Feeling annoyed at my husband

[StrangerThings85]

Hi,

I'm mid-thirties, married and have a 6 month old baby. Before having a baby I always knew I wanted children but I think the idea compared to the reality of parenthood has knocked me and my husband for six. I was career driven, I have a good job and I'm looking forward to going back soon. I was supposed to go back to work early and share my leave with my husband however he got a fixed term promotion and asked if I could continue the leave instead so he could embrace his new career choice. I have fully supported him but I'm disappointed. I'm sad that I'm delaying my career further and also annoyed that he hasn't spent any real alone time with his child and this was going to be his chance to really spend some time with him without me being present. I thought it would give him the opportunity to realise it's not easy dealing with a baby all day, every day. Given the pandemic we can't leave the house and go anywhere so it's always the 3 of us, or just me and our child. My husband is an avid gamer, I used to be. We've fallen into the routine of me going to bed early as our child wakes between 4&6am but my husband will stay up late gaming and lie in until he starts work. A pattern I am seeing fall in to the weekend too, for example we both woke early yesterday but because he was up late I had to send my DH to bed for a nap mid morning. He knows I'm down, I cry most days and I'm ringing the GP today to discuss PND. Is it wrong of me to be annoyed at him?

You sent him for a nap because he stayed up all night gaming?!!!! That's awful behaviour. You should tell him, no more late nights, he need to help out in the mornings. Take turns to get up. Go back to work like planned.

The other comments are good ones. It’s not the gaming, it’s the man overall.

I wouldn’t be sending him for a nap! He chose to stay up late gaming, he can be tired all day!

I was supposed to go back to work early and share my leave with my husband however he got a fixed term promotion and asked if I could continue the leave instead so he could embrace his new career choice. I have fully supported him but I'm disappointed. I'm sad that I'm delaying my career further
Then you should have said no and returned to work as planned.

My husband is an avid gamer, I used to be. We've fallen into the routine of me going to bed early as our child wakes between 4&6am but my husband will stay up late gaming and lie in until he starts work. A pattern I am seeing fall in to the weekend too,
So when are you and your DH together? What is the point in a marriage where you aren't a part of each other's lives?

we both woke early yesterday but because he was up late I had to send my DH to bed for a nap mid morning.
What are you - his mother? You sent him to bed? 😂😂😂

Does he not get involved in parenting when he is home at all? He needs to give up or drastically reduce the time spent gaming. You need to discuss both your expectations of the marriage and parenting and work out how to share out everything more fairly. I don't think you can change his job situation for now but at least it is a fixed term promotion.

You can be annoyed with him but id be more annoyed with myself if I were you - you’re enabling him. Time to start taking back some control otherwise the bitterness will eat away at you.

Don't have any more babies with this man OP. It will only get worse.

@TonMoulin

I love it how those men suddenly get THE promotion that means they can’t fulfill the responsibility they were supposed to. take.

I suspect the crying is more to do with the sheer tiredness and the frustration at his lack of support.

Time for a rethink and to demand he is acting like a father and a decent partner..
He needs to get half of the mornings . He needs to be left on his own with dc whilst you do what YOU want (not what needs to be done). And you need as much time out as he gets.

Btw I would also make it clear that next time there is an opportunity for you at work, HE is the one whose career will take a set back (if need be) just like yours did when you supported him.

Yeah I agree with this.

Some men suddenly get promotions, or much more hours at work when a baby comes along, and they are having to step up with much more responsibility.

I know a few men who were never there when the kids were young, 'because work.' Now the kids have left home, they work just 20-24 hours a week, (compared to the 50 hours they did when the kids were at home.)

In addition, their wife can't get them out of the house when they're at home, yet they were rarely there when the kids lived at home.

And even when they were, they were too tired to do anything, so the wife/mother of the children did everything. Housework, shopping, cooking, taking the kids to medical appointments, school run, taking the kids to their hobby groups and extra curricular activities etc... Sometimes she worked part-time too

Sorry @StrangerThings85 your DH may have been on board with having a baby, but now it's here, he is shirking his responsibilities. And whilst I don't think gaming is for kids, and it's perfectly OK to play as an adult; the way HE is behaving is the way I would expect a 15 y.o. boy to behave.

You need to start laying down ground rules NOW, because this won't get better. As a few posters have said, leave the baby with him while you have a walk, or a nap. Please don't take on all the responsibility and drudgery.

