to only communicate with my Ex husband via email?

[Vigorothello]

Posting here for traffic, please be gentle but honest!

I am separated from my STBXH who is an emotionally and financially abusive controlling arse. He is meant to see our children EOW but makes excuses why he can’t, ranging from the driving - he chose to move 40 miles away, to not wanting to drive at night, to his flat mate isolating and there’s nowhere to take them, to he’s exhausted, etc. He has had them overnight once. Mostly he has them for a few hours and then all they do is sit on his PlayStation and he lets them eat shite. He doesn’t like to do two consecutive days as it’s too tiring. You get the picture...

However, he is also v controlling and goes out of his way to attempt to spoil things, changes plans at the last minute if he suspects I might have booked something etc. He FaceTimes one of them for hours and they game online. And he was texting me telling me where I’m going wrong, why are they still up, why have they had McDonald’s twice in a week etc. It’s without fail abusive. He manages to turn every interaction with me into a rant about how unfair it is that I’m divorcing him and what a horror I am. So I blocked him.
I said email me.

He calmed down but the last couple of days has messaged me on FB. As usual it’s reasonable at first and then he gets into his set piece of how horrible I am. It’s like pressing play on a tape.
So I blocked him.

I said email me if you need to discuss the children, and copy in your solicitor because I’ll be sending your abuse to mine.

He still expects to FaceTime the children when he likes, although in reality it’s only one of them and in my opinion he winds him up. And also I don’t want my ex husband’s face looking around my house! He gets the kids to report on me and I caught one of them taking pictures of the inside of the fridge because he wanted to know what shopping i was buying!

So, AIBU to only communicate via email with him? And what is reasonable regarding FaceTime/phone contact with the kids? Currently they have a limit on their phone of 2 hours FaceTime max, and phones off at 9:30, which I think is more than reasonable.

Thoughts please.

Email only, the fucking twat. Keep close tabs on your children's phones.

What’s reasonable as far as the kids’ phones go?

You are absolutely entirely reasonable on this!

You're being very reasonable and did right to block him on FB.

@Minky37

You are absolutely entirely reasonable on this!

Tell then to stay in one place whilst they are FT him ie no walking around. We have this rule as matter of course find it a massive invasion of privacy anyway (and I don’t want anyone to see me lounging in my pj’s).

How old are kids?

12 and 10

I don’t want him to accuse me of stopping his contact with the kids.

You are not being unreasonable. You are not stopping contact with his kids, he is, by moving away, making excuses, etc. This is a power play--he wants you and your children to be at his beck and call. Don't fall for it. Set limits and hold to them.

YANBU x 100. email and cc your solicitor is entirely reasonable under the circumstances. Face time with DC in one place and no walking into other rooms. Keep calls short to limit amount of winding up of DC. 15 mins is enough for him to check in and have a chat.

@Aquamarine1029

Email only, the fucking twat. Keep close tabs on your children's phones.

Absolutely agreed 🌺

Firstly well done on blocking the twat and for seeing him for what he is. It is all about control. However, he is being naive as his behaviour re: contact will come back to haunt him at court. I would however call WA for advice, as they are more knowledgable about abusive men and could give you some specific advice that your solicitor may not know.

Tell your DC, that they may only FT him in one room (not their bedroom) and they are not to walk around. I would limit the time to 15 mins as the PP suggested a few times a week and would also, email him telling him that the DC will be available for FT at X time on X days.

I've been through similar op. It's so draining!

All I can say with absolute certainty is that he will get bored. For him to continue with these ridiculous actions takes a lot of energy and in reacting in a calm measured way (as you are) , will bore the crap out of him.

Try not to worry about fridge photos and ridiculous accusations too much , no family court judge will pay attention to any of this stuff.

What was recommended for phone contact with my kids and their father was that a bedtime (ish) phone call was reasonable. As long as you're supporting that then you're good. I echo what a pp said about video calls staying in one spot , preferably in their rooms.

I'm 10/15 years down the line from you and their dad has pushed them away. They have little to do with him and avoid his calls.

