Do you speak out when friends upset you?

[Spiritofeden88]

I am someone who believes that if someone upsets you, it’s better to discuss it and tell them rather than let it fester. I appreciate the same from other people too but aibu that it makes me a difficult person?

I have a lot of good friends who have been in my life a long time but sometimes I wonder if my directness is an issue.

How do you communicate?

If someone upsets me I tend to cut them out and not discuss why I'm upset with them. Which has led me to having very few friends! I wish I had the courage to call people out on shitty behaviour. I guess I'm scared of what they'll say...

I think I feel that I am too direct sometimes- it has backfired on my in the past

I internalise all the upset
Find it very difficult to communicate as I hate conflict
I then harbour a grudge that gets worse over time
I eventually disengage from the friendship because if they are offending me it never gets resolved !!
Don’t do what I do !!

I tend to leave it, and then am glad I did because often what upsets you one day, after a few days, you’re no longer bothered by, and you’ll have caused unnecessary bad feelings or awkwardness.

I made a resolution to start speaking out when I was upset, unfortunately I wasn't very good at it. It lead to two huge rows with two DFs. The first I don't think I was actually wrong, the second I had let it build up and it all came out in a way I didn't intend. I'm going back to keeping it in.

Always, I’ve lost friends due to it though.

I have a friend like who might be like you OP. I won’t lie, I find it tiring. She hasn’t found a way of communicating her issues without it seeming confrontational and unnecessary.

I know the intention is good, and people talk a lot about communication being healthy and The Only Way. But honestly, sometimes I wish she would just let some things go or try to read between the lines a little. We went through a phase of arguing a lot and I was forever being summoned to have “a chat” so we could work through issues.

It affected our friendship, I just got tired of it.

But, that’s my story! Maybe you are totally different. I think the problem was that she was upset by quite a lot of things, and was also quite difficult to be around for a while.

So my question to you is, are you often upset by your friends?

Yes. I also try and have a conversation in the hope we can repair things.

@Flupibass

I tend to leave it, and then am glad I did because often what upsets you one day, after a few days, you’re no longer bothered by, and you’ll have caused unnecessary bad feelings or awkwardness.

Yup. Unfortunately it’s actually rather easy for things to become awkward, and you can’t really take things back.

I agree that it’s sometimes good to wait a little while.

@Schmoozer

I internalise all the upset Find it very difficult to communicate as I hate conflict I then harbour a grudge that gets worse over time I eventually disengage from the friendship because if they are offending me it never gets resolved !! Don’t do what I do !!

This is exactly what I do

@GhostCurry I think maybe it’s something I have had to work on - it’s a good question though!

I have one friend who gave me a list of things that upset her that I had done & I just took it on board but when it’s the other way, she doesn’t take it the same way!

Friend dynamics are interesting, especially at the moment

Jeez pp - being summoned for a ‘chat’ sounds exhausting!! Bit too much drama there.

I’m thinking more if someone says something I disagree with or acts like a bit of a prick I’ll say so. Generally based upon my own moral compass though and the problem is that it often doesn’t align with others.

I have a friend who is on a continuous quest to "rid herself of toxicity", "cull" all "negativity" from her life, which includes discussing and expressing every small slight or uncomfortable micro moment. "The other day you saw my message, but didnt reply for three days. This made me feel unimportant and unheard".

She's honestly starting to really fucking piss me off.

People can sometimes clash or upset one another by mistake. Good people can sometimes be thoughtless. Deal with it like an adult and move on without dragging people into introspective discussions about "what exactly happened".

What sort of things do your friends do that you feel you need to talk to them aboug? I'm struggling to think of a time when my friends have upset me, but that's probably why they are my friends. They are sometimes late, or do something a little inconsiderate, but its a rare occurrence and I let it go. I'm sure I sometimes annoy them a little too.

I think some people get a fixed idea in their head about how a certain occasion or meeting will play out and then get upset when it doesn't happen like this. My mum is one of these people, you can have what you think is a lovely time but because something didn't happen like she expected she is upset and having words with people. That's really draining and I don't really have a lot of time for people like that.

I am always very careful about what I say. A lot of the time its not worth getting upset over things so I take some time to think about it and usually move on. If someone turns out to be quite horrible and I'm not even that close with them anyway, I just wouldn't see them any more but wouldn't feel the need to give it much thought. If it was a sibling or very close friend and the issue was really bothering me, I would say something because I really think you need to say something at/soon after the time (after thibkibg) , or let it go.

