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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to find it weird that no one has called?

35 replies

SunsetSenora · 11/01/2021 23:15

I feel so let down by people I thought were friends. The background - my mother is dying from non covid causes, and due to the virus, if she goes to a hospice she will only be able to have one visitor a day, with the change it may lock down completely. Its quite right they are being careful, but none of us can stand the idea she would die with no family around her. Her last hospital stay was terrifying (we took her out early and 8 of our 10 points of complaint were upheld by the hospital investigation). So we made a decision to nurse her at home, to give her the best end of her life possible. Over the last month we have got to a point where she cannot lift a glass of water, have a conversation or even turn herself in bed. It is terrible for her, and is the single worst experience of my life. I have never been so tired, have been at the point where I am getting faint and dizzy from exhaustion and have barely been able to keep clean and dressed. Here's the issue. I have a group of female friends of 5+ year duration who have regular group calls since the first lockdown. Over the years we have known each other, people have been through a lot of really challenging issues with family, health and work, and it has always been a really supportive group. Last week I had to skip the call - been up since 5am after mum had had a fit. I spoke to one of the group, and explained what had happened and she told the others I was having a really tough time that day. Since then, no one except that friend has contacted me at all. Bear in mind we have an online chat thread that people post in lots, and there was plenty of chatter on that about the things that they had been talking about during the call. But not one word to me. I wouldnt expect them all to rush to text me immediately, and there is one who probably wouldnt at all, but I would have thought at least one or two would send a quick 'missed you, hope to see you next week' message. I know it is a crappy time for everyone, and people are over stretched, but is it too much to ask that people show some concern for a supposed friend? I dont want to over react, and realize that my situation is not putting me in the best frame of mind or making me the most fun I have ever been. But I feel so hurt and disappointed by them all and their lack of empathy. Again, I want to emphasize, I dont mean they have to call or write loads, but just a quick one line text would have meant the world. I I feel like I want nothing more to do with them at all. AIBU?

OP posts:
Calmandmeasured1 · 11/01/2021 23:35

Maybe they just don't know what to say?

Josette77 · 11/01/2021 23:35

Why not bring it up yourself in the chat? Share how hard and awful it's been.
I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. That sounds awful.
I would reach out to them and let them in. They may be unsure how to approach this.

Enough4me · 11/01/2021 23:38

YANBU for feeling pain, but they may be keeping a distance and worrying that you cannot take anything else on board and just want space.

Xmassprout · 11/01/2021 23:40

I would be hurt as well. But perhaps they was thinking that you wanted to be left alone which was why you didn't join the call, because you wasn't up to talking?

MilkMoon · 11/01/2021 23:41

Honestly, I think a lot of people in the UK are just dreadful at dealing with imminent death and bereavement. Over the years I lived there I almost stopped being shocked by people crossing the road to avoid the recently-bereaved, people returning to workplaces after the funeral of an adult child to absolutely no one mentioning it.

I’m so sorry, OP. You sound as if you’re doing wonders in horrifically difficult conditions, but it sounds as if you’re going to have to ask for the support you need from your friends.

ClaireP20 · 11/01/2021 23:46

OP, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. You sound like a wonderful daughter. Yes, they should message. I don't think there's any excuse. As others have said, perhaps they're at a loss as to what to say. Xx

ILovesPeanuts · 11/01/2021 23:46

I agree with you OP and if I had a friend in your shoes I would absolutely be in touch with a "thinking of you" type message at the very least. However I have been in your shoes, as I was with both my parents when they died, both from long illnesses, so perhaps that helps me. I'm not sure.
You refer to "we" and I'm not sure who that encompasses but if it's siblings maybe they think you want the siblings support more.
Thinking of you Thanks

SunsetSenora · 11/01/2021 23:47

Thank you all. I think you are right, but right now I just dont have it in me to ask them for support. But it is a good reminder not to over react and burn too many bridges. I dont know if I will be able to get over it though. But perhaps things will look different in time.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/01/2021 23:51

Agree op but if they're normally for friends, if they're normally there for you, I'd assume they haven't got a clue what to put.
I've option would be too do a "hey hope everyone's doing ok, were really struggling here etc" and see if you get a "oh yeah, thinking of you. Omg did you see YungBlud on Norton? What was he WEARING??" or a genuine supportive message.

