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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling annoyed at my husband

41 replies

StrangerThings85 · 11/01/2021 07:23

Hi,

I'm mid-thirties, married and have a 6 month old baby. Before having a baby I always knew I wanted children but I think the idea compared to the reality of parenthood has knocked me and my husband for six. I was career driven, I have a good job and I'm looking forward to going back soon. I was supposed to go back to work early and share my leave with my husband however he got a fixed term promotion and asked if I could continue the leave instead so he could embrace his new career choice. I have fully supported him but I'm disappointed. I'm sad that I'm delaying my career further and also annoyed that he hasn't spent any real alone time with his child and this was going to be his chance to really spend some time with him without me being present. I thought it would give him the opportunity to realise it's not easy dealing with a baby all day, every day. Given the pandemic we can't leave the house and go anywhere so it's always the 3 of us, or just me and our child. My husband is an avid gamer, I used to be. We've fallen into the routine of me going to bed early as our child wakes between 4&6am but my husband will stay up late gaming and lie in until he starts work. A pattern I am seeing fall in to the weekend too, for example we both woke early yesterday but because he was up late I had to send my DH to bed for a nap mid morning. He knows I'm down, I cry most days and I'm ringing the GP today to discuss PND. Is it wrong of me to be annoyed at him?

OP posts:

Levirandal · 11/01/2021 07:29

No. Gaming is fine in moderation but if he’s gaming until early in the morning and then needs a nap it’s not fair to leave you carrying the load.

AlwaysCheddar · 11/01/2021 07:31

You sent you dh for a nap? He needs to grow the fuck up and stop enabling this.

AlwaysCheddar · 11/01/2021 07:31

Got for walks by yourself. Get him to deal with baby.

hellasciously · 11/01/2021 07:33

Do you have a support bubble with anyone as your child is under 1? Do you go for daily walks? Getting out will make you feel better. Definitely speak to your GP.

When it comes to your partner it's time for him to grow the fuck up. You need to talk to him about his gaming times. If he won't listen it would be enough for me to kick him out if it is affecting family life which it seems to be.

RJnomore1 · 11/01/2021 07:36

Had to send your DH to bed for a nap cos he was up late?

😂

No you didn’t.

He stays up he deals with the consequences. He’s not an over tired toddler! Stop facilitating this nonsense. You’re not u to be annoyed about your career though but if his promotion is fixed term I get the logic in it, just make sure it is a temporary arrangement and you don’t end up suffering career wise.

pumpkinpie01 · 11/01/2021 07:39

Fgs why is he spending so much time gaming when he has a baby ! He needs to grow up and get off it he's not a teenager. Gaming is addictive he needs to be paying attention to you and his baby not a bloody screen. Just tell him straight he needs to get his act together.

RealMermaid · 11/01/2021 07:43

Your DH should start taking on some of the early mornings. It's only fair, especially given he's working from home and has no commute. That way he has some time looking after the baby alone, and you get some extra sleep and a chance to game some evenings. That's how my husband and I split it, after the first six months or so. Are you breastfeeding? Obviously that can make a difference too. I suggest too that you organise some KIT days with your work and get your husband to take leave to look after the baby on those days, so you can reconnect with your job.

Ticklemynickel · 11/01/2021 07:44

He needs to step up - I'd be taking myself out for a nice long walk/run and leaving him with the baby regularly so he can get some hands on experience. And he needs to just deal with being tired if it's his turn to get up - don't enable his behaviour.

june2007 · 11/01/2021 07:46

Trouble with gaming my husband doesn,t play so much these days but it does seem to be a nocturnal activity 1 hunt can last hours. I hear you. How much time left on parental leave. ? Can you go back to work and use child care now? If he has jjust got promotion I understand why now may not be ideal to take parental leave.
You do need to get him to do more at wkends. Also canhe bath baby do bed time routine on wk days?

shouldistop · 11/01/2021 07:53

What has he said when you've told him this isn't acceptable to you?

Weenurse · 11/01/2021 07:54

Take it in turns to sleep in on the weekends. Take at least 1/2 a day for yourself on the weekend so DH is responsible for DC.
Take some time for yourself each day so DH has to deal with DC. Even if it going for a walk or drive for an hour.
I used to clean and do dishes while DH did bath, bottle, story and bed.
If I was around initially, then DH would look for me to ‘fix’ things. I ended up going back to work evenings and weekends when DC1 was six weeks old. DH had to cope and developed his own routine. I was not there to interfere. We also took turns to take sick leave as I pointed out, both our jobs were important.
DC realised both parents had important jobs and Dad was not more important than Mum, even though he brought in more money.
Good luck

PurpleFlower1983 · 11/01/2021 07:54

The gaming is the issue! Your husband needs to grow up!

