How did you decide when to have a second baby?

[wwydinmyshoes]

Did you just know?

We have a 13 month old DD, I am 38 and DH 40.
We were trying for about two years before I fell pregnant due to a (then) undiagnosed issue. We love her to bits, she’s great, but I didn’t particularly enjoy pregnancy, maternity leave in lockdown was quite isolating and we don’t have any family support. I’ve been back at work a few months now and have enjoyed reconnecting with my work life as such.

Just don’t know when the right time is to start TTC second (definitely want two). Conscious we’re getting on a bit (!) and may not conceive straight away. I guess it’s at least a year from starting to try to having a baby which does sound like a good while away. But are we mad to take the plunge again? Or now that we have DD have we already made the main plunge and just need to go again?! How did you figure out your decision?

I had my first at 37 and my second on my 40th birthday. I think gave enough time to get back to feeling like myself and back at work and then we started trying - it took us 7 months to get pregnant which I didn't expect and was panicking a bit.

Our two are really close and while it was tough - we had all the baby /toddler years out of the way and they are the best of friends.

If I was in your position I'd start trying straight away just in case it took the full 2 years to get pregnant again but appreciate it's a big decision for you!

I had an unexpected pregnancy last year that ended in miscarriage and that made me realise I really wanted a second. I had been unsure until that point. I'm now nearly 23 weeks pregnant with my 2nd. And all going well.

I would say figure out the minimum age gap you’d be ok with and aim for that. If ttc takes longer and it’s a bigger age gap then so be it but a smaller age gap than you’re happy with could be hellish (only for the first year, but still...).

Personally I’d recommend at least a 2.5yr gap.

What was your issue may I ask - was it thyroid? If so I was the same and got pg very quickly second time (medicated).

I've just always known I'd like 2 children, a boy and a girl. For me 1 of each would be perfect. I know obviously there's no guarantees that will happen before anyone says anything, and obviously any child is a blessing and would be perfect.
We have 1 child, a boy. My husband and I have always said we wouldn't even think of trying for another until our 1st is settled at school. We wouldn't want another baby while our 1st was so young. A 5-6 year gap would be perfect for us. When he's settled at school I feel I'd be more able to give my 2nd baby the same attention I gave my 1st. He's 5, he started reception this September. Initially we may have thought about trying for another within the next year or 2, as we feel he will be properly settled by then. Obviously now with the situation we wouldn't even consider trying for another so soon. Will all depend on how things are and what happens.
My mum had her children 10 years apart though. There's 10 years between my brother and I, 10 years between my brother and sister, and 20 years between my sister and I. Which was so nice because I was able to me so much more involved.

Crack on with it! You want two then you just need to not overthink it and go for it. We did, older 37 and 39 with the first 39 and 41 with 2nd. No regrets.

Honestly? Your age is now very important - get pregnant ASAP. Good luck!!!

Ah hadn’t spotted age. Yep, crack on if you definitely want two.

There will be 4.5 years between my children and while it's bigger than I would have wanted I'm just glad I am having a second after believing for many years I couldn't have any never mind 2

Didn't want their age gap to be too big as I wanted future family activities to still be good for all children. Also wanted the early years done asap to enable me to get back to 'normality'.

If I was in your position, and sure I wanted another, I'd do it ASAP. Once it's done it's done and you can enjoy the next 20 years with them. If you wait much longer you may miss your chance. There's no absolute need to take a years maternity next time. You could take 6 months if you wanted.

I got pregnancy again when my first was 20 months old. Had a full year and a bit back at work before I went off on Mat leave again but also I didn't want them too far apart as I don't particularly enjoy the pregnancy or baby stage so I'd rather get it over and done with ASAP. We only want two.

But I don't think anyone can really answer the question for you to be honest. It has to be when you feel ready

*pregnant 🤦‍♀️

We started trying when DS turned 2 on the basis that my friend who has 4 said that 3 years is a good gap. So I followed her advice. Ds was 3.2 when his sister arrived.

I conceived a lot quicker the second and third time, so it won’t necessarily be difficult. Going for the smallest tolerable gap is good advice. I’d rather put up with the work/inconvenience of a small gap than kick myself for leaving it too late. There are pros and cons to every gap. Good luck.

For me I've always wanted at least two children and I've never wanted to have a huge age gap. There is 2 years between me and my siblings and we're quite close. There is 4 years between my OH and each of his siblings (he's the youngest of 3) and he found the gap huge as a Child. We decided that 3 years was our "ideal" age gap purely because 2 years felt a bit rushed with my work. We had a bit of a panic just before DDs birthday that we were running out of time and hadn't started ttc. We fell pregnant after one time, which we didnt forsee so we're going to have a 2.5 gap 😂

18 months between my two girls, Currently aged 2 years and 6 months and I love it!