Sending you a huge hug Sunset

MostIneptThatEverStepped · 12/01/2021 00:27

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful.

I agree with others that it's probably partially awkwardness snd not knowing what to say. They might assume you're ok if you don't bring it up. After my mum died and I went back to work, my colleagues who were usually truly lovely, had left a card on my desk for me. Apart from that, no one said a single word to me about my mum, or any of it. It was really weird. They were all a bit younger than me and I don't think they'd been through anything like that before and couldn't put themselves in my place.

I hope things get better for you snd your poor mum in one way or another. I really feel for you xx

thelonggame · 12/01/2021 00:32

So sorry you are struggling, sending a very unmunsnetty hug Flowers

I imagine that your friends just don't know what to say, and may even be scared that your mum has passed. As pp have said we don't cope well talking about end of life and bereavement in the UK and the majority will avoid it.

I really hope that your mum stays as comfortable as possible and that you can get some rest Flowers

cherryblosm · 12/01/2021 00:43

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, it must be really hard for you and I'm sorry your friends aren't being supportive.

Being generous to them - if they still have fit, healthy parents it can be difficult to relate I think. Not to say they shouldn't make an effort but there can be misconceptions that you're too tired/busy or don't want to hear about the trivial things they chatted about.

On the flipside, assuming you're all in your 30s - if not 40s, most people can usually relate a bit more to parents ill health and even if you're tired gut feeling seems to be telling you that they're not giving you the support you need. My formerly best friend - we'd had so many ups an downs together but drifted away over recent years - barely acknowledged it when my dad died and it was pretty much the last straw for us.

I had other, lovely friends who really made an effort, sent me flowers and lovely letters or even a facebook friend at the school gates who remembered this year would be my first christmas without my dad.

You're going to need more help, support and cheering up - so if they're getting you down then what is the point of friends like that?

Wishing you all the best and your mum too. I'm so sorry she's nearing the end of her life but sounds like she has some love and peace around her, it'll make all the difference x

RickiTarr · 12/01/2021 00:52

I think a lot of people rely on knowing the accepted “fall back” behaviours for difficult situations. It can be hard to know what to do to support someone else’s loss or struggle, so we make meals, run errands or just offer to go and hang out with someone, but when practical gestures are off the menu as they are currently, I think maybe it’s thrown us back thirty years into our British awkwardness.

Staffy1 · 12/01/2021 00:55

So sorry about your mum and how hard it must be for you. I really think it's what others have said about your friends not knowing what to say. I hope you are ok and have some help.
Flowers

TooManyKidsSendHelp · 12/01/2021 01:06

I think if they are usually good friends I would just contact them yourself.

If my friend is having a rough time I am always conscious of giving them space and not piling on the pressure by asking for updates and such... I suppose that could be interpreted as me not caring but I promise you that I really do.

Cautionsharpblade · 12/01/2021 01:06

I’m so sorry to hear what a tough time you are having.

I think your friends might need to hear it from you. If one friend has said you’re having a tough time, they perhaps feel that you’ve kept it private and that by saying something to you, they’ve betrayed a confidence?

StartupRepair · 12/01/2021 01:11

I would post on the group chat something like , 'having a really tough time here, could do with thoughts, prayers and messages to get me through the days and nights.'

starfishmummy · 12/01/2021 01:15

They may be giving you space, or could they have arranged that just one person will call you so you are not having to deal with a lot of calls?

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 12/01/2021 01:19

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your Mum, it's physically & emotionally completely draining without a bloody pandemic adding to it!

