how many times he gives me sad eyes from the back door. He hasn’t gone for anyone else but I don’t want him to go for the kids and tbh I find it really upsetting to have him keep attacking me - not to mention stressful!

OP posts:
81Byerley · 12/01/2021 12:10

I have four grown up children. Two sent their children to school, and two are home educating. The home educators do not sit their children down to formally teach, or use work sheets, because basically it's boring and it doesn't work. The children have learned to read and write and do maths, learned far more about history and geography than they probably would have at school, because it has naturally occurred because of the interests they have had. The parents helped by providing the materials they need to follow their interests. This has varied from charity shop books, library books, visits to museums, help finding websites. One child went to a martial arts class. One week the class were asked to find out the names of some of the muscles in the human body. The following week she stunned her teacher because she knew them all, and what each one did. She then 'switched off' and spent a couple of weeks cooking. This of course, meant she was practicing her reading, measuring and weighing, and science, as my son asked her questions like "Why do you have to put baking powder in that? What does it do?" Not in a teacherish way, but in a genuine enquiring way. When she didn't know the answer, she looked it up.
The point is, anyone looking in from the outside, would say "That child isn't learning anything, all she does is cook, or look at websites about anatomy, etc." she needs to sit down and do some maths or English".
Trying to do what would normally happen in school isn't working for you or your children. You are a parent in a very stressful time.
Think about what your eldest child is interested in, and ask some questions. Start some conversations. It could be "I had Barbie as well, when I was your age. I wonder when the first Barbie was made? Really? that long ago? How many years ago was that?" Reading, and maths, without the child even realising.
"If we could go on holiday, where would you like to go? Disney World? How many miles is that? What sort of aeroplane flies from Heathrow to Florida? How much would it cost for all of us to go? We can only afford to save £20 per month. How long will it take us to save enough?"
"Could you help me with this electricity bill? It says we used £200 worth in the last three months. That seems a lot. How much is that every day?"
@Peasbewithyou, basically, be kind to yourself. Your children learn new things every day, without you, or them, even realising.
Take the pressure off, forget it all for a couple of days and try to tidy up. The children, even the two year old can help, especially if you turn it into a game. "Right, you lot, I've got a big box here. Bring me all the toys that are bigger than your head/blue/smaller than your hand/made of wood/have got wheels, etc" Or "2 year old, bring me a red toy" Now bring me a yellow toy". "Five year old, can you find 30 pieces of Lego and put them on this tray?" "Eight year old, can you bring me all the books that are factual and put them in a big stack, and then bring all the fiction and sort them out so we know which ones are suitable for the 2 year old?"

Porcupineintherough · 12/01/2021 12:19

Todays home school: teach your kids to help you clean and tidy. Seriously, it's difficult at first (they will make a huge fuss and be crap at it) but it pays dividends after a while.

