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Original poster

Am I too soft or harsh ?

34 replies

Pemopop · 07/01/2021 22:29

My 9 year old constantly argues with me and when I attempt to nip it in the bud she puts on the waterworks and tries to make me feel guilty and I end up thinking I’m in the wrong. It’s got to the point where I don’t know whether I’m being too soft or too harsh.

Example
Her phone charger has broke, she asked me to charge my phone at 8 so that she could charge hers overnight (she uses it for her alarm). I forgot to, so then she comes in my room at bedtime asking for it. I say that I forgot and mine needs charging but I’ll charge hers after mine and leave it outside her room in morning, she then starts arguing saying “you said you will charge it! That’s not fair! I want it now! You don’t even need to charge your phone” etc etc so I explain again that I’ll charge it and she just repeats it over and over and then calls me mean and starts to cry then my 2 yr old daughter wakes up crying from the noise!

I feel like I have no control with her at all. Her dad is very strict so I think I compensate for that.

OP posts:
marshmallowfluffy · 07/01/2021 22:36

She's nine. Confiscate her phone for a day or two.
I'd be telling her that I won't be charging her phone until she gets a grip and that I will wake her tomorrow morning.

marshmallowfluffy · 07/01/2021 22:38

Her reaction to the uncharged phone is very immature. Are you sure she needs a phone?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 07/01/2021 22:39

Oh wow, she needs a rude awakening! Buy her an actual clock for an alarm and confiscate the phone til she gets a grip on that attitude.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/01/2021 22:40

Why does she need a phone? Can't you get her an alarm clock?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2021 22:41

You need to nip that nonsense in the bud. Her talking back like that shouldn't be tolerated. You forgot, it happens, and she makes mistakes, too. She cries to manipulate you, and it's working. I agree with taking her phone away for a couple of days.

olympicsrock · 07/01/2021 22:43

Why in earth does a 9 year old have a phone??

Summersun2020 · 07/01/2021 22:43

She sounds quite spoilt and rude. I wouldn’t be accepting that behaviour from a nine year old OP. Stay firm and put consequences in place for her actions-shes essentially throwing tantrums and at 9 is far too old.

rabbitheadlights · 07/01/2021 22:45

The way she talks to you tells me that you are indeed too soft OP. Confiscate the phone, and tell DD that she can have it back when she is ready to talk to you with some respect.

Rainallnight · 07/01/2021 22:46

My four year old is like this and I hope and pray every day it’s not still going on when she’s 9.

FraughtwithGin · 07/01/2021 22:47

Echo previous poster, a 9 year old does not need a mobile telephone, let alone a smart one.
My step-son got a very rudimentary mobile when he was 10 or 11 so that he had contact with us with travelling from where he lived to us. About 500 miles, often by air and latterly by train. There were 5 numbers programmed in and that was it.

gamerchick · 07/01/2021 22:47

You let her use a charger overnignt in her room? You're not worried that they're a fire hazard and phones shouldn't be left on charge all night? Get her an alarm clock and take the phone overnight.

Take the thing away if she's giving you lip.

*Ignoring that having a phone at 9 is a flash point for a goady thread that is.

Original poster
Pemopop · 07/01/2021 22:47

Tbh I wish I never let her have a phone, it was one of those “all my friends have one” kinda things but all it does is cause issues.

She constantly puts the tears on, saying how I’m horrible and that I love my youngest more, again trying to manipulate me. Yet with her dad she wouldn’t dare try

OP posts:
Writerandreader · 07/01/2021 22:48

This sounds like addictive behaviour around the phone. It's unfair on her to believe she can control you with rudeness. You will be doing her a favour if you set very clear boundaries. Ie. She doesn't need the phone overnight and any backchat just means the phone is taken for a few days.

Genuinely out if interest why does she have a phone at 9? I find my phone incredibly addictive and regret my dependence on it and I'm 43!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2021 22:50

You can take the phone away, you know, and I think you should. She's too young, too rude, and a smart phone is just plain dangerous at her age. Of course it's going to cause nothing but trouble. You're the parent, so parent her. This isn't a democracy and she doesn't get a vote.

Original poster
Pemopop · 07/01/2021 22:51

@Writerandreader she has a phone purely because she bagged for one and all her friends have one. I guess I thought that times have changed now, it’s not like it was when I was younger.

I think since me and her dad split I have given her more free reign and let things slide as it’s being easier whilst working full time as a single parent with a 9 and 2 year old.

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 07/01/2021 22:51

You’re the adult. Don’t be manipulated by a 9 year old, ffs. Take the phone off her. She’s clearly not able to handle having one. Buy her an alarm clock.

isitsummertimeyet · 07/01/2021 22:53

My 9 year old son has one and its not usually a problem, he watches youtube on it, plays a few mobile games and can txt a few of the family, has 2 friends on whatsapp they send silly gifs and messages too, now has learnt how to use spotify on it, its not a bad thing, but he knows the boundarys of giving cheek and it will be taken away or his playstation time if he is not respectful.

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2021 22:53

What would happen if you said firmly enough already I said no and stuck to it? I tell my children if they don't accept no for an answer I can start taking things away

My son has alexa for an alarm at age 12 not his phone

Original poster
Pemopop · 07/01/2021 22:53

Your all completely right. Knew I could rely on MN for a dose of reality

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 07/01/2021 22:54

You're far far too soft IMO.

My children (certainly at 8) would never dare speak to me like that.

And I wouldn't tolerate crying to get their own way whatsoever. When mine were about 3 I explained to them they'd never get their own way with me by crying. I can't stand it.

rabbitheadlights · 07/01/2021 22:57

It's easily done OP especially after a break up over compensating, but take back control now while it's relatively easy (before the teenage drama)

starsinthegutter · 07/01/2021 23:04

Oh blimey, people on here are so mean. Her parents separated and she has a new sibling to contend with. She's only 9 ffs. Cut her a bit of slack. Everyone is suffering at the moment, maybe she's genuinely sad like a lot of us. Tell her not to be so rude (and cut you some slack) and get another charger, they're not expensive, get her to buy it with her pocket money maybe.

NiceandCalm · 07/01/2021 23:06

Are you sure she's not sneakily using her phone for youtube etc instead of sleeping?

whatsthepointinwasps · 07/01/2021 23:26

Kids are very quick to cotton on to ways to manipulate parents, tears, you’re horrible, you don’t love me as much as ...... blah blah blah. All classic ways to get what they want .
When she says stuff like that you could try saying ‘I’m sorry you feel like that. I do love you but loving you isn’t the same as giving you exactly what you want exactly when you want it.’
You can acknowledge that she’s upset but still make it clear that poor behaviour is not going to achieve anything other than removal of privileges.
You are not being harsh or unkind, you are teaching her respect for others and emotional regulation- that’s your job as a parent.

tisnotthedamnseason · 07/01/2021 23:28

She absolutely should not have a phone overnight in her room at 9. Even if she's allowed a phone it should be with you or downstairs at night.

Yes, you're way too soft!