to only communicate with my Ex husband via email?

[Vigorothello]

Posting here for traffic, please be gentle but honest!

I am separated from my STBXH who is an emotionally and financially abusive controlling arse. He is meant to see our children EOW but makes excuses why he can’t, ranging from the driving - he chose to move 40 miles away, to not wanting to drive at night, to his flat mate isolating and there’s nowhere to take them, to he’s exhausted, etc. He has had them overnight once. Mostly he has them for a few hours and then all they do is sit on his PlayStation and he lets them eat shite. He doesn’t like to do two consecutive days as it’s too tiring. You get the picture...

However, he is also v controlling and goes out of his way to attempt to spoil things, changes plans at the last minute if he suspects I might have booked something etc. He FaceTimes one of them for hours and they game online. And he was texting me telling me where I’m going wrong, why are they still up, why have they had McDonald’s twice in a week etc. It’s without fail abusive. He manages to turn every interaction with me into a rant about how unfair it is that I’m divorcing him and what a horror I am. So I blocked him.
I said email me.

He calmed down but the last couple of days has messaged me on FB. As usual it’s reasonable at first and then he gets into his set piece of how horrible I am. It’s like pressing play on a tape.
So I blocked him.

I said email me if you need to discuss the children, and copy in your solicitor because I’ll be sending your abuse to mine.

He still expects to FaceTime the children when he likes, although in reality it’s only one of them and in my opinion he winds him up. And also I don’t want my ex husband’s face looking around my house! He gets the kids to report on me and I caught one of them taking pictures of the inside of the fridge because he wanted to know what shopping i was buying!

So, AIBU to only communicate via email with him? And what is reasonable regarding FaceTime/phone contact with the kids? Currently they have a limit on their phone of 2 hours FaceTime max, and phones off at 9:30, which I think is more than reasonable.

Thoughts please.

I agree with others re email only. Facetime I think shouldn't be limited but if he tries to keep them talking over dinner / bedtime etc is reasonable to end the call there. I really wouldn't worry too much about 50/50. Clearly he can't even stick to eow so not only is he unlikely to be awarded it, he's unlikely to actually want it. Is he paying at least cms maintenence?

Remember that if he does end up going to court (and a lot of men like this don't because it's both expensive and they like keeping it as a threat) then the courts concern is what is best for children. Taking a child out of a school they are settled in for example is never going to be seen as best for them.

Omg after last nights blocking he’s sent me the logins for the children’s school meal payments! He has always paid these but it would appear this is my job now. (Eldest is in school with EHCP)

Husband doesn’t pay maintenance/child maintenance any more. He’s covering the mortgage though, because that contributes to his asset, see? We haven’t sorted the finances yet.

He was paying the princely sum of £120 a week but on the rare occasions when he actually saw the kids, he would deduct £20 from that, for petrol.

He is a company director of a multinational finance firm. Yep.

Hmmm you could go to CMS and he will have to pay maintenance regardless of whether he still pays the mortgage.

What will happen if he stops paying the mortgage? Can you afford it on your own? Are you going to need to sell anyway?

You're doing all the right things, just keep at it.

I only communicate with my exh via email (a separate email that isn't linked to my phone so I don't have notifications pinging thru) and text (I've changed his name to "adult human male" so his name doesn't show up at all when he texts)

He won't do or say anything extreme via these means, so all I have to do is field emotionally manipulative rubbish, rather than out and out nasty shit. I'm very boring when I do communicate with him; I usually send a thumbs up to his texts and I repeat myself as necessary in my emails (he is currently moaning about following the court order he agreed to...meh)

I can't believe I ever fell for the prick.

What an idiot! I thinking you are doing the right thing by involving solicitors. They will get you what you are entitled too and I don't think he see's that. Can you have a word with your solicitor for advice?

Actually I'm not sure Random mess is right about that.. Definitely get advice on that. You really do need to get professional legal help now. Cms rates are pretty rubbish. Ex erns around 38k and I get around £450 a month for 2 kids on an eow basis.

What a prince.

Could you use the maintenance to pay the mortgage?
Does it work that way?
Restrict access to emails and 10 minutes of face time.
Face time to be in a certain chair/ spot.

I had to do the same for my ex. Email only.
It’s draining, I hear you.

You are totally doing the right thing and I’ve never unblocked him in 5ish years now and it’s much better. However, in the meantime he will sink lower if he’s anything like my ex (sounds it!).
He told the dc I’d blocked him with some sob story so when he was with them he’d ask them to call me on their phones, and I’d get questions from them as to why I’d blocked him, and obviously he’d made it out that I was super petty and he was the victim.

My answer to that was “I speak to your dad via email, he’s got your numbers to talk to you directly”

It made me feel like shit because he involved the children in it, what normal adults don’t do, but they did get over it and 5 years on, let’s put it this way....they understand!

Also go to CSM.

It’s painful, he’ll kick and scream and shout and accuse, but you’ve got to do it.

I insisted on email only. Court said I was being unreasonable :(

Were your children very young @Nonamesavail?

I can understand it if the dc are very young and don’t have their own phones

What did the court say @nonamesavail?

Can you pay the mortgage if he stops?

What an absolute cunt he is, using the children is awful.

Email only and I'd also be saying you email on a Wednesday only, to advise that weekends visit. I will on,y answer that email.

Get all the finances sorted too for home, and go through the authorities to get him to pay maintenance. Cheeky fecker

Email for you but I think the ages your children are means that they should be able to facetime him whenever they're allowed their phones.

Dont ask him to do anything for you or the children however much you think it is needed. It just gives him the opportunity to mess you about and control the situation more. Tell him what days and times the children are available for contact with him. He either sees them at this time or waits until the next contact time.
Start legal proceedings for splitting finances etc and contact cms. Take back control

Mine told my child that to tell me that I needed to bring him to the hairdressers/barbers to get his hair cut properly. Theres no excuse not to apparently. Except.... All non-essential shops and services have been closed in my town for over a month now. Apparently there's a bug going round. Its been in the news and everything.
Just compartmentalise his nonsense as much as possible and try not to let him get to you (easier said than done) or rather, worry about what he is saying when you are dealing with it in concrete ways - answering emails, talking to solicitors, and enjoy life the rest of the time.

How old are your children? When my children were 9-10 I had some hassle like this off their dad and his ex.... I took the children’s phones away and told them why. Your child is wrong to be taking photos of the inside of your fridge, and children that age do not need a phone.
For me I was trying for the children to not be involved in adult matters so I took the phones and and finally court allowed him one FaceTime a week.
I don’t know anyone who would allow free rein on FaceTiming. It’s invasive from anyone especially an ex.

My son is 2 so it's a ways off til we get to videocalls like yours but I've switched to email only communication with my mum as an emergency contact if he needs to get something across urgently. I have no direct communication with him other than email. We'll see on the 26th if the courts think that's acceptable

I had email only at court for the parents, then he requested wattsapp as our child has a medical need, so I agreed to that.
Initially he wanted court ordered facetime with the kiddies, as it was an invasion of my home (privacy) he got 2 phone calls per week ONLY while not seeing them (covid).

Now things are more settled, the kids have a phone and call when they want, and do face time but sat down in one place without me in the room. They ask before hand and if too late (after 7pm) I say no call in morning. It just winds everyone up.
Dad calls or leaves wattsapp messages GIFS which the kids like.
It keeps Comms open and positive for the little ones....but it's taken a few years to get here.

Ok I’m going to speak to my solicitor this morning.

I think you should be contacting your solicitor again for further advice.

I'd also be contacting the DVLA about his wish not to drive at night, alleging poor eyesight.