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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP refusing to help with homeschool

32 replies

dontknowwhatto · 10/01/2021 08:07

Last week was tough. 38/39 weeks pregnant, final week of work before mat leave, then coupled with homeschooling my 8yo (y4), c section booked this week. Work was crazy busy and I often worked late into evening (10pm/11pm). P was available all week (as on holidays) but only helped with our 2yo, point blank says no to homeschooling. I said it's my last week of work , I need help, etc. On Friday morning I was gone for 3 hours at hospital and asked 8yo and P to do homeschool, came back lunchtime and very little was done. Nothing was corrected, lots of gaps in work completed, didn't do a manual spell check with 8yo (instead 8yo did electronic quiz got 4/10 but they didn't do any test/practice before) Meaning my only afternoon 'off' would be filled with homeschool. I got very upset and ended up crying saying I'm feeling so unsupported, all week and now Friday too. He didn't care, ignored me so much so that the first words he spoke to me were I'm going to the shop do you want anything.

So Saturday I tried to raise it with P again, he said he has nothing to apologise about and I said next week I will have newborn, will he help with homeschool then? He point blank refused saying no, if my 8yo doesn't listen then he won't help and P cannot/will not make him sit there and do it. 8yo doesn't just sit there diligently and do work, 8yo needs encouragement and guidance. P then turned it around saying he has nothing more to say about and he told me that he would not help and that's it.

What do you think of all this ?

Ps I have no family support at all, no bubble here. I'm doing on my own (newborn, 2yo abs 8yo) and P is only here til end Jan as he works away for work.

OP posts:
LardeeLar · 10/01/2021 08:10

This is terrible. You sound like such a resilient and capable person, your DP sounds beyond selfish.

If your DP works away and you have no support locally, then why do you live where you do?

I'm sorry OP but he sounds so uncaring and selfish.

reefedsail · 10/01/2021 08:14

What do you mean 'I will have a newborn'? Presumably that baby is his too?

Will he not help 8yo because he's not his dad or because 8yo is tricky to engage and he doesn't know how to do it?

Finfintytint · 10/01/2021 08:15

I take it he’s not the father of the 8 year old and doesn’t have a good relationship with him. He sounds very selfish.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 10/01/2021 08:16

Good lock with your section.
To morrow I would email school, say you are having your baby and your husband refuses to help with home schooling, so when it isn’t done they need to speak to him.
And what type of help can you expect with your baby? I think I would lose respect for such a person.

mogtheexcellent · 10/01/2021 08:17

Your DP is a twat but I think you already know that.

Is the 8 Yr old his DC? Whether he is or not your DP should be at least attempting to help his heavily pregnant partner.

Basecamp65 · 10/01/2021 08:19

Wow - selfish or what.

Is the 8 year old his?

I would very publically ask for help from all the family and friends on both sides explaining you need help because he is not stepping up.

Porcupineintherough · 10/01/2021 08:19

What do you think of all this?

I think you have made a terrible mistake in your choice of sperm donor (I'd say partner but he isnt, is he?)

Pumpertrumper · 10/01/2021 08:23

My first thought ‘he’s not that 8yo’s bio DSD’

Whilst he is an arse I do think it’s difficult as a non bio parent to be in a forceful role with a child at that age. I think non bio parents often feel they can’t do right for wrong. Sounds like you want him to be as invested in your DS as you are but playing devils advocate your DP never signed up to be a home tutor and as long as he’s generally nice to DS, ensures his safety and feeds him/looks after him when you’re absent I don’t think he’s awful!

The main reason he should have helped is that your pregnant. Where is DS’s bio dad and why is he not home schooling him?

Pumpertrumper · 10/01/2021 08:24

‘Bio dad’

Oreservoir · 10/01/2021 08:25

Well as you’re going to be home on your own from January I think you need to make the situation permanent.
Quite honestly your dp is very selfish.
Does he care for the 2 year old?

SD1978 · 10/01/2021 08:26

Posted in step parenting too. So yes. 8yr old is not his child.

CushionsandCandles · 10/01/2021 08:27

Whilst he sounds selfish.... it did sounds as if you are taking home schooling too seriously.
Some self directed work is required and if it all gets too much just stick to Maths and English and don't do anymore.
Just think a "normal" lesson is a teacher for the whole class not 1:1! And any "marking" (if that what you want to do) doesn't need to be done there and then!