Zakana · 12/01/2021 12:34

@81Byerley

I have four grown up children. Two sent their children to school, and two are home educating. The home educators do not sit their children down to formally teach, or use work sheets, because basically it's boring and it doesn't work. The children have learned to read and write and do maths, learned far more about history and geography than they probably would have at school, because it has naturally occurred because of the interests they have had. The parents helped by providing the materials they need to follow their interests. This has varied from charity shop books, library books, visits to museums, help finding websites. One child went to a martial arts class. One week the class were asked to find out the names of some of the muscles in the human body. The following week she stunned her teacher because she knew them all, and what each one did. She then 'switched off' and spent a couple of weeks cooking. This of course, meant she was practicing her reading, measuring and weighing, and science, as my son asked her questions like "Why do you have to put baking powder in that? What does it do?" Not in a teacherish way, but in a genuine enquiring way. When she didn't know the answer, she looked it up. The point is, anyone looking in from the outside, would say "That child isn't learning anything, all she does is cook, or look at websites about anatomy, etc." she needs to sit down and do some maths or English". Trying to do what would normally happen in school isn't working for you or your children. You are a parent in a very stressful time. Think about what your eldest child is interested in, and ask some questions. Start some conversations. It could be "I had Barbie as well, when I was your age. I wonder when the first Barbie was made? Really? that long ago? How many years ago was that?" Reading, and maths, without the child even realising. "If we could go on holiday, where would you like to go? Disney World? How many miles is that? What sort of aeroplane flies from Heathrow to Florida? How much would it cost for all of us to go? We can only afford to save £20 per month. How long will it take us to save enough?" "Could you help me with this electricity bill? It says we used £200 worth in the last three months. That seems a lot. How much is that every day?" *@Peasbewithyou*, basically, be kind to yourself. Your children learn new things every day, without you, or them, even realising. Take the pressure off, forget it all for a couple of days and try to tidy up. The children, even the two year old can help, especially if you turn it into a game. "Right, you lot, I've got a big box here. Bring me all the toys that are bigger than your head/blue/smaller than your hand/made of wood/have got wheels, etc" Or "2 year old, bring me a red toy" Now bring me a yellow toy". "Five year old, can you find 30 pieces of Lego and put them on this tray?" "Eight year old, can you bring me all the books that are factual and put them in a big stack, and then bring all the fiction and sort them out so we know which ones are suitable for the 2 year old?"
This absolutely. I feel for all those parents having to home school kids, work from home, and still keep up on running the house, I salute you all because I know I couldn’t do it! Mine are now 18 and 22 so I fortunately don’t have to worry about that now. Neither of my kids are particularly academic, even getting* them to do their homework was a nightmare, but they both have successful careers, my son in sales and my daughter who is dyslexic and very non academic has just passed her SIA in the security industry and is now studying to become a close protection officer or bodyguard with a firearms licence! I think what I am trying to say is kids will learn their own way using their own method with a bit of non pressured encouragement from parents, don’t beat yourself up over the home schooling, you already have enough going on with everything else at the moment. I also and still do spend time cooking and baking with mine and doing quizzes etc just as it happens through the day, whenever that happens to be. Be kind to yourselves.
Lavanderrose · 12/01/2021 14:34

Oh, that sounds incredibly hard for you op, definitely have my sympathies. It’s also horrible when our pets turn on us!

My advice is to make a visual timetable with the children, with the routine of the day, include snack time, tv time, walk, home schooling, tidying, a fun activity, play, and stick to it each day and they will hopefully settle down. You can use a whiteboard or print and cut the icons for each activity which will help the 2 year old.

Buy pin boards so that paperwork can go up on the wall to clear some cutter.

Thedogscollar · 12/01/2021 16:14

@81Byerley
What a great post full of great advice.
@Peasbewithyou.
Hope today has gone better than you thought it would. I know it's not over yet but hopefully you can relax later on this evening. Well done another day ticked off.

Peasbewithyou · 12/01/2021 17:09

Thank you all.

Some great advice here. Bloody cat still seems wary of me. I let him in and he again went for my legs. Am trying very hard not to react. He is doing that thing where they run themselves against your legs which is nerve wracking because I don’t trust him not to suddenly go for me.

Today we have achieved no home schooling at all. The kids have played with Lego. I have cried a lot. House is still a mess - I just feel so drained I can’t bring myself to deal with it but I have done a couple of things. I made a soup and some bread.

Keep telling myself tomorrow will be better.

OP posts:
hilariousnamehere · 12/01/2021 17:15

Hugs OP, this sounds really hard. Is it worth taking cat to the vet to see if there's a physical reason he's doing this? Would potentially get you all out of the house if nothing else?

And seconding sack off worksheets and get the kids to help around the house instead - it's good skills for them and might actually help you Smile

nicknamehelp · 12/01/2021 17:26

Tomorrow is another day.
Break down house work into smaller jobs and tackle each job in turn, encourage older children to help by offering rewards. Either cash or a sticker chart and so many stickers = a reward. Sit them down and explain how it will work.
Home schooling just do what you can even if its watching the BBC bitesize. Can you give each one a set 1:1 set period of time? Think at present we all just need to do what we can and lower expectations.

Ihatesandwiches · 12/01/2021 17:37

You can start again tomorrow! How reward driven are your children? I used to give DD a dry pasta shape as a reward. Pick up and put away 3 things, a pasta shape. 10 min reading, a pasta shape. When the glass was full she got a pound to spend in the local shop! We don't do the pasta any more but today I looked in the living room and she said, 'I know, Mum. 3 things'. And picked up her stuff, lol. We did '3 things' after breakfast, before snack, before lunch, before tea and before bed. That's how much stuff we ended up needing to put away!