Scaredykittycat · 11/01/2021 07:56

Reading the first half, it all sounded quite normal to me. Not many men take paternity leave like you two planned. But him not helping you? That’s outrageous.

When our children were very young, at the weekend we would alternate lie ins. And when they were very small and I was up most of the night, my DH never got a lie in. I was left to sleep whilst he got up with them.

He is not being supportive and it is his responsibility to go to bed at a reasonable hour or he will just have to get on with feeling like rubbish if he gets up early.

You need a frank conversation and a legitimate request for assistance. You both wanted and made this baby. You are both parents. Just because you are the primary carer, it doesn’t mean you are the SOLE carer.

SuperHighway · 11/01/2021 08:02

You have UHD, useless husband depression. He really needs to step up. My DH is far from perfect but he was great when ours were small.

Freewheelingoryx · 11/01/2021 08:05

Fhs NYADNBU. Disappointed? I'd be absolutely fuming! If you have compromised (and it is a huge compromise) with regard to his career then the very least he needs to do is step up in every way possible, which btw he should be doing anyway. It's sad that he doesn't see this or does see it and chooses to ignore it. And to do this when you are struggling and depressed is pretty heartless tbh.

In your shoes I wouldn't tell him in advance about your gp appt , but would wake him up early on that morning, hand him the baby - saying you have to go out and en route I would be dropping some vital parts of his gaming equipment off in a socially distanced way with a friend or family for safe keeping. And I would stay away for the rest of the day if that's possible with current rules even if I was just parked up around the corner having a nap. Sorry but his behaviour is immature, cheeky and downright selfish.

It's almost like in his head having been "given permission" to embrace his career, he has shrugged off all his parental responsibilities too. He needs to understand that that isn't the case at all. He frankly needs a shock to the system and a swiftly executed boot to the rear.

RedskyAtnight · 11/01/2021 08:21

Your partner needs to help you more.
But why shouldn't you go back to work when you originally planned? I really wouldn't get into the habit of putting your career on the back seat to cover for your husband. Also, I found going back to work helped me get over my PND; it might help you as well.

PricklesAndSpikes · 11/01/2021 08:30

What does he say when you sit him down and explain properly how you are feeling? Why are you "sending him for a nap"??? If he's tired because of his own actions then tough monkeys, he needs to get on with the day and have an early night. Stop treating him like a child and insist he behaves like an adult and pulls his proper weight with his own child! Otherwise you will be back on here after having another baby and complaining you live with a lazy man-child who "has always been like this".

Morgan12 · 11/01/2021 08:35

You had to send him for a nap?

Jeezo my vagina would shrivel away to nothing if I had to be like this with DH.

It's hard to view someone sexually when you're basically being their Mother.

Nip it in the bud right now. Its sad that you even have to explain this to an adult man but seems like you need to spell it out for him.

olympicsrock · 11/01/2021 08:41

He needs to sort out his gaming addiction and stop behaving like a child.
No wonder you feel alone if you are basically alternating sleep and not having quality time together.
He can’t have everything his own way.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/01/2021 08:47

Have you told him to grow up yet?

You are raising one child, he really doesn't need to be the second.

Doomsdayiscoming · 11/01/2021 08:57

Why would you let a child look after your new born?

IdblowJonSnow · 11/01/2021 09:03

Agree with the above, he is taking the piss, especially as you have put your career on hold so he can further his. This is no repayment for your kindness/generosity.
I would be beyond resentful. Can you sort some childcare and get back to work? His gaming needs to stop or he needs to go.

TonMoulin · 11/01/2021 09:10

I love it how those men suddenly get THE promotion that means they can’t fulfill the responsibility they were supposed to. take.

I suspect the crying is more to do with the sheer tiredness and the frustration at his lack of support.

Time for a rethink and to demand he is acting like a father and a decent partner..
He needs to get half of the mornings . He needs to be left on his own with dc whilst you do what YOU want (not what needs to be done). And you need as much time out as he gets.

Btw I would also make it clear that next time there is an opportunity for you at work, HE is the one whose career will take a set back (if need be) just like yours did when you supported him.

TonMoulin · 11/01/2021 09:13

Btw the gaming is NOT the issue here.

The issue is a man who thinks he can get away with not acting as a loving father and partner AND still get the full support of his partner to carry on his own pursuits

Pechanga · 11/01/2021 09:18

Putting your life on hold, so he can game, progress his career and take naps.....no this isn't ok.

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