AIBU to find it weird that no one has called?

[SunsetSenora]

I feel so let down by people I thought were friends. The background - my mother is dying from non covid causes, and due to the virus, if she goes to a hospice she will only be able to have one visitor a day, with the change it may lock down completely. Its quite right they are being careful, but none of us can stand the idea she would die with no family around her. Her last hospital stay was terrifying (we took her out early and 8 of our 10 points of complaint were upheld by the hospital investigation). So we made a decision to nurse her at home, to give her the best end of her life possible. Over the last month we have got to a point where she cannot lift a glass of water, have a conversation or even turn herself in bed. It is terrible for her, and is the single worst experience of my life. I have never been so tired, have been at the point where I am getting faint and dizzy from exhaustion and have barely been able to keep clean and dressed. Here's the issue. I have a group of female friends of 5+ year duration who have regular group calls since the first lockdown. Over the years we have known each other, people have been through a lot of really challenging issues with family, health and work, and it has always been a really supportive group. Last week I had to skip the call - been up since 5am after mum had had a fit. I spoke to one of the group, and explained what had happened and she told the others I was having a really tough time that day. Since then, no one except that friend has contacted me at all. Bear in mind we have an online chat thread that people post in lots, and there was plenty of chatter on that about the things that they had been talking about during the call. But not one word to me. I wouldnt expect them all to rush to text me immediately, and there is one who probably wouldnt at all, but I would have thought at least one or two would send a quick 'missed you, hope to see you next week' message. I know it is a crappy time for everyone, and people are over stretched, but is it too much to ask that people show some concern for a supposed friend? I dont want to over react, and realize that my situation is not putting me in the best frame of mind or making me the most fun I have ever been. But I feel so hurt and disappointed by them all and their lack of empathy. Again, I want to emphasize, I dont mean they have to call or write loads, but just a quick one line text would have meant the world. I I feel like I want nothing more to do with them at all. AIBU?

I think they are just giving you space. I wouldn’t take it as though they don’t care about you. I think the fact that you only told one friend might mean the others don’t want to raise it with you. I think thats ok.

I find it much easier for everyone including myself if I am open and straightforward with my friends when I need some support. Rather than watching them chat online and feeling sad and angry I think you would feel better if you let them know you could do with a bit of support.

People can’t read your mind.

@SunsetSenora

If your Mum does have to be nursed in a hospice, rest assured they are so different to hospitals.

High staff to person ratio, and every person in there is really cared for.

Hospices are not just places ''Where people go to die'', people get their pain relief sorted there, and nausea.

A much loved family member died at one, where her symptoms couldn't be managed at home.

Pre Covid though, so two friends were with her as she slipped away to join her own Mum.

Another one who thinks they don’t know what to say. I don’t think that excuses them. Grown ups should realise that their discomfort is of no consequence in the face of someone else’s terrible grief. But I don’t think they mean to be callous or to hurt you.

I’m so sorry that you are hurt on top of everything else , and so sorry about your Mum.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this OP

Over the years when I have had friends suffer family illness and bereavement I have tried to strike a balance between giving support and letting them know that i’m thinking of them and giving them space to grieve. I’m sure there are times when I haven’t got it quite right and as PPs have mentioned, covid has added a whole new level of awkwardness. I would definitely reach out to your friends, they will probably be worried about you and relieved to hear from you.

I agree with others regarding people not knowing what to say , but it’s really not difficult to send a quick ‘thinking of you, hope you’re ok’ message.
Wishing you all the best Op , I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you

The care you're giving your Mum sounds amazing..but absolutely exhausting and hugely intense. If none of your friends have had to go through the same thing then maybe they lack the empathy to understand.

I remember when I was in my early 20s a close friend phoned to tell me her father had died unexpectedly, I just didn't know what to say and could offer no real comfort.

With the passage of time and sadly more experience of illness and death I think I know now how to respond a bit more generously. It's still hard though to pick the right words.

Maybe your friends don't want to say anything trite so that's why nothing gets said.

What day of the week is the call? Will you be able to join it this week? If not perhaps you could message beforehand asking them to hold you in their thoughts and prayers.

It's so hard what you're doing..I wish you continued strength.

Maybe they're just giving you some space.

You missed a call, they have some potentially vauge 2nd hand info about you being super busy and so think you need space?

is it too much to ask that people show some concern for a supposed friend?

No, it’s not. But I won’t vote- you’re NBU to want more, but it’s not that simple.

The PPs who say it’s nuanced, having been in these situations, are right. A WhatsApp group chat thread is very rarely the right place for serious support. The other members of the group might not feel comfortable messaging on that thread (though doesn’t excuse from reaching out with a personal message). Sometimes you do need to reach out yourself if you want connection- grief, anticipatory grief, it’s very hard to say/do the right thing and from both sides of the fence you can both want/need to support and still find it hard to offer and it doesn’t mean your friendships are t genuine.

I was angry a lot at the unfairness of it all when my mum was dying. Anger has to go somewhere and you should just beware you’re not putting it on people who have good intentions and poor follow-through.

Regarding the hospice - my mum died in hospice during Covid and it was not terrible. As deaths go, she had the best possible death. We couldn’t visit unlimited like pre-COVID. There were masks and rules and plenty of added awfulness. BUT - when she was close to the end they knew, and offered unlimited visitors with unlimited hours. The staff were so kind. We got to hold her hand and each other’s hands and it was gentle and peaceful.

Hospice is not hospital. Please try not to worry.

I’m so sorry it’s all so shit. It’s almost impossibly hard. No one can quite understand how awful this is - and yet because your mum has been ill for ages it almost doesn’t seem real. Cut yourself some slack. Cut your friends some slack. You’re not really angry with them - it’s just a place to direct it.

Sending you strength.

@NoSqirrels. What a thoughtful and kind post. I agree with you.

Thank you all - there are some really helpful ideas on here, and so much support, I am really touched. I know sometimes people can be a bit harsh on here, so all the comments are much appreciated. I will definitely look for the Virginia Ironside book, and am hopeful we can get some more help from the local hospice - we have a meeting this week we hope if the person is back from sick leave. I do feel calmer about the whole thing which has really helped. Thank you all.