I can honestly say that most of my friends never do anything to upset me, and the ones that have sometimes upset me, it's so minor that I don't really think its worth confronting them over.
I'd only say anything if it was pretty major and they could do it again. Eg one friend upset me a bit by sacking me as bridesmaid when I was TTC. I wasnt upset because u wanted to be a bridesmaid, actually I didn't as it's not my thing at all, but I was a bit annoyed that I know that she would have been really upset if it had been the other way around, if that makes sense, so she wasnt treating me how she would have liked to be treated. But I didnt say anything as 1. I wasnt bothered about the role so would kind of be cutting off my nose to spite my face if I said anything and 2. She is unlikely to get married and have bridesmaids again so it's not likely to ever come up again and

1. I think part of the reason she did it was because of pressure from her parents who have very set ideas about what's 'proper' and who exert a lot of influence on her life and it's so engrained I think she would struggle to change

I am sure that I am annoying at times, and indeed I look back at certain circumstances and cringe at my occasional lack of empathy or impatience or tactlessness with friends about things. BUT my good friends are all human as am I, and if we annoy each other a bit we just distance ourselves for a few days and then move on. Little niggles are not worth a big ‘conversation’ as it just blows a small thing out of proportion, and when it’s happened to me with certain people I have never wanted to really be proper friends with them again. Friends shouldn’t walk all over you, but equally friends should accept an apology and move on about something trivial. DH is a great sounding board, so if I’m annoyed about a friendship thing, he’ll listen to me moan and then it’s out my system

As I'm easy going generally, I find that friends tend to walk over me sometimes. If it gets too much I do eventually say something, but I usually end up coming off worse as friends then can't cope with being pulled up on their shitty behaviour.

I think 95% of my friends I have never had a cross word with - I just have a couple of feisty friends who I have had cross words with. One is very direct and does the same to me (the one I mentioned above who gave me the list of my misdemeanours). I had another who I fell out with because she lied to me and I found out and it wasn’t very nice.

Words are like water, once spilt, they can never be regathered.
I think real friendship can survive a lot without the need for confrontation.

A lovely friend of mine turned very strange a couple of years ago & I actually really wanted to have it out with her & it was only because we also worked together that I didn't.
After a while she began to reach out & while I kept a bit of distance for a time, we rebuilt our friendship. This would absolutely not have happened if I'd confronted her as she was going through a tough time.
Confrontation isn't always the best way. I certainly wouldn't appreciate being on the other end of it.

I have a friend who was quite confrontational about perceived slights. It was exhausting and took a lot of energy. The things she thought were happening, one sided relationships or other not making as much effort as her were actually down to a massive misperception on her part of the relationship between her other friends and feeling she was treated as less when she really wasn't. It stemmed from low self esteem and a need to put that onto others, and I think an unrealistic view of how other people's friendships were that wasn't really true. She was much happier when she realised we weren't all travelling the length of the country to see each other but leaving her out at all. Not saying this is the case with you, but my experience of people who feel the need to be direct and sometimes confrontational are saying more about how they feel about themselves than the relationships with their friends

Not in a big bust up kind of way, but in a "ooer, that was a bit out of line" type thing and a heartfelt apology on reflection - yes, definitely.

When I was around 32, I found it was ok to not have to have a big circle of friends that included people I didn't actually like, or who obviously didn't like me (think making up numbers to pay for a holiday villa, when they wanted to split the cost not actually spend time with me). It was ok to say no to dinner or a coffee, and have friendships (that actually weren't) fall to the wayside.

I now have a handful of good friends who are all separate from each other (a couple of ex-colleagues from different places, a mum friend, an old neighbour, someone I met on the bus!). It's much nicer.

@elQuintoConyo yes, I don’t mean in a big bust up way either. But in a ‘you were out I’d line there’ or ‘you upset me’ there. I have one friend that is regularly an hour late to meet me- I feel shit like that needs calling out

*out of line

@Whattodo121

I am sure that I am annoying at times, and indeed I look back at certain circumstances and cringe at my occasional lack of empathy or impatience or tactlessness with friends about things. BUT my good friends are all human as am I, and if we annoy each other a bit we just distance ourselves for a few days and then move on. Little niggles are not worth a big ‘conversation’ as it just blows a small thing out of proportion, and when it’s happened to me with certain people I have never wanted to really be proper friends with them again. Friends shouldn’t walk all over you, but equally friends should accept an apology and move on about something trivial. DH is a great sounding board, so if I’m annoyed about a friendship thing, he’ll listen to me moan and then it’s out my system

Are you, in fact, me?? Agree with every word