A final word - just thank the Lord that you don't live with him anymore. Imagine being stuck in lockdown with that prick.

Good luck

If you feel strong enough, let him crack on. These men always hang themselves if you give them enough rope. If not, batten down the hatches. 15 mins of scheduled facetime a couple of times per week. Contact on one device only, block his number on all other devices. Contact with you via email only.

He'll soon find a new 'supply' GF & he'll disappear then.

I think it's unreasonable to limit phone contact to 15 minutes based on what's here. I'd suggest posting in legal to see if a judge would back this.

Absolutely email only, 100%. If he's continuing with the abuse then if it's written down he can't dispute it. And make a diary of each time he changes plans with the kids. NEVER change what you've got planned with them on your contact time because he decides to change stuff (of course you will have to change your own plans when he inevitably lets them down on his time..)

Endless facetiming IS an invasion of privacy and yes, that can be legally' controlled' - it can certainly be limited by a judge. Speak to the children about it first though. They're old enough to be told that dad seeing in the fridge is unnecessary - and a bit wierd! And if they've witnessed animosity they should understand that it makes you uncomfortable for him to be able to 'spy' inside your safe place - home

At 12 and 10, they would be handing their phones over to me for the night at 8pm, not 9.30pm. That’s very late for a child to be on a phone.

Thanks all. My fear is that he will finally get his own place (apparently it’s my fault that he hasn’t) and then try and go for more access. Initially he was saying he wanted them 50/50 although it became very clear that he had no idea what that meant in real terms, let alone how unsuitable it would be for the children. But he’s crackers so it’s impossible to reason with him.

He is making noises how he doesn’t like the school that eldest is at, and perhaps thinking about one in his new home town and I want to ensure that I have been utterly reasonable and that he has no wiggle room for this nonsense.

@paigematthews it’s later than it would be normally as he isn’t up for school, but I take your point.

@Vigorothello

Thanks all. My fear is that he will finally get his own place (apparently it’s my fault that he hasn’t) and then try and go for more access. Initially he was saying he wanted them 50/50 although it became very clear that he had no idea what that meant in real terms, let alone how unsuitable it would be for the children. But he’s crackers so it’s impossible to reason with him.

He is making noises how he doesn’t like the school that eldest is at, and perhaps thinking about one in his new home town and I want to ensure that I have been utterly reasonable and that he has no wiggle room for this nonsense.

What's he going to do with 50/50 if he two days in a row is too much?!

I've never been there, don't have. Children yet, but 100% think YANBU. I don't know you, but I'm proud of how you've dealt with this :) in years to come, your children will be too.

I would suggest keeping a record of everything eg what days/ times he has contact, when he is late etc. Keep it entirely factual. Only communicate via email and keep all emails.

He may well go to court for more access, it's certainly likely he'll continue to use this as a threat so make sure you have evidence of his attitude to contact now which you can show your solicitor if you need to.

Well yes because he thought that he could choose when the 50/50 was, and that one week on, one week off would be fine.

I recognise that it’s hard to find things to do during lockdown. But he won’t budge on anything so I end up putting it all through the lawyers. He won’t flex if he thinks it’s what I want - eldest really needed his support this weekend, and I suggested that stbxh drove over to take him for a walk and a bit of lunch/car picnic etc. Ex said no, It was too far, and “why can’t you take him for a drive?” I said I see him all the time, he needs his dad, but no, he wouldn’t budge because it wasn’t his idea of “quality time”, whatever the hell that is.

And I pointed out it was actually his weekend to have them anyway and he said that there was nothing he could do, I had initiated the divorce, this is all my fault, tough if I don’t like it, as infinitum. So I blocked him.

My ex wanted 50/50 despite never having changed a nappy, never prepared a meal or got up at night. He couldn't cope with EOW and now the kids see him twice a year. 50/50 can only work if parents live reasonably close by, no judge will force you to get them to school 40 miles from where they are settled currently (as long as where he's at now is not actually crap).

@franceshaha that’s my fear.

@ffsffs his school is amazing and he’s happy there.