...to think that partners can be too attentive?

[Leavemeaminute]

DP is staying with me at present.

I’m finding him too attentive. We’re sat on the sofa various shite on the telly, I’m doing bits and bobs on my phone and iPad, etc.

He’s just constantly at me like “are you okay?”, “you look sad?”, “you seem a bit distracted”, “can I do anything for you?”, “how’s your insert ailment?”, “is your coffee okay?”.

God, it’s exhausting. I feel like I can’t just sit here with my resting bitch face and doom-scroll without having to appraise my emotional and physical state every 30 seconds.

This all sounds benign enough.

But there is a something that always makes me a bit more uncomfortable. He seems to unnecessarily concern himself with my concentration on whatever is on the TV at the time. In my peripheral vision I see his head swing in my direction to check if I’m paying it my full attention, particularly if I’ve been on my phone a little while. And occasionally he’ll try to catch me out by going “OMG, did you see that?!” at what he perceives to be a significant scene, and when I’m like “oh, I didn’t see it, what happened?”, he’ll get all huffy and make a show of rewinding even though I couldn’t give two shits.

I just feel so surveilled all the time, during what should be my down time. Is this normal?

It’s obviously nice to have a partner concerned with my well-being, as I’ve had one too far the opposite way and that was awful, but this is quite suffocating.

I would find it very annoying, but equally I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who’s always on their fucking phone.

Gawd that sounds really offputting. Is he insecure in other ways? Is it a relatively new relationship?

he’s watching football, but he still needs my input, “look at this goal”, “hahha, look at player”, etc etc.

This reminds me of my DSs. They are 5 and 6.

Yeah he sounds seriously needy - an extremely off-putting trait in any adult

We’ve been together 2.5 years.

I guess it’s more noticeable lately because there aren’t really many outside the house activities to do.

Not considering breaking up. He’s hind and patient and warm and I know he’ll be a wonderful dad to any future children. I just need to find a way to let him know that I am an independent and robust adult woman and don’t need to be babied. I think he has all five love languages

*kind

Out of interest OP if you do it in reverse does he like it?

I’m not the bitch that I’ve obviously portrayed myself to be in my OP. But this seems very co-dependent. I don’t get anything done when he’s here because unless we’re glued together on the sofa with our eyes staring at the TV he will constantly seek reassurance.

You don’t sound like a bitch at all, OP. Meanwhile his attention needs sound remarkably similar to those of a toddler!

@AppleKatie He gets frustrated and doesn’t understand why I keep asking, will just tell me he’s fine.

Where was he living before? Did he need constant attention from his family/flat mates? He sounds as if he desperately needs to fill every silence. I guess you’ll have to be firm if you want to do something else. I expect when lockdown is over and he has other friends and distractions things will become easier. And you ANBU - hope you manage to stay sane in the meantime!

I think if you see a future with this guy you need to actually address the fact that you are now in a place where just because you're in the same house, you don't have to be actively doing something together. I don't live with my dp. Not seen him much at all in the last year so when he is here we generally are 'together `, watching or doing something but if we haw a rare opportunity to send more than a couple of days together I will at some point say' right, I'm going to get on with x, you feel free to do whatever'. Being on a permanent date is exhausting.

He lives with his Mum (I’m in a bubble with them as I live alone). He’s due back to work tomorrow so it will be back to some midweek evenings and weekend contact.

You can tell from the responses on this thread that there are folk who love this kind attentiveness and other folk (like me) who would want to stick forks in his eyes within the first 10 minutes of being in a room with him. I'd start taking the dog out for 8 hour walks if I had to share a house with him.

The constant reassurance seeking would utterly do my head in. He obviously won't leave you alone if you're in the same room, so I think you need fixed activities that can be done elsewhere in the house so that when he's watching football, for example, you can go off and do your own thing. How about pretending you're getting into yoga and meditation. Silently. In a room on your own... where he is not....

My husband is like that OP. Are you ok? do you want a drink? do you want to put your feet up on me? It is constant sometimes and inside makes me go arghhhhh!