Hope it all gets better for you soon.

YANBU. My partner is a gamer too. We've been together for 3 years, and had to have some serious conversations about how to balance things. He used to want to be gaming all hours of the day, and didn't seem to realise how lonely that made me feel, sitting downstairs on my own. He'd bolt down his meals - or even say he wasn't hungry and just ask me to save him some - before disappearing back again.

I told him that I couldn't put up with this anymore, and that I didn't even feel like I was in a relationship.

Now, he only games when I have something I want to do. For example, I like having a few hours of peace to either watch some TV that he doesn't like (trash haha) or read my book without being interrupted. So, the usual pattern now is that he'll spend time with me when he gets home from work mid afternoon, and he'll stay here until after dinner. Then, he'll go on the computer for a few hours, and I'll do my own thing and have a bath, and he'll come down at 10ish and we'll watch some TV together and have a chat before coming to bed.

The going to bed together REALLY makes a difference. We're both happier, his sleeping patterns are better, everyone's a winner.

Your 'compromise' will be different as you have a small child, but it's important to make that compromise. Talk it through.

Of course, he has to WANT to change. If he doesn't, that's a much bigger problem.

Another man opting out of family life. I don't know how you are feeding but the least he should do is some of the mornings. Seeing the doctor for possible PND is sensible and I hope your DH takes this seriously.

You're not his mum. Agree with him his responsibilities and then let him suffer the consequences of his choices. I think he should have your baby every day at 5pm for an hour so you can relax, go for a walk, have a bath etc. He should be on duty all night every Fri so you get a full night's sleep. He should do the morning get up one weekend morning and at least one weekday morning. He should do the 7-midnught shift twice a week.

Or something similar. You need breaks! He needs to be a parent.

My DH and I used to have a system where each of us had one hour off in the Saturday and Sunday and the other one had the DC, that worked well. I’d often read the Sunday papers and my DH oils watch sports when he had his hour.
I think one weekend morning each for a lay in would be fair and your DH has to get up with the baby no matter what time he went to bed.
I also think leaving the house by yourself such as to go to the supermarket or for a walk would do you good.

Sorry OP but as far as I’m concerned the only one I send for naps is my DD my partner works shifts so sometimes sleeps in the day but only because he’ll be working at night and even then he always asks if I’m ok if I need help or want a break for a bath etc before hand. You both chose to have a baby he needs to get his priorities sorted!

Go back to work.

@SnuggyBuggy

Another man opting out of family life. I don't know how you are feeding but the least he should do is some of the mornings. Seeing the doctor for possible PND is sensible and I hope your DH takes this seriously.

'Another man opting out of family life.'

Yep. When a man does this, it's because he's overworked, stressed, overtired, and 'needs his space' blah blah blah.

But if a woman did the same, she'd be labelled an irresponsible selfish bitch, and a bad mother.

It seems to be OK (in the eyes of some,) for da menz to piss off, and detach themselves from family life, (and all the responsibilities that entails,) when they want some 'me time.' But God forbid a woman does it.

I think there are two separate things here. I would not have an issue with prioritising my partner's career over mine at a particular point in time (if they get or are trying to get a promotion, if they have a new job, etc), but I would expect that they would do the same for me when it made sense for my own career. I think that's part of the decisions and compromises couples make when they have a family. However, what you describe here seems to go beyond that, he is not equal parent and does not engage with his baby as he should irrespective of your jobs and careers. So the whole late gaming, sleeping in, not getting up with the baby, not giving you any rest imply he may not be an equal partner and parent and this is the bigger issue and (in my mind) a separate point to the career question.

You and your partner need to have equal leisure time. There is absolutely no justification whatsoever for him to have hours and hours to dedicate to gaming while you're getting up at the crack of dawn every single day (does your baby wake at night as well?) and looking after your JOINT child every waking moment. If he thinks looking after a baby is so easy then he can do it every minute he's not working. If he thinks it's hard then he can split it with you because he loves you, yes?

I would think anyone would feel depressed if their partner expected them to have sole care of a baby, do all of the early mornings, have no lie ins or naps, presumably do the vast majority of the housework and have no downtime while they saw fit only to go to work and game. Is he actually doing LESS at home now than before he had a baby?? How does he justify that one!?