How to change personality

[Suzie11fr]

I want to change my personality. I’ve come to the conclusion that I create a lot of my sadness, depression and problems. Yes some people are nasty and say and do things there’s no need for and yes the world would be happier and nicer if people just tried to be nice BUT that is the world we live in I have to accept.

I’m highly sensitive and get upset really easily. I want to let backhanded comments and aggression just roll off me. How can I do this? how can I be a less sensitive person and not get absolutely distraught if someone is not very pleasant towards me. I’m talking more about work situations. In personal I can avoid people who make me feel like this until I’m stronger, with covid it’s made it easier to avoid the negativity in my personal life but I’m struggling with work negativity.

Therapy!

You cannot fundamentally change your personality,you can modify or adapt traits and behaviour
You have a central personality that is consistent and overall enduring
You can use strategies to modify and learn coping and or behavioural strategies

Therapy

Coming to this conclusion is a big step forward.

Therapy!

I recommend CBT for this. Good luck.

Ask your GP to refer you to CMHT or IAPT

Slowly! You start by working on one thing (thought, behaviour, belief, etc.) then another then another. Over time you look back and realise you have changed. But it's not sudden, it's not obvious, it takes time

I also want to do this OP! I tried therapy and it didn't work, hope it does for you. I think I would have turned out a lot differently if I wasn't abused in childhood. Unfortunately some personality traits seem to be set in stone since then, and core beliefs are unbelievably hard to change

Therapy, cbt, resilience training

I’ve tried therapy for many years without success.

@haloalkane I have the same story so I understand you completely. Therapy didn’t work for me either and I’m not prepared to go through again. It brings up so many feelings and does nothing for me. Maybe we can support each other? Feel free to PM me x

@Suzie11fr

I’ve tried therapy for many years without success.

@haloalkane I have the same story so I understand you completely. Therapy didn’t work for me either and I’m not prepared to go through again. It brings up so many feelings and does nothing for me. Maybe we can support each other? Feel free to PM me x

What sort of therapy did you try?

It's difficult but I think possible to change oneself to some extent (but be realistic, you're probably never going to have the hide of a rhino). The best approach I think it to be as objective as possible - think about a recent situation that upset you then reframe it ("oh, Mary must be having a bad day today"). Then think about your reactions and if you could have reacted differently.

It will probably take a while so don't lose heart if it feels like two steps forward, one back.

I don't think you can change your personality, but you can have help to identify your strengths and weaknesses and focus on these and how you want to develop them. I had some sessions with a life coach, and were 3 x30 best minutes I've spent, they were so powerful in recognising my strengths and embracing them. I came out thinking so differently about myself and that confidence is still with me 10 years on. I also second looking into CBT. I have a friend who is qualified in this and she just emanates positivity and serenity and kindness. Good luck OP x

CBT, hypnotherapy and talking therapy.

@Mapletreelane I want to look into life coach but no idea where to start

A life coach won’t change your personality, save your money,they’ll charge you loads for some uplifting woohoo and. Career “tips”

My main weakness is overly sensitive and take things too personally. I think later or tomorrow I should start a thread with just that maybe? What do you think?

For a start, try Taming your Gremlin ( a guide to getting out of your own way) or Daniel Goleman on Emotional Intelligence. Both life-changing books covering the same topic in different ways

This is going to sound really fucking stupid, but when my social anxiety was really bad (think boss asking for a chat = me thinking that i was getting fired, literally every single time) i would give myself what my mum would call "a stern talking to".

Basically, i would take a bunch of deep breaths and say, out loud, in a really firm no nonsense tone of voice "you are being ridiculous, this is not a rational reaction, snap out of it."

Something about hearing my own voice, out loud, really helped me get my head straight.

@Suzie11fr

CBT, hypnotherapy and talking therapy.

Can I recommend you look into Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT) as opposed to CBT? You may need to consider paying privately, but for the types of issues you're seeking support with, CBT isn't a massively helpful therapy. It has its place - but you're describing wanting to make changes in how you relate to yourself and others. CAT has more scope to help you with this.

https://www.acat.me.uk/page/what+is+the+difference+between+cat+and+cbt

If you're interested in finding out more

May sound silly but you could try simply thinking differently when someone makes a comment or does something that upsets you, maybe instead of focusing on what it was they said or did, maybe think about what kind of person that makes them to be negative to another person and maybe consider that they're projecting their own insecurities. Or just do the basic "it doesn't matter what others think about you" routine.
Or try therapy.

I'm trying to do the opposite at the moment and make myself more emotionally sensitive, so my advice is probably useless.

Thank you all so much! The book recommendations I’m on Amazon now ordering! Talking out loud I’m going to try later when kids asleep. CAT not heard of it but I will look at your link. Thank you all!

@Suzie11fr

Thank you all so much! The book recommendations I’m on Amazon now ordering! Talking out loud I’m going to try later when kids asleep. CAT not heard of it but I will look at your link. Thank you all!

I'm a little biased as I'm actually training to be a CAT therapist, so I love it, and I regularly see its many benefits above and beyond CBT.

But it seems worth looking into in your situation since you describe little success with CBT in the past. CAT helps some people who say the same. Good luck!

@Suzie11fr as soon as I figure out how to PM someone I will PM you

I had Mentalisation Based Therapy as I was diagnosed with EUPD. Part of that was taking offense to even the slightest comment, and being irrationally emotional over small things.

Although it didn't fix me at all, one thing they used to teach us over and over is that if you think "I know" before any statement (I know they hate me, I know they are being mean, I know that they mean this by their comment, etc.) then you have to press pause. You consider all of the other possible reasons someone could have said something, their other possible intentions. Eventually you are meant to become less sensitive to people's comments, as you are less sure that you know exactly what their meaning was. It is hard work but apparently if you do it consistently it gets easier x