BUT when I'm ill, when I'm hungover, when my mum died, when something is going badly, he is my rock, he handles everything, he cooks, cleans, serves me drinks and is so so caring and considerate. So there are pro's.

We now each evening just say what we are going to do. So we either say "fancy watching a film?" and then if you are watching together, put the phones down and engage and watch together. I do think it's important to have shared experiences, even if it's a box set.

Sometimes I say you "play fifa I'm going to faff on my ipad". Or "you watch some bang bang action film I'm going to have a bath". then I take my ipad with me. So then he doesn't expect me to watch the film too.

Ok, so if he doesn’t like it straight back at him then you need to sit him down for A Chat. Good luck OP!

That's definitely weird. Maybe speak to him about having some boundaries. If he's watching football just say 'while you're doing that I'm going to pop to the other room and do xyz'.

DH and I are very clingy with each other at times, we enjoy doing any activity together but even we know when we want some peace and neither of us are going to get huffy or upset if the other goes and watches TV in another room.

Your DP sounds very needy, either his mum does that with him or she's very distant and he's enjoying spending time with someone who'll put up with him pestering them. Just be firm and maybe tell him to shush when he keeps asking you questions as you can't hear the TV, or say 'why do you keep asking me questions, is there something you want?'
If you're incompatible in that way, it's unlikely anything will change. It's not his responsibility to change his personality for you and it's not yours either.

I could have written every word of your post. We have been together 43 years. He has been made redundant. He asks me if I’m alright 30 times each day. I try to listen to audio books when he’s watching football but he doesn’t stop talking at or about the tv.
I take a lot of baths.

BUT when I'm ill, when I'm hungover, when my mum died, when something is going badly, he is my rock, he handles everything, he cooks, cleans, serves me drinks and is so so caring and considerate. So there are pro's.

This. Could have written this exact paragraph about him. I’m certain he is worth hanging on to, I love him, I think we (probably both) just need some slight adjustments to allow air to circulate in the relationship a little more freely.

I don’t know how to say it without hurting his feelings, or making him feel his love is unwanted.

I ended a relationship over this kind of behaviour, many years ago. It drove me insane.

Maybe you’re on your phone too much and it pisses him off. Personally hate it when DH sits on his phone when we’ve sat down together to watch something.

Your partner sounds like me - I've always been like that, even with friends. Does he have anxiety? Worries how you are feeling etc....

@shitinmyhandsandclap

No this would annoy the fuck out of me, he sounds needy as

This. I felt tired, irritable and surveilled just reading the OP.

I have come across this level of intrusion before (although from a friend, not partner) and found it very intrusive. He seems like he can’t just “be” - he always need input and to know that he has your attention.

Suspect you’re not really suited in the long term.

@Leavemeaminute

BUT when I'm ill, when I'm hungover, when my mum died, when something is going badly, he is my rock, he handles everything, he cooks, cleans, serves me drinks and is so so caring and considerate. So there are pro's.

This. Could have written this exact paragraph about him. I’m certain he is worth hanging on to, I love him, I think we (probably both) just need some slight adjustments to allow air to circulate in the relationship a little more freely.

I don’t know how to say it without hurting his feelings, or making him feel his love is unwanted.

You could try the ol' shit sandwich approach.

Nice bread: "DP, I really appreciate how attentive and considerate you are".

Shit: "Sometimes I just want to sit and some out on my phone. It's important to me."

Nice bread: "You're a top, top bloke"

Have you raised this with him?
I totally understand the RBF and doom-scroll, and I am fully conversant with the hypocrisy of the Other who comments on your use of screens while overlooking entirely the fact that they play on their computer THE WHOLE TIME but you need to talk about it or he won't know that either a) you've noticed he's creepy or b) his dedication to your wellbeing is more than you are used to.
If he is super attentive then that's lovely but you need to find a happy medium (you might need to accept more than him!); if he's creepy then he needs to stop it.

Fick that! That would do my head in. Cant believe there are people reading that (even the OP) and saying it sounds nice. Sounds bloody suffocating. I would have lost my temper and told him to fuck off a long time ago.