HappyFlamingo · 10/01/2021 08:28

He's sounds awful OP Sad

Make sure you don't lift a finger to help him in any other way. He'll be doing all the cooking and laundry, yes?

nimbuscloud · 10/01/2021 08:28

Have this baby.
Then try to put plans in place to leave him. For all your sakes. But especially for your 8 year old.

donkeyworker · 10/01/2021 08:30

This is similar to how first lockdown was for me. A 6 year old and a 2 year old. I was working from home full time and my partner was furloughed. He watched me do everything and it about broke me. 5 months ago I upped and left with our kids and it's the best decision I've ever made. What you have isn't a partnership and you deserve so much more.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/01/2021 08:31

I guess from his point of view he’ll be away with work soon enough. So he couldn’t care less.

hardboiledeggs · 10/01/2021 08:33

That’s dreadful. Such a selfish lazy man.

cherrypie790 · 10/01/2021 08:33

OP, you're heavily pregnant and the world won't stop going round if you don't do any schoolwork for a few days. Give yourself a break, and put things on hold until you're back on your feet after baby. Contact the school and tell them that hopefully they will start learning again in around 6 weeks. It's not the end of the world, seriously.

And please don't do anything for someone who is so utterly unsupportive of you ie cooking or cleaning. It's not the time to address major life changes, but you need to take a good look at this person and what they're bringing to your life. Frankly he sounds like a waste of space.

CouchPommeFrite · 10/01/2021 08:35

Self directed work is in short bursts in primary school especially for a year 4 child. For maths the teacher talks them through some examples step by step then the children will do 4 questions and then they go over those again as a class to make sure the concept is in there.

All the workings out from the original examples are on the board still with an explanation as to how they got there so they can follow that. The children that have succeeded will then move onto a worksheet whilst the teacher and LSA work with small groups of those who need more help. I volunteer usually in year 4, pre-covid times.

I often work with low ability or SEN children, your DP needs to step up and understand the impact will be great if he doesn't do just small amounts with your 8 year old. And of course I get children telling me straight to my face they do not want to do this to which I usually say what if the kitchen staff decided they didn't want to make your lunch or what if the teachers decided they didn't want to supervise the playground at break and so you couldn't go out? At home this translates into what if I didn't want to buy food Grin

Also please stop using the word "help" this means it is your sole responsibility and he is doing you a favour. It is called parenting and it shouldn't matter he is the step father. He surely must want to see Ds succeed and do well at school.

moomin11 · 10/01/2021 08:36

That's awful OP. Is he always so unsupportive? It doesn't bode well for when the baby is born especially as you'll be recovering from a c section.

FairyontopofthetreeBatman · 10/01/2021 08:38

If you are having a c-section, will you be recovered enough to manage 3 kids on your own when he goes back?

Is there some one that you can stay with or that can come and stay with you and shame him into stepping up

Lulu1919 · 10/01/2021 08:40

First thing Monday email the school and ask for someone to contact you .
Tell them you are struggling.
Is the home schooling on line live teaching in teams or similar ? If so ask If someone can go to the lesson to give your son some support.
Think about doing the basics only ..maths English ..anything else he enjoys ?
When you go for your c section who is taking care of your son ?
Is there someone who can come and be with you for a while...I'm sure if you have a baby you can have a person in your bubble to help .

Shoxfordian · 10/01/2021 08:44

He may as well stay away when he goes, he’s not any help is he? Why are you with such a waste of space?

ivfbeenbusy · 10/01/2021 08:46

I usually try and find some redeeming quality in the male partner on posts on MN for the sake of balance but even I'm struggling this one?

Assuming from other posts he isn't the 8 year olds father?

What was he like in the last lockdown? His relationship with your older son? are you being realistic about him be able to care for a 2 year old as well as 8 year old?

Can the 8 year old split time with his bio dad so you can share the home schooling?

Your partner does sound like a tosser but then he must have something going for him if you decided to have 2 kids with him?

rattlemehearties · 10/01/2021 08:47

Don't worry about homeschooling. That's too much stress on all of you right now. This isn't about the homeschooling, it's about your partner being a dick.

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