Ha thank you, I do sort of know that getting on with it is probably the best option.
Really good to hear that some of you who had ttc issues first time round didn’t the second. @minipie it was pituitary rather than thyroid but with medication I then fell pregnant straight away so sounds similar to your experience.
@LouLou2020 lovely to hear that you find an 18m gap so good - and others with short-ish gaps. @BoJingle and @GrandTheftWalrus congrats on your pregnancies.

I guess it’s just like deciding first time round. Took me a while to feel ready! So maybe you never do really and it’s a case of jumping in again. The hard bit of course is not knowing how long it will take to fall pregnant but I’m not alone there!!

I had my first baby at 27 and he only took 3 months to conceive (I know we were very lucky) just after his first birthday me and DH had the conversation about no 2 and decided to start trying again as we both come from families of 3 siblings and definitely wanted at least one more. Well, no 2 took 10 months to conceive which I was not prepared for as I just expected to fall straight away as I did with no 1. Anyway, it was a complicated pregnancy and unfortunately ended at 31 weeks (she was a girl) so by this point DS1 was 2 and a half. I knew I wanted to try again ASAP and I actually conceived after 3 months again and I gave birth to my beautiful DS2 aged 31 and DS1 was 3 and a half and he absolutely adores his little brother. We didn't plan our "bigger" age gap but it worked out great for us as DS1 is now 4 and DS2 8 months and he understands that I need to feed the baby or baby is asleep so he needs to play a little quieter etc. There's no right answer but I found a slightly bigger gap worked well for us.

@Roseinbloom20 so so sorry for the loss of your DD. Sounds like you have a super mature DS1 and congrats on your new little baby.

Sorry for your loss rose.

We worked out we’d like a 2+ year age gap and started trying for that. Ended up with a 23 month gap because I thought it’d take a while to conceive whilst breastfeeding. But I love the age gap and the Dc are best friends and into similar things so it makes it easier.

Just a warning, I’m 37 now. It took us 3 years TTC DD but I’m now 11 weeks with number 2 after just 2 months. It was a happy surprise but still!

It’s impossible to call. It took me a year and ivf to conceive age 35 (low ovarian reserve). So I assumed it would be an uphill battle and take years the second time so we tried when baby 1 was 8 months. 4 weeks later I was staring at a positive test and our age gap is 16 months.

I absolutely wouldn’t wait or try to get the perfect gap at 38 though.

We discussed whether to have a family and part of that thinking was if so how many. So decided before we started trying that we wanted two ideally. We were lucky that nothing happened along the way to complicate things and have to make us reconsider. I didn't much like pregnancy but not enough to refuse to do a second. I did get a pregnancy complication with the second which quite possibly would have put brakes on if it had come up in the first. What I couldn't have anticipated was how a sibling would affect the first, it brought out a while other side to his character, being a big brother made him grow in confidence overnight (we involved him so he didn't feel pushed out so think that helped) and brought out a caring side that he had no outlet to express previously. It also built his sharing skills (with plenty of parental guidance to show them the way and give them the tools to do it fairly - which was exhausting but worth it.) So I'm really glad we had the second. They were 2.4 apart and close now, but I think helping them build a relationship is something worth being pro-active about, I didn't interfere but nudged in the right direction, so I think you can influence how well your children get on, it's still a bit of a gamble though if the personalities don't gel.

We are ttc no 3 atm. Our first was unplanned, second was an easy decision as we had said we would ttc after we got married. Just took us 7 years after ds1 to get married! Life events etc have delayed us trying for no 3. We have been discussing it so much and changing our minds. Ultimately we both want no3 so decided recently to just go for it. No time is the right time really. Especially with all thats going on.

As others have said, it's just so hard to plan without knowing what might happen. DS took us two years with three miscarriages along the way so we thought we really had to start trying when he was 20 months to have a decent shot of a second arriving before DS started school. We had sex once that month with no timing and tracking and that was that, and I'm now 35 weeks, which means DS will be 2.5 when the baby arrives, which is right at the edge of affordability (nursery fees) for us - oh, and in the middle of a pandemic! If I'd known it would happen so quickly for us I'd have waited, but I'm glad I didn't - if it had never happened (which I thought was a real possibility) I've have really regretted any delay to starting. I think if you're sure you want another and think you can handle the age gap you'd have if you got pregnant tomorrow then I would go for it.

When my eldest was approaching 3/ good age Gap for me from a financial and emotional perspective.
I’m 34 though so didn’t feel panicked. Not going to sugar coat it OP, I’d be wary of delaying if you do want a second. My friend has been trying for her second, waited until her eldest was 5, she’s mid 40s, no luck and has decided to give up as now too old (in her opinion)