Feeling really awful today. It's PMT, I know. Every month before my period the pain of knowing I cannot have a child seems to ramp up a lot of notches.
Having a really savage feeling today that my whole life has been such a mess that what on earth must other people think? It's been full of illness and multiple bereavements of my immediate family. I try to keep going but really behind my back, people must be tittering at how deluded I am to keep going. I rarely give much though to what people think of me but for some reason today I am?
I come from a small town, so well aware of how nasty people can be talking about others.
My friends are lovely but i expect they feel a bit sad when they think of me, and I honestly can't blame them if they feel better about themselves when they think of how unfortunate I am in terms of my own health and that of my family. All my friends still have both parents. I'm worried my remaining parent isn't going to make it another year. I'm devastated.
I fucking hate being a lame duck. Probably for the best I'm not passing on genes tbh but the pain of wanting a child of my own is still there. Diagnosis this year has fully squashed any optimism about being able to do that, because I could end up really disabled and I'm terrified if that happened what if I resent the baby and terrified I would not be able to give the baby a good life or even fully meet their needs? What kind of monster am I to even think that way though that I could resent my own child? Again, probably for the best I'm not going to be a mother seeing as that's how my brain works.
I feel shit today, sorry for ranting in AIBU but I know I am being U really, just need a kick up the arse and to pull myself togetehr. Have loads to be grateful for really and a good life, just not healthwise! Ugh.