Your 'friends' have behaved horribly. It's not difficult to send a text, they don't need to 'know what to say'. A simple 'Hi, thinking about you, let me know if I can help in anyway or if you fancy a chat. Missed you the other day xx'

redastherose · 12/01/2021 01:23

People in the uk are generally rubbish about dealing with death. I would imagine that the friend you spoke to has relayed just how tough things are for you at the moment and they either simply don't know what to say or think that maybe that chat is the one outlet you have away from your mum's imminent death and that you won't want to be reminded of it.

Take a few breaths and try not to take it personally, it is a difficult situation for you and your emotions will be maxed out atm.

When my Dad was dying 3 years ago people didn't know what to say to me or my Mum or sister then either. Even close friends don't like to say 'how long has he got left' or ask 'how bad it is' in case they come off as being ghoulish and wanting the details if something inherently personal.

NoProblem123 · 12/01/2021 01:25

I’m sorry you are going through this - nothing helpful to add but thinking of you Flowers

Wingedharpy · 12/01/2021 01:25

I wonder, OP, if your friends think that you are so overwhelmed with your caring responsibilities that you won't have time to read the on line chat thread?
Maybe a post from you along the lines of "I'm still here, though not joining in as much as usual due to looking after Mum" would prompt them?
They possibly feel they don't want to add to demands for your time just now so are waiting to take their cue from you?

Sorry to hear about your Mum.
Nursing is exhausting, demanding work and it's 10 times more difficult when you are caring for your own.
I hope you have some support from other quarters eg. McMillan Nurses etc.

DowntonCrabby · 12/01/2021 01:26

They’re shit friends, either stuck up their own arse or they haven’t been brought up correctly.

I don’t buy or excuse at all the “they don’t know what to say” line.

Since my very very early 20’s I’ve known it’s appropriate to reach out to anyone with words of hope, support or consolation depending on their situation. I’m only 36, my DC would know this too.

oakleaffy · 12/01/2021 01:27

@MilkMoon

Honestly, I think a lot of people in the UK are just dreadful at dealing with imminent death and bereavement. Over the years I lived there I almost stopped being shocked by people crossing the road to avoid the recently-bereaved, people returning to workplaces after the funeral of an adult child to absolutely no one mentioning it.

I’m so sorry, OP. You sound as if you’re doing wonders in horrifically difficult conditions, but it sounds as if you’re going to have to ask for the support you need from your friends.

This.

Death and terminal illness is really quite 'Taboo' in UK.

@SunsetSenora .I think you have written of your Mum before??

It is very difficult nursing someone at home without help.

We did it for Dad, he had a hospital bed with air pumped through it to help prevent pressure sores..

If your Mum cannot turn herself, you need help to turn her, and watch for her heels {these seem to be prone to sores, so need moisturising and protecting} ..But you probably know all this.

Helping a person who cannot stand onto a commode is very tricky, and is a two person job.

It is a hard job, emotionally and physically.

It makes one contemplate one's own mortality, too... A strange,
unsettling feeling at times.

People don't know what to say..

A book I found really helpful was ''You'll get over it'' by Virginia Ironside.

Don't let the title put you off!

It was this platitude people kept saying to her when her Dad was very ill/Dying.

Best wishes to you and your Mum.

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 12/01/2021 01:29

Ooh op I can empathise with you and have felt similar through my experience with my mum, though she is palliative care, not yet end of life care. My heart really goes out to you, such a heart breaking experience for loves ones xxx

My mum has been palliative for around two years now, though we have had many many 'this is it' moments with her. I'm in a stronghold of 5 friends who I share everything with. Before lockdowns we would meet at least monthly. Since the first lockdown we've kept in touch via messenger and they always initially asked how my mum was. I've always been truthful so the reality has not always been good news. Honestly, I've felt that I've brought the group down. I know it's not fair, but with Covid we're all dealing with shit and I guessed that my friends were all 'shit news out'

I have my best friend in the group and she knows where it's at. Sounds like you do too?

I know though if I really need my other friends and reach out to them, they'll be there. I'm sure that will be the same for you too xxx